DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The story contents are the creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2001 by Djinn. This story is Rated PG.
Another Bad Night
by Djinn
It had been another bad
night. Kathryn Janeway looked in the mirror and sighed heavily at the red and
puffy eyes that greeted her. She'd never let herself cry on Voyager,
fought every tear that threatened to fall. Now that she was home, it was as if
she couldn't stop. She should be happy, triumphant, grateful. But she wasn't.
"Damn it," she said
as she picked up the small instrument the Doctor had given to her. It buzzed
softly as she ran it over her closed eyelids. When she looked again, all traces
of her crying were gone.
"Thank you again,
Doctor." She put the little tool back in the drawer, remembering when she'd
last seen the EMH. He'd stopped in at Starfleet Command after giving a lecture
there. She'd looked like death warmed over. It had been another bad night.
"Captain?" He'd
moved closer and studied her face. "Are you all right?"
She nodded. Not sure what to
tell him and unwilling to lie.
His voice was comfortingly
familiar. She was missing that. "It's normal to feel this way after what
you've been through. It could be a form of post-traumatic stress disorder. Perhaps
you should see someone, talk to someone?"
"You mean a
counselor?" She shook her head in exasperation. "I've seen one. I've
seen three, actually. They've put me through more sessions in the last six
months than you could possibly believe. I'm fine, Doctor. Right as rain. They
all agree."
He shook his head as he
walked to her replicator. "You're also a very good actress, Captain."
He spoke to the machine, ordering something she'd never heard of; when he turned
back to her, the regenerator was in his hand. "But I believe you're all
right, Captain. And this will help. Models use it all the time after a late
night out." He'd shown her how to use it, then continued in a more serious
tone, "But take some advice? Connect with someone. From Voyager, or
not. Just find someone to let in. It's not good to be alone."
Not good to be alone. Oh, she
knew that. Knew it too well. Some days, when she was in her darkest moods, she
wished that she'd been the one to go to the Queen. That she'd let the Admiral
have Voyager and her crew. Because what had been the point of getting
home if this was all that waited for her?
Or maybe she just wished that
the Admiral had never found her. And that the ship had never, ever found its
way home. She laughed out loud. It was a little too late to realize that
everything that really mattered to her had been on Voyager. Everything. And
everyone.
Everyone. She should stop
hedging. It wasn't just anyone she was missing. It was him. Chakotay. Her angry
warrior. Only not anymore. He was Seven's warrior now.
She'd seen them leaving the
ship together. As much as she'd wanted to say her goodbyes to him alone, she
was afraid of what she might say, might do. So she'd
made sure that there'd been no opportunities for anything more personal than
what could be said in front of a group of their crewmates. He'd sought her out
several times and she'd evaded him. But she couldn't resist seeing the two of
them off at the transporter room, giving him a tight hug, being afraid that she
wouldn't be able to let go. Knowing she had to.
Seven had looked at her
intently. "Thank you. For everything you have given me."
Janeway shrugged. "I had
to do it, Seven. For you, for us. And I'm glad I did. You've become an
exceptional woman. The commander is a lucky man." She had nearly choked on
the words. Even though she'd meant every one of them.
That was six months ago. She'd
seen them off and on during the debriefings. Had heard about them from Admiral
Paris. Chakotay had accepted a posting to Litenax, a
world populated by a number of resettled peoples. Many of them had been
supporters of the Maquis and still resented Starfleet for not protecting them. With
his background, Chakotay seemed the perfect choice for Federation liaison. And
from what she'd heard, he was doing well and enjoying himself.
Seven was with him when she
wasn't consulting on the Borg at Starfleet Command. She'd made several early
attempts to see Janeway, to preserve the closeness they'd once known. But it
had been uncomfortable for both of them. They never discussed it, but the
specter of Chakotay was a wedge pushing them apart.
Janeway took in her
immaculate apartment. It was full of silence, of empty space. There had been
few people here since she moved in. Her mother, her sister. The crew
occasionally. But for the most part she had been alone. Too much alone.
The Doctor was right. She
needed to connect with someone. She just didn't know who.
##
"Start Program EMH Lab
Prototype Gamma 5," the Doctor said as he entered the holodeck. For a
moment the experimental laboratory shimmered around him, then it was replaced
by a Vegas lounge. Several musicians were tuning up on a stage at the front of
the room. "Oh, just great," the EMH muttered.
"Hey, Pally!" Another
figure came out of a side room. "Did ya miss
me?"
"You shouldn't be here. I'm
trying to run diagnostics."
"Yeah, well me too, Doc,
me too. Only of the emotional kind, if you get my drift." The man moved to
the bar and poured out two glasses of Scotch.
Sighing heartily, the EMH
followed him. "I never get your drift, Vic."
"Yeah. You say that but
I know you capisce." Vic turned to the stage. "You're sounding flat,
Carl. Try tuning it again."
The Doctor settled into one
of the bar chairs. "I really don't know why I've been so lucky that you've
taken this extreme interest in my life."
"Your love life, Pally. There's
a difference."
"I'm a hologram. I don't
have a love life."
"Baloney. I know from
holograms. And you aren't just one of them." He pointed to his band. "You're
like me, Doc. Special."
"Yes, well I won't be if
anyone comes in and finds me running this program."
"You still miss her,
don't you?" Vic's voice was all sympathy.
"I miss them all."
"Don't kid a kidder,
Doc. You want the blonde bombshell that got away. I know how that goes."
"I'm sure you don't. Seven
was unique. I doubt that you've met the like."
"Doc, every woman is
unique. That's what makes them so wonderful." He poured out another glass.
"You never told her, did you? That you loved her?"
"Of course not. I'm a
hologram. We were just good friends."
Vic smiled knowingly. "And
she was in love with someone else."
The Doctor said nothing.
"Someone who was himself
in love with someone else. It's just like a
Shakespeare play, isn't it?" Vic shook his head. "I'd love to meet
one of these characters."
The Doctor heard the door to
the holodeck open. In his irritation at seeing Vic, he had forgotten to lock
the room. "Get out," he said but it was too late.
Kathryn Janeway was walking
their way.
"From my lips to God's
ears," Vic whispered.
"Doctor, I wanted to talk
to you about...my, quite the elaborate setting." Janeway took in the
surroundings. " Is this what Starfleet has you doing? Designing holodeck
programs?" She walked to the bar and smiled at Vic.
Vic gave her his best smile. "Hi,
Doll. Where have you been all my life?"
She turned to the Doctor. "Oh,
he's good. What's his name?"
"My name, and you can
talk to me, sweetheart, is Vic Fontaine." He reached for her hand and held
it a minute in both of his. "Charmed. Truly."
"Very, very good."
"Ok, Vic. Time for you
to go."
Vic ignored him.
Janeway laughed. "I've
found that 'End program' generally works best."
"You don't know this
program." He caught Vic's eye, saw the other hologram nod slightly. "End
program," he said and was extremely relieved to see the lounge disappear. He
turned to the captain. "So, what did you want to talk to me about?"
She suddenly seemed ill at
ease.
He smiled slightly and
ordered, "Begin EMH program Alpha."
The familiar sight of
Voyager's sickbay seemed to please Janeway. "This is nice," she said,
a little wistfully.
"I come here often. It
is, was home to me."
"How complete is it? Do
you have holograms of us?"
When he didn't answer, she
looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry, Doctor. That's none of my business."
He wondered again what had
brought her to him. "Unless you want to hop up on the table, Captain, I
suggest we sit in my office."
She followed him into the
small room and took the chair across from him then studied the walls. "I
never spent much time here."
"No. You didn't."
"I'm sorry for
that." She sighed. "I don't think I always treated you as well as I
could have."
"You tolerated me and
gave me the freedom to explore the meaning of my own existence. And you let me
have opera and all my other passions of the moment." He smiled at her. "I
have no complaints, Captain."
She just nodded, her head
down, as she seemed lost in thought.
"Captain, why are you
here?" His tone was gentle, but he couldn't keep the curiosity out of his
voice.
"You said I should
connect with someone." She looked up at him. "I'm trying to do
that."
He tried to keep the surprise
off his face. "With me?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
Her face flushed a bit and
she started to get up. "This was a stupid idea."
"You don't have to go. I
didn't mean to imply that I was refusing your suggestion of... ummm, what exactly are you suggesting?"
"Doctor! A friend. I
need a friend."
He sighed. "Captain, I
don't mean to be rude. But why me? Mr. Paris and Lieutenant Torres are still on
Earth. They would be far better friends for you. Or Samantha Wildman and Naomi.
Perhaps you could go to Vulcan to visit Tuvok." He
began to punch the computer for Tuvok's comm number. The
captain's next words stopped him cold.
"They won't understand. Not
the way you will."
He looked at her
uncomprehendingly.
She leaned forward. "I
know that you miss her as much as I miss him."
He was quiet for a long time.
Then he replied, "I would have thought more, actually."
She got the competitive look
he remembered. "Impossible."
"Oh really," he
said as he rose and walked around the desk. "Well, why don't we get you
some lunch and compare notes."
"You're on,
Doctor." She rose and followed him to the door. "And whoever is less
miserable pays."
"Agreed," the EMH
said, suddenly very glad that she and Barclay had insisted that Starfleet
compensate him for his years in the Delta Quadrant. He had the feeling that
this was a bet he was going to lose.
##
Seven of Nine sat by the
viewport, ignoring the looks she was getting from the other passengers. She'd
been riding this shuttle from Earth to Starbase 6 for
months now. And it was always the same. Stares, whispers. Some hostile. Some
just curious. She looked up to see a human male staring at her chest. Others
simply hungry. She fought the desire to cross her arms and cover her breasts.
She wished they weren't so
big, not for the first time. She remembered when she'd first been removed from
the collective. She'd gone to the doctor in irritation.
"Ah, Seven of Nine. What
can I do for you?"
"This body. You have
erred. These round protuberances serve no purpose. They are inefficient and get
in the way of activity. You will remove them."
He had smiled gently. "Your
body is how it would have been if you had developed naturally, without Borg
interference."
"I have assessed the
female population on board Voyager. Those that have these mammary appendages do
not look as I do."
He had sighed. "Yes,
well, it's hardly my fault you would have grown up to be Miss Sweden." At
her look of incomprehension, he'd continued. "Seven of Nine, you are
uncomfortable with much of your body right now. This is a period of great
adjustment for you. Once you've settled in, if your breasts still bother you, I
will reduce their size. For now I really don't think
another surgery would be prudent, and there are reasons you might want to keep
them the way they are. Why don't you just try to get used to being Human, hmmm?
Then we can work on the purely cosmetic enhancements."
He'd known he would get her
with that last sentence. She'd been Borg. She eschewed vanity. So she'd left her breasts alone. And grown used to them. Except
at times like these. She looked up to glare at the man who was staring at her,
but he'd left the area.
"Is this seat
taken?" A petite woman, standing in the aisle, gave Seven a wry smile. "Actually,
I ride this shuttle all the time. This seat is never taken."
Seven was surprised at her
candor. "You may sit there."
"Thanks." The woman
quickly stowed her bags and settled into the seat. "You're Seven of Nine,
aren't you? The former Borg?"
"That is my
designation." Seven knew she was reverting to her old patterns of speech,
as she often did when uncomfortable.
"I'm Ezri
Dax." The woman held out her hand.
Seven took it gingerly and
studied the woman next to her. The open expression, full of intelligence and
curiosity. The spots running down her face and neck. "You are Species
5732."
"If that's the Trill,
then yes." Dax grinned. "I'm also a Starfleet officer. I thought you
might like some company. You seem so alone."
"I am alone. That is the
nature of being an individual, is it not?"
"It sure is." The
Trill looked nostalgic for a moment. "But is it this way everywhere you
go?"
Seven realized no one had
ever asked her that before. "It is," she said. She wondered why
Chakotay never seemed to notice. Perhaps it was because on Litenax
the settlers had at least grown accustomed enough to her to say hello and act
as if she fit in. And she saw the others from the ship so rarely, they barely
had time to catch up, let alone ask her about her innermost feelings.
"You're lonely."
"That is an emotional
assessment. I miss my former collective, yes."
"The Borg? You really
want to return to them, Seven of Nine?"
"Seven," she
replied quickly. "I go by Seven now. And not the Borg. Voyager. I
miss that collective." The feelings that were surfacing surprised
her. Loneliness was irrelevant.
"I'm sure you do. They
were your family. They were all you knew after you were removed from the Borg."
The crew had helped her
transition at a time when all she wanted to do was die. "You have no idea
what it is like to be one way, and a moment later wake up to find that
everything has changed."
Dax laughed. "Oh, you
might be surprised just how much I understand that."
Seven looked at her
carefully. "You are a joined Trill, then? So you
are no longer an individual?"
"I guess not in the
strictest sense. I share this body with the Dax symbiont. And with all the
other hosts who've gone before."
"Their voices? You hear
them?"
Dax nodded. "All the
time. I try not to focus on them."
"That is a small measure
of what it is like in the collective. Innumerable voices, talking,
coordinating, working together seamlessly. Never ceasing. Always there. I am
sure it was jarring to go from being alone to hearing the other hosts in your
head. But can you envision what the opposite would feel like?"
"It would be horrible. I
think I understand now." She was quiet for a moment, as if considering. "You
have no one then? No one to share your time, your feelings with?"
Seven felt instantly guilty. "I
have someone in my life."
"That's not exactly what
I asked. Does this person understand the way you feel?"
She thought about it and realized
she had never really discussed this with Chakotay. She assumed he understood. He'd
been connected, albeit briefly, with a small collective of former Borg. She'd thought he would know how cut off she was
without her having to say. But perhaps he did not. "He is a good man. He
would do anything in his power to make me happy."
"And again, that's not
quite what I asked." Dax shook her head. "We aren't always as close
to our lovers as we would like."
Seven realized she heard
something in the other woman's voice. "You speak from experience?"
"Now who's the
counselor?" Dax's look became unfocused for a minute. She seemed very far
away. "I have a good thing going. Really. I'm happy. And I think he is. It's
just that he was in love with someone else. Someone he couldn't have. There are
occasions when I feel like a poor second choice."
Seven sat stunned. She did
not as a rule assess her feelings. They were still new enough to her that she
was uncomfortable delving into them with too much vigor. But this woman, this
stranger, had just clarified something that had been bothering her
unconsciously for some time. "Does he treat you in some way that you
consider substandard."
Dax smiled. "Oh, no. He's
a wonderful man. I love him. And he loves me too. But it's just always there,
you know?"
"I do."
Dax's look sobered. "Now,
who's talking from experience?"
Seven looked away. She should
not be entrusting her life stories with a person she had just met. Yet Ezri Dax inspired a confidence in her that no one had
before. Is this what having a friend would be like? "Yes. The man I am
with was in love with someone else."
"Do you hate her?"
Seven thought of the captain.
Remembered all the risks she had run for her, the guidance she had provided. Janeway
had been closer to Seven than to anyone else on the ship, except for Chakotay
and Tuvok. She had been role model, confessor, and
surrogate mother. "She changed me. It is because of her that I live the
life I do now. I find I cannot hate her."
"I feel the exact same
way. And it really stinks."
Seven looked at her in
confusion.
"Hating them would be so
much easier, wouldn't it?"
Seven found herself smiling. "It
would."
Dax grinned back. "You
should do that more often. Smile. It looks good on you."
Seven looked away. "I
have not had much to smile about these days. I am busy. My life is very
serious."
Dax studied her. She seemed
to be weighing something. Suddenly she rose and grabbed her things.
Had she chased her away? Seven was surprised at the disappointment
that filled her. Then she realized that
Dax was handing her the small Voyager carryall. "What are you
doing?"
"We. What are we
doing? Come on."
"I am quite comfortable
here."
Dax leaned in. "Seven,
have you ever had a massage?"
"I have had medically
indicated rub downs. And my friend is quite proficient with his hands."
Dax smirked slightly. "I
bet. Well, I don't care how good he is. The holospa
here is beyond anything you can imagine. And we have lots of time to take
advantage of it. Come on."
Seven found the other woman's
grin engaging. Her own lips turned up again. She took the bag that Dax held out
to her and rose to follow her down the corridor. When they got to the door of
the holospa, she reached out and stopped Dax. "Why?
You sought me out. Why?"
The Trill gave her a gentle
smile. "I know what it's to feel like you'll never belong. And you looked
like you could use a friend."
Seven considered the words
carefully. Finally, she said solemnly, "I believe that a friend would be
beneficial."
"Spoken like a true
Borg. Former, I mean." Dax giggled as she pushed the entrance button. "There
are so many things I've always wanted to know about the collective. Like well,
intimate relations, for instance. I mean, it gives a whole new meaning to group
sex."
Seven found herself smiling
again as she followed her new friend into the spa.
##
Chakotay surveyed the fruits
and vegetables he'd planted in back of the residence. Everything was doing
well, especially the tomatoes. Tomatoes. His mind was back on New Earth before
he could stop the thoughts. He saw Kathryn kneeling in the dirt, face smudged,
smile wide. Kathryn, smiling at him.
He had to stop it. She wasn't his. She was never going to be his. He had Seven
now. And she was wonderful.
Wonderful. Chakotay sighed. Everything
was wonderful. Except...
Before he could follow that
thought too far, he heard a noise. Turning, he discovered his neighbor's
children solemnly surveying his work. "Well, hello."
They nodded, clearly unsure
of him. They'd just moved to the capital from the desert—a place where
strangers were suspect.
He pointed to some berries
that had ripened. "Do you want something to eat?"
They shook their heads.
He tried a different tack. "What
are your names? I'm Chakotay."
The girl, braver than her
brother, stepped forward. "You're the Federation person here, aren't
you?"
"I am."
The boy broke in. "But
you're Maquis too. Our dad told us."
"I was Maquis. But now
I'm Federation."
The girl looked at him
suspiciously. "How come?"
"It's a very long
story."
They both sat down.
"Ok." He sat down
in front of them. Debated the most logical way to explain how he'd been changed
by his experiences. He thought again of New Earth. "Once upon a time,
there was an angry warrior."
The girl looked annoyed. "Is
this a make-believe story?"
"Because if it is, we
have padds full of them," the boy said.
"No, it's not a made-up
story. But it helps me to tell it that way."
The girl looked unconvinced
but the boy nodded. "Okay. You can tell us. Why was the warrior so
angry?"
"He was angry because
some very bad people had invaded his world and killed the people he loved. He
was angry because his own people did nothing to help, except to try to move the
few survivors that were left off their home world."
"Like on Dannivo. That happened to my parents." The girl looked
at Chakotay earnestly. "What did the angry warrior do?"
"He decided to make the
people that hurt him pay. He didn't care that his own people told him not to. So he began to fight. And he was very successful. At one
point, both sides were trying to catch him."
The children leaned forward.
"One day, the warrior's
people sent a great starship captain after him. And she almost caught him, even
though he had led her into the Badlands, where before, he'd always been able to
lose his pursuers."
"But she didn't catch
him?" The girl seemed worried.
He smiled. "Not exactly.
They were both caught by something even more powerful than they were. And their
ships were pulled across the galaxy till they came to rest in a place very far
away from where they had started."
"Wow," the boy
said. "It must have been a really powerful thing to do that."
"It was. And in the end,
because the woman captain did the right thing, the machine that the power had
used to bring them to that place was destroyed. And they had to find their way
back to their part of the galaxy the hard way." He thought of Admiral
Janeway, with her offer of a faster way home. "The woman captain and the
angry warrior had to make peace and cooperate in order to survive in this new
place. In time, they began friends, and so did all the people that they brought
together. They became a family. And they forgot why they'd hated each other in
the first place."
"But the angry warrior? Was
he happier then?" The girl seemed very concerned
about this point.
"He was. He found
peace."
"But did he fall in
love?"
"He did. He found the
great love of his life." Chakotay heard a noise; realized Seven had come
home and was standing at the door. He wondered how long she'd been listening. He
turned toward her. "And here she is now. Seven, come meet our
neighbors."
"This is the woman
captain?" The girl's question was all innocence.
Seven looked at Chakotay, no
humor evident in her face.
"No," he hurried to
explain. "The woman captain and he were just friends. But the warrior met
someone else on that ship. Someone very special." He turned to flash Seven
a grin and was relieved to see her mouth quirk a little.
The children inspected Seven.
"You look funny," the boy said.
"I was Borg."
The girl made a face. "Ick.
All those machines and things they put in you. That must have hurt."
"Not as much as being
human does." Seven gave Chakotay a strange look, then walked to the door.
"Seven?" he called
in concern.
She turned around. Her face
was expressionless for a moment, then she smiled slightly. "It is nothing.
The shuttle ride was long and I am tired. Do not worry." When he started
to follow her, she held up a hand. "I am going to regenerate. Stay out
here and work on the garden. I know how you love it." She turned to go in.
"Not as much as I love
you." He kept his tone light.
She didn't reply as she let
the door close behind her.
##
"Are you sure you want
to do this?" Janeway eyed the sign dubiously.
"It is supposed to be
LA's finest." the Doctor said. He pushed past her and opened the door to
the Karaoke bar. "Well, come on. I believe that a friendship must have give and take. You got to pick the place the last two
times. Now it's my turn."
"Are you saying you
didn't enjoy sailing or the dog show?"
"Sailing was fine. As
for the dog show. Well, how could someone not enjoy that? Hundreds of canines,
waste products in abundance, loud noises from both dogs and their owners, oh
yes, it was paradise."
"You can't say you
didn't think the puppies were cute."
"They were adorable. As
most small mammals tend to be."
"Doctor, have you ever
seen a baby opossum? They are not cute."
"I said most, not
all." He clapped politely for a dour young human who had just finished a
rather bad rendition of some song that involved a girl named Mandy. The doctor
nodded toward the stage. "Come do a duet with me?"
"Not on your life."
He frowned and got up anyway.
"Suit yourself." His choice of music surprised her. She expected
opera, but instead he began to sing, "Come fly with me, come fly, come fly
away."
He was actually quite good
and the applause was energetic when he finished.
"I didn't know you liked
those old standards."
"A friend got me back
into them. I used to sing them a lot. But I gave them up for a while."
"That's right. You used
to sing with Seven, didn't you?"
He looked away for a moment
and when he looked back his eyes were sad. "Yes."
"I can't believe I never
realized that you were in love with her. It wasn't till we got home, and I
began to think about how things were, paid attention too late to all that had
happened to us, that I began to see how you felt about her."
He laughed. "What would
you have done? Ordered her to fall in love with me?"
The spirit of their new
friendship gave her the courage to reply honestly. "Maybe, if I'd known
then that it would stop me from losing Chakotay."
"Why don't you just tell
him how you feel?"
"Why don't you just tell
her?"
"It's not the same. She
never loved me the way he loved you." He studied her. "Why didn't you
give him a chance?"
"Too busy getting us
home. Too afraid of what it would signify. Too stupid to see what was right in
front of me. All of the above."
"I'll choose the last
one." His voice was hesitant as he continued. "You know some people
thought it was because you were in love with someone else."
She waved him off. "Mark?
Sure I held on to that for some time. But eventually,
I let him go."
He shook his head gently. "Not
Mark."
"Well who then?"
she asked, her voice pitched somewhere between curiosity and irritation.
"Seven."
"Seven?" Janeway
looked at him, then burst out laughing. "Seven? She was like a daughter to
me."
"Well, I didn't say I
thought that..."
She interrupted him. "So they thought all the risks I took for her, the way I
encouraged her to be human, were all because I was in love with her?"
He nodded. "Some did,
yes."
She laughed bitterly. "Well
they must have thought it pretty damn funny when my two paramours got together."
"No," he said
gently, "I imagine they thought it was rather sad."
She felt tears threaten and
angrily shook herself, seeking a target for her anger. The human was on stage
again, this time mutilating a song about some nightclub. "Could you
possibly make him shut up?"
"I don't think so. It's
the nature of the club to let everyone participate, no matter how poorly they
do." He touched her hand for a moment. "Much like love, isn't
it?"
She rolled her eyes. "Good
point."
"You and I, Captain, are
dismal at love."
"Yes, we are." She
raised her glass to him.
He smiled at her honesty. "If
you could do one thing differently, what would it be?"
She thought back to all the
times when she'd made it worse between Chakotay and her, all the times she'd
rebuffed him. There was one moment that stood out, that could have changed
anything. "I wouldn't have turned away from him after you got us back from
New Earth." She punched him in the arm. "Thanks a lot for that by the
way. If it weren't for you and your damn cure, he and I would still be there,
probably raising kids and chasing monkeys."
He laughed. "But if I
hadn't been successful then I wouldn't have met Seven. So
you see, no matter how much I regret ruining your little Eden, I'd still do
it." He smiled wistfully. "I'd do it all again just to have known
Seven." He rose again. "I'm going to do 'I'll Be Seeing You.' Why
don't you help me sing it?"
She raised an eyebrow.
"You can't be any worse
than he is," the doctor said as the dour man finally left the stage.
Sighing in defeat, she got
up. "Doctor, I cannot stress how much you are going to regret this."
His tone was only mildly
facetious. "Perhaps. But a friendship has to endure some discomfort in
order to grow."
Friendship. It was a good
word. She smiled as she followed him up to the stage.
##
"So how are things
going?" Dax asked as she slid onto the massage table.
"They are fine,"
Seven replied, trying to keep her towel in place as she arranged herself on the
adjacent table.
"I thought we'd gotten
past that kind of answer." Dax looked disapprovingly at her.
Seven frowned. They were
beyond such evasions. Since that first day on the shuttle, she and Dax had kept
in touch. They'd found that their schedules were often similar and took the
same shuttle whenever they could. They talked the whole way from Earth to Starbase 6, where they would head in different directions. She
owed her new friend more than the stock reply. "I'm sorry. I am unsure how
to answer."
"I keep forgetting this
is your first real relationship."
A new voice chimed in. "Well
I don't know that I'd say that."
Dax sat up suddenly, then had
to make a quick grab for her towel. "Vic! What are you doing in here? Where
are the attendants?"
"I told them to amscray. And is that any way to greet your old
friend?" He leaned down and kissed her on the cheek.
She grinned. "I'll see
you on the station in a few hours. So how are you here?"
"Let's forget the how
and concentrate on the why." He walked over to where Seven lay watching
him. "For this one. Hello, doll, I'm Vic Fontaine."
She didn't answer.
"He's a hologram,"
Dax said. "We think."
Seven remained silent and studied
the man in front of her.
"Does she talk?"
Vic looked over at Dax.
Seven replied for her.
"My vocal cords are fully functional."
"She talks."
"What did you mean? That
this is not my first relationship?"
"Well, it's not like
there wasn't someone who took an interest in you long before this Chakotay
fellow came along."
Seven realized the hologram
was annoying her. "If you mean Ensign Kim..."
Vic snorted, interrupting
her. "No, I don't. And by the way, why is he still an ensign after all
this time?"
Seven chose not to answer.
Dax seemed fascinated by the
exchange. "So, if not this Kim guy, then who, Vic?"
"Well, let's just say he
was there for her whenever she needed someone. He taught her more than anyone
else did on that ship. He guided her, corrected her."
"And loved her?"
Dax asked.
"Bingo, kid."
"The EMH." Seven
deliberately used the name that would dehumanize him. "He is not in love
with me."
"The Doctor," Vic said.
"And he thinks you hang the moon. Or he did anyway."
"Did?" Seven was
unsure of the reference but didn't like the sound of the past tense.
"Well, yeah. I mean, he
was pretty sad there for a while. But that was before he started palling around
with the captain."
"Captain Janeway?" Seven
felt an all too familiar feeling threatening. It was irrational to be jealous
of this relationship. She was fond of the Doctor, of course. If he found
happiness with someone, then she should be happy for him. Was happy for him.
For him and Captain Janeway. Janeway. A woman she respected.
Dax asked, "Isn't she
the one that Chakotay...?"
"Yes. She is."
Seven was surprised at how bitter she sounded.
"Oh."
"Oh," Vic said, looking
smug. "Now you see the problem. Bad enough to lose one man you love to
this woman. But two?"
Dax shook her head.
"Seven never said she loved the Doctor."
"No, she sure didn't. Well,
gee, look at the time. I've got a gig in a few minutes." He held out his
hand to Seven, then grinned good-naturedly when she didn't take it. "It's
been a pleasure, doll. Ezri." He walked out of
the room, singing something under his breath.
The attendants came in a
moment later and began their massages. Seven was silent for some time.
"Seven?" Dax
finally asked.
"Yes."
"Do you love the
Doctor?"
"The EMH is a
hologram."
Dax seemed to be considering
that. Finally she answered, "So?"
"He is not real."
"Maybe not. But is his
love?" When Seven didn't answer, Dax pressed on. "You're not happy
the way you are right now, Seven. You won't admit it, or maybe you just don't
know enough about what being happy is. But you just aren't there. Chakotay may
be a really nice guy, but he's not the one for you. I know it. Vic knows it. And
I bet Chakotay knows it too."
Seven turned her head. She
didn't think Dax could hear her as she muttered, "Yes, everyone seems to
know it but me."
##
Chakotay was finishing up
some work in the office at the front of the residence when Seven walked in. He
smiled to see her there, was enjoying that she'd been with him for several
weeks this time instead of just days. "This is a nice surprise."
She seemed nervous and
avoided meeting his eyes. "I'm not sure you will think that once we are
done talking."
He put down the padd. "What's
wrong?"
She took a deep breath. "I
do not believe this is working for me."
"Excuse me?" He got
up and walked around the desk. His tone was teasing as he wrapped his arms
around her. "You're always trying to break up with me for my own good,
Seven. It's getting a little old."
"What is getting old is
sharing you." She pulled out of his arms.
"Sharing me?"
"Yes. With her."
He frowned. "You're the
only woman I see here."
"Yes, well, she's a
ghost."
"Oh. Ok." He really
didn't understand where this was coming from; even if he knew exactly which
woman she was talking about.
"Do not patronize
me!" Her shout startled them both.
"I'm sorry, I..." He
was unsure what to say.
"No. I am sorry. This
emotion, it is unfamiliar and I do not like it. It hurts."
"I don't want you to
hurt."
She nodded slowly. "I
believe that. And I am not angry with you. You have taught me so much about
many things. But it is time to realize that this must end."
"Why? You said you loved
me. Just last night, you said it. Does that mean nothing? Was it a lie?"
She shook her head, her
expression helpless. "I do love you. But not enough to share you."
He was unsure what to say. Her
tone held a finality he'd never heard from her. He didn't try to stop her from
walking out of the room. He didn't interfere when she packed up her belongings.
When she stopped in front of her alcove, he asked her, "Where do you want
this sent?"
"I am unsure," she
whispered.
He moved behind her and put
his hands on her shoulders. "Then stay. Don't do this."
She turned and melted into
his arms. It took him a moment to realize she was crying.
"How do you stand it? This
pain? It is relentless. I hate it."
"It's part of love."
She pulled away. "Hopefully
a small part."
He smiled at her innocence. "Hopefully,
but not always."
"Not when you love
someone who doesn't love you?"
"I do love you,
Seven."
She shook her head
impatiently. "I don't mean me. I mean you and the captain. Is this how you
felt all those years?"
"I don't know exactly
what you're feeling. But I suppose they're a little bit similar."
She smiled, her expression
one of resigned enlightenment. "No wonder you chose me."
"Seven, it was
never..."
She put her finger over his
lips. "Please, do not say anything more. I will let you know where to send
the alcove as soon as I have figured out what to do with my life."
He reached for her but the
look on her face stopped him. It was as firm as any that Kathryn had ever given
him.
Seven picked up her bag and
walked to the door. "I will never forget you, Chakotay. You were my first
love." She squared her shoulders firmly. "But I hope that you won't
be my last. You taught me that love is something to be desired, to be
cherished. This hurts now, but when I think about us, how we were, it will not
be this pain I remember. It will be tenderness, and sweetness. And love. I know
that you loved me...just not enough. Goodbye, Chakotay."
He felt his throat swell,
could barely get the words out. "Goodbye, Seven."
And then she was gone. He
wandered around the house for a bit, remembering the things they had done in
each room. Meals eaten, love made, secrets shared. Not all secrets though. Not
Kathryn. Yet Seven had known. Had she always known?
Chakotay sighed as he walked
back to his office. He had reports to finish for Starfleet. And he had a
meeting with the ruling council to prepare for. He couldn't afford to be
distracted. He pushed the sadness, the grief, away. And as he did, he realized
that other emotions were already taking hold. Different emotions. Emotions he
would never admit to anyone but that he knew were true.
He felt relief.
And hope.
##
The Doctor had just finished
with some modifications to the lab prototype when the buzzer rang on the
holodeck. "Computer, who's at the door."
"Seven of Nine."
He stood in shock. She was
here?
The buzzer rang again. "Open."
She walked in, looking the
same as he remembered. Right down to the expression she wore. Neutral,
emotionless. His hopes sank.
"Perhaps you need to
have your hearing subroutine checked. I had to ring twice for admittance."
"I was in the middle of
something. I didn't expect anyone."
"Oh." She wandered
the lab. Then turned to him quickly. "It is good to see you again."
"You too."
She wandered some more around
the holodeck. He found himself getting irritated. "Is there a reason you're
here? And can I expect the commander to come through that door any minute?"
"Yes. And no."
It took him a minute to
realize what she was saying. "You aren't with the commander anymore?"
"We have ended our
relationship."
"I see." He hated
the way his hopes came rushing back. If he could figure out what subroutine
controlled them, he would disable it.
"You do not sound very
interested." Her tone was casual.
"Well, of course I'm
interested. In the sense of a friend who cares what you're going through."
"Because you have no
other reason to care?"
"I'm not sure what you
mean?"
She turned to him. Her look
was as open as any he'd ever seen her wear. "I mean, that once you might
have cared because you had feelings for me. Strong feelings."
"Feelings?" He'd
played out this scenario in his mind, even on the holodeck countless times. Yet
now he was barely able to respond.
She moved closer to him. "Perhaps
you no longer care because you have found someone else to have strong feelings
about?" She sounded curiously irritated.
"Someone else?"
"Your communication
subroutine needs adjustment too, apparently. Or are you stalling?" At his
look, she continued, "I have learned a great deal during my time with the
commander. One of those things is speaking my mind. So
I will do that now. You were in love with me once. Are you still?"
Suddenly he was the one who
was irritated. "Why?"
"Are you?"
"Why do you care? I
don't even exist for you as a man. Just as your teacher. Someone that could
help you explore your humanity even though I didn't count as human. Someone you
could use without ever really seeing."
"Is that what you think
I did?"
"Isn't it?"
Her voice was very small. "I
was ignorant of emotional relationships. I could barely feel, let alone assess
those feelings. How was I to know that you were interested if you wouldn't tell
me."
He began to pace. "I
tried to tell you. You weren't listening."
"When?"
"When we were practicing
singing. I tried to tell you then." He could see her thinking back. Saw that
she did not remember. "It doesn't matter."
She shook her head. "It
does matter. Try again. Tell me again. The same way you did then."
He stood frozen for several
seconds. Did he want to do this, open up these old feelings? What if she shot
him down again? What if she still didn't see it?
"Please," she
whispered.
He surrendered. Took a deep
breath. Put everything he had ever felt, still felt, for her into his voice and
his eyes as he started to sing. "You are my sunshine, my only
sunshine."
For a moment she didn't
react. Then he saw her swallow as she began to see what she hadn't recognized
all those years before. When he finished, she asked quietly, "You love me
that much?"
"Yes.".
"I did not know. I do
not think of you that way."
He turned away from her,
unwilling to show her how much her words cut him.
"I am saying this badly.
I am still new at this. I have not till this moment considered you a possible
mate."
"Till this moment?"
he asked without turning around.
"Yes." Her voice
was very close to him. "I will have to get used to the idea."
"But you're willing to
do that?"
"I am. If you are
willing to court me?" Her tone was more playful than he'd ever heard it.
He turned to her, making sure
this wasn't some fantasy Vic had conjured up for him, but she was there, real.
Smiling tentatively.
He began to smile. "I believe the first step is for us to have a first
date."
"I need to know
something first. Are you seeing Captain Janeway?"
"She's my friend. And I'm
hers."
"That is not what I
mean. Are you...involved with her?"
Where in the world would she
have gotten that idea? "Seven, she and I aren't lovers."
"Then a first date is
acceptable."
"Excellent," he
said. He decided not to disable those hope subroutines after all.
##
Janeway stared at the travel
pages, unsure what she was even looking for. She'd asked for some time off but
now she wasn't sure what to do with it. She didn't want to bother the Doctor,
not when he finally had his chance with Seven. Her mother or sister always
welcomed a visit, but she just didn't feel like she would be good company. She
wondered what Chakotay was doing.
"Call him," the
Doctor had said, when he told her of the breakup and Seven's visit. "Don't
let this opportunity slip away."
But she hadn't called him. And
he hadn't called her. And it would stay this way forever, neither willing to
risk anything. Neither wanting to be hurt again.
She tried to decide between
vacation spots. Found some places that she'd always wanted to go, to explore. Booking
them would be a simple matter.
She sat for several long
minutes. Then she began to key in her request. Without thinking about what she
was doing, she booked herself onto the late shuttle to Starbase
6 and the connecting shuttle to Litenax.
She hurried to pack a bag,
dithering a bit over what to include before deciding it didn't matter. She
rushed to the transporter station, made it just in time to the shuttle port. Tried
to relax as the hours passed and she got closer to Litenax.
Finally she was there, and she realized she had no idea where
Chakotay was on the planet. She asked at the booking desk for the location of
the Federation representative and fortunately got the address with no problem.
Then she just had to wait until it was her turn to transport, imagining all the
ways this could go horribly wrong.
His house appeared in front
of her. She rang the chimes and waited but there was no answer.
Her heart sank. This was his
office and his residence, according to the person she'd asked. If he wasn't
here, then he might be anywhere. With anyone.
"Are you looking for
Chakotay?"
She turned to see a boy and
girl watching her from the yard next door. "I am. Do you know where he
is?"
They both nodded. Then the
girl asked, "Are you a captain?"
Janeway nodded, a bit
confused.
The children looked at each
other and giggled. The boy said, "He's in the back yard. In the
garden." Then they ran off.
She slowly walked around the
house. As she came around the corner, she saw him, crouched on the ground
working on some plants. He was facing her but his head was down. She was
surprised at the rush of emotion she felt just from seeing him. She'd missed
him so. "I thought gardening was my gig?"
He slowly looked up and she
watched his look change, the grin he couldn't hide as he saw her. He got up but
didn't move toward her.
She understood suddenly why
he hadn't come to her on Earth. Why he wasn't coming to her now. This was up to
her—had to be her choice. For him, after all this time, there couldn't be any
doubt.
"Hi," she said, as
she began to move toward him.
"Hi."
"I heard about you and
Seven."
He nodded, his face sobering.
"She left me."
She was halfway there. "Why?"
"Said I was in love with
someone else."
"Are you?"
"You tell me,
Captain."
"Kathryn."
He grinned. "Kathryn."
She stood in front of him. Close
enough to touch him, if she wanted to. "Are you? In love with someone
else?" Her voice was more intense than she meant it to be and she found
herself trembling a little.
"And if I was?"
"Just answer the
question, Chakotay."
"Yes. I am."
She breathed a sigh of
relief. Then was embarrassed when he heard it and laughed.
He moved closer. "Thought
I'd had a change of heart?"
"It's been a long time. And
you had someone else."
"I still love you,
Kathryn."
She couldn't stand it any
longer, reached out and touched his cheek. She saw the tenderness in his eyes,
and the ache of loneliness she'd felt ever since Voyager made it home
eased. "I was a fool."
"You sure were."
She grinned and realized that
most of all she'd missed his ability to make her smile. "I had my
reasons."
"If you say so." He
softened his words by covering her hand with his own.
"I've missed you."
"What did you
miss?"
"You want a list?"
"I do. A complete one,
too. My ego needs some stroking after what you put it through."
She laughed. "Fair
enough. I miss my friend, the man who was always at my back no matter what. I
miss the first officer who never hesitated to tell me when he disagreed with
something I planned." They both grinned at that. "I miss the dinners
and the jokes and the sleepless nights when you met me on the holodeck. I miss
the rush of getting away from some enemy and knowing we did it together."
"Those are all good
things."
She reached up and touched
the other side of his face, then pulled him closer. "I miss the man I
love. The man who loved me no matter what. I miss kissing you and touching
you."
He looked confused. "We
never actually did those things."
"In my mind, we did."
She pulled him down the rest of the way and their lips met.
So. Damn. Good.
He pulled away gently and
stared at her as if he couldn't get enough of the sight. "You're really
here."
"I'm really here."
And then she laughed, because she was finding it hard to believe too, after so
much time resisting.
"Kathryn, I've missed
you so." His mouth found hers again, even as he picked her up and walked
rapidly to the door and into the house. He stopped suddenly in front of a
bedroom. He suddenly looked uncertain.
"You missed me, Chakotay?
Really?"
He nodded.
"Then prove it. There."
She pointed to the bed.
It was all the encouragement
he needed.
##
Dax walked into the deserted
lounge. "Vic?" she called out. There was no answer. Sighing she
walked around the bar and poured herself a drink. She sipped it slowly.
"Ezri.
I didn't expect you." His voice was close behind her.
"I know. I just felt
like coming here."
"Bad night?" He
reached around her and poured himself a drink too.
She resisted the urge to lean
into him, to find out what his arms would feel like around her. "Yeah."
She walked away from him. "But you knew Jadzia,
Vic. You know how unforgettable she was."
"She was a nice person."
She whirled on him. "What?
No colorful metaphors for what a looker she was? No waxing euphoric about how
brilliant a scientist she could have been? No excuses for why my lover might
call out her name in his dreams?"
He shook his head and didn't
look away. "No."
She downed her drink. "Well,
good."
He walked around the bar,
carrying his own glass and the bottle of bourbon. "Here," he said as
he refilled her glass. "How about a toast?"
"A toast?" She
glared at him. "To what?"
"To matchmaking gone
right. Your friend and my friend are even now on their way to a beautiful
relationship."
Dax smiled despite her black
mood. "I'm glad for them." She clinked her glass gently against
Vic's.
"The other two look like
they'll make it too. God knows they've been through hell, so they deserve some
happiness."
"Yeah. They do." She
looked up at him. His eyes were so warm.
"Everyone deserves to be
happy, Ezri." His eyes became even warmer,
offering her anything she needed. Everything she needed.
She felt regret as she pushed
the possibility away.
He seemed to sense it. Didn't
push her, just walked back to the bar. There was silence for too long.
"We need music,"
she said.
He turned to her, looked for
something in her eyes and seemed to find it. "Music," he ordered.
The band appeared.
"Dance?" she asked him
as she put her drink down on a nearby table.
He put down his own glass,
walked back to her, and opened his arms.
She went into them without
hesitation. Something slow," she told the band. "Something
sweet."
She and Vic began to sway
slowly. His voice was soft in her ear. "When somebody loves you, it's no
good unless he loves you, all the way. Happy to be near you, when you need
someone to cheer you, all the way."
She felt the tears and didn't
even try to stop them. "Friends?" she whispered as she tucked her
head into his chest.
He tightened his arms around
her. "Always."
FIN
(If you like the idea of Ezri and Vic, check out "It Wouldn't Be Make-Believe" on the Deep Space 9 page.)