DISCLAIMER: The Justice League of America
characters are the property of DC Comics. The story contents are the creation and
property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2005 by Djinn. This story is Rated R.
Beyond Meta, or What the Hell Are They
Doing to Us?
by Djinn
Diana sat at the laminate
table, a selection of comics in a pile in front of her. She was cutting out
images of herself from them and compiling them into an impromptu collage.
"Nice," Kal said as he stopped to look at what she was doing. "Greatest
hits?" He tossed a brew to Bruce then snapped one open for himself.
"Give me that," she
said, grabbing the beer and guzzling half of it.
"I love a woman who can
hold her liquor," Bruce said, as he changed the channel on the television.
"Why is there nothing but infomercials?"
"Because you won't
spring for premium," Kal muttered.
"I heard that."
"I meant you to." Kal leaned down. "Diana, not that I mind seeing you
splayed all over the table"—his eyebrows went up and down in a funny way
that made her laugh—"but what the hell are you doing?" He eyed his
beer meaningfully as he pushed a few pictures to the front.
She noticed they all showed
her with particularly large bazoombas. "Stop
that," she said, as she pushed the beer back into his hand. "Look at
these."
"I am."
"No, I mean look at
them, don't ogle them." She pulled one out. "I look like I'm on
steroids. How do I even lift my arms?"
"It's not your arms I'm
looking at."
"Boob shots? Oooh, I want to look." Bruce got up and hurried over. "Oh,
I remember that one. It was when they were trying to get us together."
"Like that would ever
happen." She giggled as his hands meandered down her hair, around to her
throat and then down and down...
"Mmmm,
a fistful of Dianas."
"Yeah, that's
original." Kal pushed him away from her. "I
like this one. Remember this one?"
It was when she'd gone after
the dragon queen. She was thin in this book. Barely a muscle on her and nearly
flat. And her face was very different from any of the others. She realized
she'd seen that face before. "I look like Courtney Cox."
"Courtney
Cox-Arquette," Bruce corrected her absently, ever the social butterfly. "It
wasn't your best look."
Kal found the book she'd cut the shot from and flipped
the pages until it showed him pounding on her chest. "Oh, I think it was
okay." He dug around in the pictures, pulled out another and studied it. "This
is from Asgard, isn't it?"
She nodded. She could still
smell the bonfires. She'd thought she'd never get the smell out of her hair.
"You look pretty built
here."
"That's my point. I go
up and down like I'm...Christian Bale."
"Sweetie, we've been
over this." Bruce leaned down. "We're drawn by many different people
with many different visions. Week to week, there's no telling how we might
look."
"I want to be drawn by a
woman."
"A gay woman," Kal said, grinning at Bruce.
"Mmmm,
girl on girl. Never get enough of that."
Diana pushed the pictures
away and grabbed another set of comics. "Have you seen this?"
They both started to read. There
was a long silence. Bruce moved his mouth as he read, and Kal
kept going back to start over.
"Do you want me to sum
up?" she asked when she got tired of waiting.
"We've got it under
control." Kal looked at Bruce. "We've got
it under control, right?"
Bruce pushed the books
closed. "In the interest of time, why don't you sum up?"
"They're killing
us."
"Seriously? They killed
us?" Kal began to rifle through the books.
She set her hand on his,
stopping him. "You they're just making look stupid."
"Stupid-er, you
mean." Bruce giggled.
"Don't laugh, Bruce. He
beats the holy shit out of you. I have to rescue you. Then I get to carry you
like a big girlie-man out of the Watchtower."
"Do not!" Bruce
reached for the book.
Kal pushed his hand back. He had that faraway look that
meant he was using his super-vision. "Oh, she so does, my friend. Wow, I
really do a number on you. You heal fast, if it's any consolation?"
"I shouldn't heal fast. I'm
not meta."
"Like you don't remind
us of that every ten minutes?" Kal continued his
perusal of the closed books. "Ooh, look who's here. I always thought she
was such a hottie." Kal opened the book so Bruce
and Diana can see.
All three of them murmured,
"Sasha," at the same time. The boys looked at Diana.
"I was raised on an
island of women. Do you really think that I'm naturally straight?"
They both got the dreamy
girl-on-girl look again, and she was sorry she'd said anything.
"So back to this beating
the crap out of me part." Bruce seemed seriously worried. "Is it
going to hurt?"
"No, it's going to feel
like you've been sitting on your ass all day watching pay-per-view." Diana
glared at him.
"We have
pay-per-view?" Kal frowned. "When did we
get that? Why didn't you tell me?"
"What do you care? All
you watch is the farm channel." Bruce turned back to Diana. "You
carry me? In your arms? Might as well call me Robin and get it over with."
"So
I don't get hurt?" Kal looked very pleased.
"You're just a big
dupe," she said.
"Nothing new
there." Bruce walked back to the couch, interest in the books apparently
over.
"It's your fault, too,
Bruce. You built this satellite thing to keep tabs on the metas.
And, of course, it's taken over by your enemies."
"Like that would ever
happen..." Kal said, winking at her.
"That was NOT my
fault." Bruce didn't turn around.
"Your paranoia is likely
to be the ruin of all of us," she said to his back.
"Nothing new
there," Kal said in a snotty tone, a little Krytponian sing-song in his voice. "How many times
have you planned for our destruction, Bruce? When do you find the time between
chicks and movies?"
"I'm a good
multi-tasker," Bruce said, proving he was by changing the channel on the
remote while simultaneously scratching his nuts.
"And couth to
boot." Diana sighed. "Why can't they just leave us alone? Look at
what they've done to all of us in the last few years."
"You looked so hot with
that red blindfold, Diana. Didn't she look hot, Bruce?"
"She looked hot. Bondage
Wonder Woman."
"Funny." She pulled
Kal with her to the couch and sat between him and
Bruce.
"Why do you always get
to be in the middle?" Kal asked, pouting quite
prettily.
Sighing, she got up and let
him sit in the middle.
"I like it better when
she's in the middle." Bruce shot Kal a "You
just don't get it" look. "Basic anatomy dictates it works better with
her in the middle."
"And you can't see her
boobs if I'm sitting here."
"Right. That too." Bruce
peered around Kal. "Yep, still big."
She pushed at them. They were
big. But not giganamous like in the stupid books. "I
think I'd fall over if I had melons like they draw me with."
"You'd fall over, but
you'd have landing pads." Kal giggled. It was a toss-up
whether he or Bruce had the higher pitched snicker.
"Bounce, bounce,
bounce." Bruce slapped Kal on the shoulder.
Kal slapped him right back.
"Shit! That hurt!"
"Hey, I'm just
practicing for my big moment in the books."
"You won't even see
it," Diana said. "You don't know what you're doing, and when we do
finally see it, it's in hazy flashback mode."
"I hate it when they
draw it like that." Bruce sighed. "You sure you carry me out like a
girl?"
"I take very good care
of you. I'm the picture of devotion." She scowled. "Although I don't
know why. You've got Sasha. You've got Alfred."
Kal snickered and they both looked at him. "Manservant.
I'm just saying."
"Don't even..."
Diana got up and pushed
herself into the little bit of space left between them. "This is why I get
the middle. When you start acting like grown-ups, one of you can sit in the
middle." She took a deep breath—sometimes dealing with these two gave her
a headache. "As I was saying. Sasha. Catwoman."
"Ooh, I get Selina
again? Which book is that in?" Bruce oomphed
loudly as she elbowed him in the ribs. "You're just jealous, Diana. Think
of those lithe, leather-clad thighs sliding around your body."
She did. She was suddenly in
a very nice girl-on-girl world that did not include city-boy and his country
cousin as voyeurs.
"Come back,
sweetheart." Kal tickled her—or tried to. The
armor got in the way.
"Where's Lois,
anyway?" Bruce asked.
Kal shrugged, so Diana answered. "She's boycotting. After
that last, incomprehensible storyline where they split Kal
apart again, she'd had enough. Plus they made her wear
that peasant girl outfit and pick fruit." So not Lois. Although she'd
looked hot in the get-up.
"That was the one with
you guys fighting?" Bruce pretended to act out Kal
and her fighting. He made Kal into a big wuss.
"That was only one of
the ones with us fighting. Whenever they need to boost ratings, they have Diana
and me fight. Or hint we might screw." Kal was
flipping absently through a newspaper as he talked. At their silence, he looked
up. "What? I can't be smart?"
"Well, it's just that
you usually aren't," she said.
"I'm not stupid,"
Bruce said with a breathy Jessica Rabbit voice. "I'm just drawn that
way."
For a moment, they all went
to a nice Jessica Rabbit place.
"I'm not stupid,
either." Bruce leaned his head back. "And I do have a life. Why won't
they let Batman have a damn life. Fight, patrol, pretend to be a playboy. Why
can't I just be a playboy for real? Wouldn't that be easier?"
"They'd see the
scars," Kal said.
"Oh, yeah." Bruce
looked down. "I hate those scars."
"They're very
sexy," Diana said, patting his hand and thinking about Selina some more.
Kal broke the silence. "So, are we officially
worried about this new storyline?"
Bruce watched her, his expression ready to go either way.
"I think one of us is
going to die," Diana said softly.
"Well, it's Bruce's
turn." Kal slammed down the newspaper. "I've
died already."
"Yeah. We all had to
live through that." Bruce rolled his eyes. "How long did they drag
that out? How many books did we get out of that?"
"At least you guys have
books. Some of us just have the one." Diana sighed. "I think it's
going to be me."
"They can't kill
you."
"Why not? They're
brought Donna back. She looks just like me. Except she has better sense when it
comes to choosing a costume." Diana looked down at her well-displayed
assets. "Why do I continue to wear this outdated, Miss America bathing suit
of a uniform? It makes no sense."
"Maybe it's the change
of life? You're too warm?" Kal looked down. "Just
trying to help."
"I'm made of clay, Kal. Not a real woman. No time of the month, no change of
life."
"So, that's not PMS? You're
really just a moody bitch?" Bruce clapped his hand over his mouth. He had
obviously not meant to say that out loud.
"Getting bitchier by the
minute, too." She held her hands out in front of her. Studied them. "Do
you think I'd kill someone?"
"Sure."
"Yeah, why not?"
She dropped her hands. "Yeah,
that's what I thought." Leaning her head against Bruce's shoulder she felt
Kal pull her legs up across his lap. Which left her
at a very odd angle. "Ow."
"We get to share."
"Share some other time."
She pulled her legs off him and sat up straight.
"Way to ruin it for both
of us, you big dope." Bruce flipped the channel. "Who
are you going to kill?"
"Max Lord."
"Cool. Can I
watch?"
"No. You're too busy
watching Sasha get skewered."
"Sasha," they all
three said again in hushed tones.
"Can I watch you kill
Lord?" Kal grinned at her.
"Oh, yes. And you get to
judge."
"Judge? You mean judge
you?"
She nodded.
"Why?" He rolled
his eyes. "When will they drop this 'I can't kill' crap? So damn
stupid."
"Plus, you big ingrate, I do it to save you. Well and to save
mankind. And because I have gray eyes."
Kal glanced at her. "I hate to break it to you,
love. Your eyes are brown."
"Yeah, you're
Greek," Bruce said. "You have great brown eyes."
"Well, we all know that.
But the guys who draw me apparently think I'm part Swedish."
They all went to a nice
Swedish place for a moment.
"They won't kill you
off, Diana. You have a movie coming out. With that Buffy guy directing
it."
She looked at Bruce like he
was an idiot.
"What?" He looked
at Kal. "What?"
"He killed off Buffy. Twice."
Bruce gulped.
Diana nodded. "And
Darla? And Fred? And Cordelia?"
"And don't forget Joyce,
Tara, Anya, Lilah, Jenny, Kendra. And a bunch of those wannabe slayers." Kal nodded. "I'm thinking the Whedon
argument is not going to hold water."
"Besides," Diana
said. "We all have movies coming out."
"I know. A blonde Lois. It's
just wrong." Kal shook his head.
"She's very
pretty."
"She's not Lois."
Bruce shot him a look. "Lois
goes back and forth from red-haired to brunette. Is it such a stretch that
she'd try blonde?"
"She's not a
blonde." The issue was obviously closed to Kal.
"Fine, she's not a
blonde," Diana said, remembering that old movie where they'd try to make
her a blonde. As if. "I'm still worried that one of us is toast."
"Maybe they're just
working their way up to a big Trinity moment. I mean a real Trinity moment. One
plus one plus one. Girl on boy on boy action." Bruce
sighed, clearly in a very happy mental space.
"Right. Like that's
going to happen." Diana put her hands on their thighs and pushed herself
up. "I'm sick of worrying about this. I'm going to go beat up some super
villain." She could feel her smile working its way from innocent to
wicked. Was Cheetah busy and would she put on that slinky cat suit if Diana
asked very, very nicely? She wasn't Selina, but in a pinch...
"Can we watch?"
Bruce hit Kal.
"Cut it out, you perv. Diana just needs time alone." He smiled up at
her. "They're not going to kill you off, doll. Trust me on that." He
went back to playing with the remote.
Kal nodded then went back to reading the paper.
Diana walked over to the
comic books piled on the table and, with a casual flick of her wrist, knocked
them all off the table. They opened to various shots of her, boobs accented to
the max.
With a tired sigh, she went
in search of a cat to fight with.
Fight being a relative term.
FIN