DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters
are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The story contents are the
creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2023 by Djinn. This story
is Rated R.
Dissociative States (Part 2)
by Djinn
6:
He
sits in the ready room, staring down at the technical specs of the tech the Jurati Borg are offering. It's intriguing, what it might be
able to do.
It's
just him and Raffi and the captain in the meeting. This is all close-hold,
which is why he's reading the specs off the captain's data table and not from
the comfort of his own office as he would prefer.
"Analysis?"
She looks particularly Borg the way the table light is hitting her, casting a
greenish glow onto her.
He
tries to ignore it. "This could really change some things."
"I
concur." She looks at Raffi. "From a data side?"
She
shrugs. "There are plenty of ways for her to hide malicious code in this.
There will be programs coming with the equipment. But why would she? Agnes held
the border during the Borg incursion. She could have joined with those who saw
Starfleet at its weakest. Easily taken over."
The
captain nods. "And yet she didn't. She protected us."
A
fact he didn't know until this meeting. A fact that should make him feel better
about having a Borg ship potentially warping into Earth orbit.
But
it really fucking doesn't.
"Admiral
Janeway made it clear that Agnes asked for this to be used on the flagship and
indicated that all three of us should be her interlocutors on this."
He
frowns. "She asked for me by name?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"You're
chief engineer on the flagship. And the finest engineer in the fleet who is not
flag rank."
"Flattery
won't get you anywhere."
"It
is a fact, not flattery." She meets his eyes. "I understand you
prefer to have more time to assess options. But we need you on this
mission."
"On
this—you mean on her fucking ship? Howzabout you two
go, do the Borg equivalent of a happy former crew mates
reunion, and I'll stay on the ship and figure out the best way to integrate
this?"
"That's
really not an option, Liam, if the captain needs you," Raffi says softly.
"And if I'm reading this right, we can't just beam over to her ship
without what she asked for. It's..."
"Undiplomatic,"
the captain finished for her.
"Right.
And she's not like the other Borg, Liam."
"She's
not creepy as fuck?"
"She's
not as creepy." Raffi makes the face that says, "Just go with me on
this."
Hell
to that.
The
captain gets up and starts to pace. "I want to trust her."
"I
don't," he says. "For what it's worth."
"Noted."
She turns to Raffi. "Where do you fall on this?"
"Does
her vote matter?" He's feeling panic rising and hates it. Can't he just be
with his fucking engines doing the fucking job he fucking loves?
"It
doesn't. But I am curious."
He
can tell Raffi's torn. She meets his eyes and makes a face that he's learned
means: "I'm sorry but..." and he sighs. "I feel like we owe her.
Like I owe her. She saved you because I asked her to."
"I
agree."
"I
am not beaming over to a Borg ship." He knows both of them are staring at him
but doesn't look away from the captain. "No."
"I
understand your hesitation."
"No,
you fucking do not. You were one of them so of course this feels hunky dory to
you."
"Liam."
Raffi's voice holds the note of her about to be super pissed off.
He
ignores her. "There is no fucking way."
"Captain
Shaw, I am giving you a direct order. You will accompany us."
"Or...?"
"Or
you will find yourself off my ship."
"Oh,
gonna get your girl Janeway to do it? The same way
you found yourself on my ship? Nice parallelism."He
can see his words hurt her.
"It
is. Elegant, even. I was not, however, aware you knew of that."
"It
was in my personal logs. You think my language is colorful now...you should
read the me of then."
She
stares him down until he finally looks away. "Raffi, if you wish to
continue to enjoy his company on this ship, I suggest you convince him."
He
scoffs.
She
moves closer and leans down, her face so near to his he draws back in his chair
until he can't anymore—he will not roll his chair away: that would be a clear
surrender. Because there's nothing sexual in what she's doing—it's pure threat.
"This is your one allowed time to defy me."
"I
gave you way more than that, Hansen. Then again, you betrayed me and got
me killed."
Her
lips tighten but she doesn't move back. "You were more generous than I
will be. One chance. Do it again, and I'll get another engineer to be chief on
this ship. Is that clear, Captain?"
Raffi
isn't saying anything, which tells him this isn't the usual Seven of Nine she
can easily cool off.
He
looks away. "Could you back up please?"
She
does, standing up, staring down at him with disdain clear by the way the side
of her mouth goes up. "Is that clear, Mister Shaw?"
"Crystal,
Captain."
"Excellent.
And if you call me by that name again, I will put you on report. Brief him on
the Jurati, Commander. Somewhere other than here. I
have a call to make."
Raffi
is up and motioning toward the door. He takes his time and she shakes her head,
so he drops the attitude and follows her out. She leads him to the lift and
once the doors are closed, says, "Hold lift," then slams him into the
wall and glares at him.
"What?"
"Are
you fucking crazy? She has bent over backwards to not make things awkward for
us and you can't sack up for a mission she needs you on?"
"It's
the fucking Borg."
"I
understand having bogeymen. I really do. But get the fuck over it. She would
never—and I do mean never—put you in danger."
"Because
she loves me?"
"No.
Because that's who she is. She takes care of people." She pushes him off
her when he tries to hug her to bring down the weirdness. "Resume
lift."
"I'm
sorry?"
"I'm
not the one you need to say that to. Just shut up and let me get you ready for
this."
"In
your quarters?"
"In
your office." She is not smiling.
And
she still isn't by the time she finishes briefing him and leaves to go find the
captain.
##
Raffi
rings for admittance, expecting the doors to open on Seven's voice command but
instead she comes striding out of the ready room. "Not interested in a
heart to heart." She walks past her and takes her chair.
Mura
and Esmar seem to be studiously pretending that they
can't hear every damn thing being said.
"The
Jurati Borg will be here shortly. Is he ready?"
She
nods.
"Good."
"He's
sorry."
"Yes,
I'm sure he's sorry he might have upset you. I doubt he gives a flying fuck
about apologizing to me." She gives Raffi the sideways glance that means
she's really furious.
"Yeah,
okay, that's true."
"The
Shaw I knew would not have acted that way. This one is..."
"Insubordinate?"
"Don't."
She
doesn't, but she knows Seven sees the irony. "Would you really transfer
him?"
"If
he ever treats me like that again, then yes, I really will." The
look she gives Raffi is the same one she saw at the end of their
relationship—when Seven was just over everything. And
now, unlike then, she pretty much can't blame her.
"His
trauma..."
"I'm
well aware of his trauma, Raff. I'm apparently the living embodiment of
it." She relaxes just a little into her chair. "And now I'm asking
him to step into the belly of the beast. I do know what I'm requiring from
him."
"Okay."
She decides to try to change the topic. "Janeway's got everything set
up?"
"She
called Agnes while I was on the comm. The Jurati ship
will be here shortly."
"So she was close when she sent in the request for a
meeting?"
"She
was not. But distance is a small thing when one is Borg." She looks as
emotionless as a Vulcan.
Raffi
wants to shake her. "Are you okay?"
"Of course I am. I love being reminded how my former captain
didn't want me." She glances at her. "You knew?"
"He
may have told me."
"Yes,
I imagine there are many sweet nothings like that between you—perhaps he
whispers them in your ear after climaxing?"
She
decides to let that one lie. Seven is hurt and when she's hurt
she can be mean. And as mean goes, that wasn't actually that bad. She sits,
pulling in as much zen as she can, trying to channel Worf.
"I'm
sorry," Seven finally whispers.
"I
know you are. If I'd known he was going to react that way I'd have pre-briefed
him. Then again, I'd have had to have been pre-briefed." Which Seven
hadn't bothered to do.
Should
she have? If she'd wanted Liam effectively managed, shouldn't she have? Then
again, jumping through hoops to effectively manage one member of the crew isn't
what she should have to do.
Liam
should have trusted Seven. Or Raffi, if he couldn't his captain.
"I
told you it was close hold—and I was on a deadline to get back to her. And as I
said, the Shaw I knew would never have acted like that."
"But
the Shaw you knew had been a captain for several years. You really don't know
what he was like when he first started out as one."
"Oh,
I think I do. I'm serving with him. And I don't like him any better than he
likes me."
"Seven,
give him a chance."
"I
did. He took it. He has zero chances left. I hope you made that clear to
him?"
"I
didn't have to. You did. Way to be terrifying by the way. No Queen could
have done it better." Oh, shit, why did she say that?
"Nice.
Very accurate if you were aiming for something vital." There's so much
pain in her voice that Raffi reaches out but she whispers, with a razor edge to
her voice, "Touch me right now and you'll be leaving the ship with
him."
She
drops her hand. "I'm sorry. We're all just on edge."
"Is
that what it is? Or are you finally choosing sides? His." She stands up.
"You have the conn, Commander. I'll be in my ready room until the Jurati arrive."
She
strides away and Raffi is left kicking herself for making things worse, not
better.
##
Seven
doesn't speak to Liam or Raffi as she walks up the steps to the transporter.
She turns and waits for them to get into place before nodding to the
transporter tech.
The
Jurati ship reminds her in no way of a cube. She
feels a huge sense of relief at that. She glances at the other two. Raffi looks
curious. Liam looks like he's going to throw up.
She
can feel the Borg all around her. Feel as in the way she used to, and
it's the most welcoming experience imaginable as the voices gently surround her
with whispered calls in her mind of Welcome and You're home.
She
feels herself relaxing into it, even as she knows she mustn't.
"Seven
of Nine. Our child." Agnes looks as she did when they last met her on the Stargazer
and she's smiling. Then she turns to Liam. "And our newest member."
Her assimilation tube suddenly deploys.
Seven's
only dimly aware of Raffi hitting her combadge,
calling for beam-out for all three of them, and then disappearing.
By
herself.
Liam
seems frozen. And looks terrified. So much so it breaks Seven out of the stupor
she's in, making her hit her combadge and say,
"Emergency beam-out now!"
"They
can't." The Queen advances on him.
Seven
inserts herself in between them, pushing him back. "Why not?"
"Because
after you used your nanoprobes to revive this one, we had to install extra
security measures to protect our collective. No one with Borg blood can be beamed
off this ship unless we drop our new secondary shields. And we don't want
to."
"A
logical precaution to take." Seven would have done the same in her place.
"But that does not explain the assimilation tube."
Agnes
cups her face. "Child, you gave him our blood. He is part of you—part of
us, and we can fix him. Put him back the way he was. Don't you think we can
feel your pain since you lost him? It screams to us."
Yes echoes in her mind. So many voices. So
much support and sympathy.
"Shaw,
can you speak?" She pushes him back again with her body, getting him out
of assimilation-tube range.
"I
can."
"Do
you hear the voices?"
"No
voices. More a sense of...pressure. In my head."
"Stop
doing that to him," she says to Agnes, who merely cocks her head and
narrows her eyes. "As you wish."
"It's
stopped."
"Put
your hand on my shoulder so I know no one's taken you."
He
does it without arguing, holding on so tightly she's sure she'll have a bruise.
"Seven
of Nine, we can find the missing five years within his mind. They are nothing
to us, as you well know. Moreover, if we finish his assimilation, you will be
together in a much more fundamental way than just what the physical would
offer."
"That's
not how being Borg works. I remember how it was. It was total connection with
no individual will, the opposite of romantic." And even if Agnes could
bond her the way she says, she remembers what happened to the mini-collective
she made, how desperate they were to escape each other by the end.
"Yes,
but we have adapted and transformed. We offer something truly new—more akin to
a Vulcan marriage bond than assimilation. We have discovered that love—the kind
that is due to true connection—is a powerful bond."
"And
a great marketing tool, no doubt. Since you rely on voluntary members. Or so
you say."
"It
is true. We do not force anyone."
"Yet
you want to force him." She moves as Agnes does, always keeping herself in
front of Shaw, feeling his desperate hold on her increase in strength.
"The
Liam Shaw that loved you would let us have him."
"Pretty
sure he wouldn't," Shaw mutters and she has to
agree with him.
"Was
the tech just a ruse to get him?"
"Not
a ruse. The tech was an offer we always planned to make as soon as the original
Borg were eliminated. But it was convenient to also be able to help you. He
will be much more capable of integrating it without issue if he is one of
us."
"Please.
No." He whispers it and he sounds nothing like the Liam she knew. He's
gone beyond scared to terrified. She knows if she looked, his left hand would
be shaking with tremors.
And
she forced him to come. Because the Queen asked for him and she just did what
she was told.
And
because she wanted to. To make him do one damn thing.
As
payback?
"I'm
so sorry, Liam," she murmurs and he squeezes harder then
eases up.
She
focuses on Agnes, putting all the gravitas she has worn the last few months as
captain around her. She will meet Agnes one queen to another. "My Liam
Shaw is gone. This Liam Shaw is now here. He has value and I will not trade his
life for the one that is lost. He does not want to join your collective. Unless
you have changed your mission statement, forced assimilation should be anathema
to you."
"It
is. But we can reach the Shaw that loves you. He is not lost, just hiding. He
will not say no."
"You
don't know that." She moves back again. Pushing him farther away from
Agnes. "His life is not mine to barter with. Nor is it yours to decide what
version of him he will be. This is what is."
"How
very Vulcan of you. Your friend Tuvok has rubbed
off." She smiles. "We can feel how angry you are. You refuse the
voices."
She
can feel them, the pressure Liam spoke of, but she is refusing them access to
her.
"You
do not trust us now. What will it take to make you trust us again?"
"Let
him beam back to the ship as he is. Do not alter him. He has free will. He
chooses the life he has now, don't you, Liam?"
"I
do." His voice is shaking but he lets his death grip on her shoulder ease.
"Very
well. The shield is dropped."
Seven
hits her combadge. "Seven to Enterprise.
Beam Captain Shaw up now. Raffi?"
"Here."
She
hears Liam being beamed away, feels the lack of his touch on her shoulder.
"Have Ohk compare his scans to the ones the
transporter logged when we beamed down. If anything has been altered, I want to
know it."
"Aye,
Captain."
"Let
me know the results as soon as you have them. Seven out."
"And
now what?" Agnes asks, her face impassive.
"We
wait."
"What
will you do if we have changed him?"
"Kill
you."
She
laughs softly. "You tried that. You ended up bleeding out on the floor of
our ship."
"Until
Raffi asked for my life."
"Yes."
"So I owe Raffi. If I am part of you, then you also owe
Raffi."
"Do
lovers owe debts?"
"I
don't know but it's irrelevant. She's Liam's lover now. She will prefer him as
he is. She and I aren't lovers, therefore I owe her.
As do you. Do not do anything to change him. If not out of obligation, then as
a favor to me?"
"We
honor no obligation from your debt to Raffi. But, as a courtesy to you, we will
not touch him. We cannot undo the damage done, though, in this encounter. His
trauma screams but his trauma is not with our collective."
"It
is now." She can feel defeat rising up in her. Then her combadge chirps and she hits it. "The results?"
"Identical
to when he left. He's fine, Seven. But...not all right if you get my
drift."
"Understood.
Ohk will know what to do for him. I think you should
stay with him. I will conduct the discussions with Agnes alone."
"Is
that wise?"
"I'll
be fine. She was just trying to help. Without asking first." The downside
of pairing as impulsive and emotional a person as Agnes with as powerful a being as the Queen.
"Understood.
Raffi out."
She
feels a huge sense of relief. He is unharmed. And Raffi won't let anything harm
him.
"We
knew you would do that—reject our offer," Agnes whispers, her smile
completely different.
"Then
why do it?"
"It
needed to be done."
"To
hurt me? Or to make me want to stay because we both know the voices felt good
to me and I'm so...?"
"Lonely?
Neither. Both. And more."
"It's
nice to see you've upped your ability to speak in riddles."
Agnes
smiles in a way that seems genuinely amused. "We have missed you,
Seven."
"You
can prove that by limiting the bullshit from here on out."
"Your
language has changed. His influence, we think."
"I
swore as a ranger." Only not as many f-bombs.
"Perhaps.
Come, we will show you the tech. Or do you prefer to pretend to have a
discussion over whether or not you wish to accept such a grand gift from
us?"
"Pretense
is inefficient."
"Finally,
something we agree on. Perhaps today will be a success, after all."
7:
Liam
lies on the biobed, trying not to hyperventilate, trying not to hear Locutus and see the Constance destroyed as he
floated away in the life pod. He's holding Raffi's hand tightly and she's
rubbing his arm, watching him closely.
Protecting
him.
He
tells her what happened. Wants her to know what the captain did for him—for
them.
"It
doesn't surprise me, Liam. She's generous and kind."
"And
brave and loyal." He finally understands what he saw in her, why he
recommended her for promotion.
She
fucking saved him. And she didn't have to. Moreover, not saving him might have
given her what she wants.
Ohk comes out with a hypo.
"I
don't want to sleep."
"I
know you don't, Liam. But your body needs the rest. Your flight or fight
hormones are raging. This will help calm them and you."
"I
don't want it." He pushes her away with his left hand and knows she can
feel how badly it's trembling as he does it.
"Liam,
let her help." Raffi turns his face gently so he has to look at her.
"Please. I'll be right here if you have a nightmare."
"Yeah,
and I'll be inside the nightmare." But he nods to Ohk
and hears the hiss of the hypo. Then the bliss of the drugs.
Drugs
he realizes Ohk would probably not give to Raffi
unless it was life or death. Raffi is so much braver than he is.
So
is Hansen.
He
smiles. "Damn good drugs, Doc. Learned a bit or two from Crusher,
huh?"
"I'm
perfectly capable of mixing my own pharmacological cocktails, Liam." She watches
the biobed, and he knows his numbers must be coming down because of how her
expression changes.
He
looks at Raffi. "I'm not a warrior."
"That's
okay. Not everyone has to be."
"But
you would have fought."
"No,
not Agnes. I begged, when it was Seven's life on the line. I couldn't fight
Agnes. She was too strong. So, see, not always a warrior."
"I
love you, Raffi." It's the first time he's said that to her—why is it the
first time? Life is so damned short and he can't wait on these things anymore.
"I
love you too, Liam. But you're also very stoned so I won't hold you to
that."
"I'm
going to tell you again when I'm not high." He closes his eyes and is
gone.
But
a moment later he wakes and he's back on the Jurati
ship, and the Queen is coming for him, but then a figure in a hood with swords
comes between them, slicing off her assimilation tube, then putting a sword
through her heart.
"Raffi,"
he says, but the ship changes to the Constance and it's Locutus in front of him, telling him resistance is futile
and there are so many drones with him, all with tubes extended.
But
Raffi doesn't hesitate and she takes them all down. And then she turns to him
and he realizes it's not Raffi.
Hansen
pushes back the hood and says, "We're not going to the Ryton System this
time."
"What?"
But
another Queen comes striding out and she stabs the captain through the back and
the tube erupts out of her chest. "Mine first. Mine always," she says
as Hansen falls to the floor.
He
looks up at the Queen. But it's not the Queen anymore. It's him. Older him
because he's sadder and clearly disappointed as he leans down and pulls a knife
he recognizes as his from Hansen's back.
"Did
you have to do that?" his older self asks, just before he jerks awake.
Sickbay
is quiet. Raffi's sleeping in a chair by his bed. He can see the shift nurse
working at a desk, isn't sure which doctor is in the office but the light is
turned down and he hears the sound of keys being tapped.
The
doors hiss open and he turns. It's the captain walking toward him, but she
stops as soon as she sees he's awake.
"I
thought you'd be asleep," she says so softly it's almost not even audible.
He
waves her over and she moves slowly, as if afraid she'll trigger him?
"It's okay," he says just as softly. It feels familiar, this way of
talking.
This
way of talking...to her.
"I
just wanted to make sure you were okay. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I should have
listened to you when you said you didn't want to go."
"Well,
you never do listen to me so..." He frowns. "I'm not sure why I said
that. I don't mean to be an asshole. I really want to say thank you. I was
terrified. And you saved me. And I know that the choice wasn't easy."
"Actually it was. I've always wondered what I would have done
with Tuvix. I guess now I know."
"Am
I supposed to understand that?"
She
shakes her head.
"Would
the old me have?"
"No.
It's a Voyager thing."
"Oh,
okay."
She
backs away. "I'll let you rest. I'm just glad you're okay." And she
hurries out.
And
he stares at the doors for a very long time after they close behind her before
finally closing his eyes and going back to sleep.
He
doesn't have another nightmare.
##
Raffi
wakes and sees Liam is gone. "Computer, location of Captain Shaw."
"Captain
Shaw is in the gym."
He's
been in the gym a lot since the meeting with the Jurati.
She calls up the security feed that probably nobody is aware she knows how to
get to and sees he's on the rowing machine. Sometimes it's the punching bag,
other times the weight machines. She closes out of the feed, not liking that
she's feeling the need to spy on him, but she's worried about him.
He
has nightmares every night. He won't tell her what they're about. And
sometimes, he'll just stop in the middle of telling her something and frown.
Not like he's lost his train of thought but more like something's interrupting
it.
She's
pretty sure it's his memories. But she's not going to ask. Not going to force
him to tell her anything.
Because
it might not be memories. It might be the trauma, and he is going to the
counselor, has one from his past trauma with the Borg. He's working the
program. The way he's supposed to.
His
hand is shaking a lot more though. And there's a sense of heaviness to him.
Their sex is sometimes more frantic than fun, him seeking comfort after he
wakes up from another nightmare.
But
other days it's like it was. His quirky grin, his loving touches, his lips on
her, his jokes making her laugh. Those days are getting less frequent though.
And
he hasn't told her he loves her, the way he said he would once he wasn't
stoned. She tries to keep that from hurting, but she can't. And she won't say
it first, won't make it so he has to say it back.
She
gets up and takes a quick shower, hoping he'll be back by the time she's ready
to get breakfast but he's not.
So she goes to the
mess and sees Sidney and Jack and eats with them.
When
she gets back to her quarters to brush her teeth, he's coming out of the
shower. "Good morning."
He
gives her the smile she loves the best. "Good morning."
She
finishes up and kisses him before heading to the bridge. He'll get something at
the mess that he can eat on the run. What he's often done, he's told her.
She
wonders if that was true of Captain Shaw too.
Seven
is in the chair looking at her padd when she arrives on the bridge. "Do
you remember a Margo Sinchon?"
"No,
who is she?"
"She
says she met us on the Stargazer. She's applied for the science officer
position."
"Doesn't
ring a bell." She pulls up the Starfleet record. She's hot. No way she'd
forget.
"I
think one of us would remember her." Seven sighs and puts the padd down.
"This is the third applicant for a job on this ship who's lied about us
meeting."
"Or
meeting us really means we were on the same ship and we passed in the halls. No
way we'd forget three people."
"I
don't understand the logic of saying that. I will never trust them now.
Especially for a bridge position." But she's typing something in.
"Asking
her how we met?"
"Yes.
It's possible you and I were off our game on the day in question."
"Unlikely
but possible."
She
leans back and puts the padd down. "I cannot wait to get the hell away
from Space Dock and underway. But now with the Jurati
tech upgrades, we'll be here even longer."
"I
know. Sucks. You have tons of leave. Why not go somewhere?"
"I
spent years in the Rangers going many somewheres.
Solo travel is overrated."
"I
think you were also visiting some pretty shit places."
"You
have a point." She closes her eyes. "There is a leadership class one
of us could take."
"Boring."
"Yes.
But eventually we'll have to do it. Liam wrote me so many waivers to get out of
those."
"Mister
By the Book didn't think you needed the training?"
"I
think it was more he thought he could train me better."
"That
I buy. Did he?" Should he have done that? Did he want her around or just
not tainted by other schools of thought—less by the book ones?
"I
don't know about better, but he certainly trained me. I know my way around the
regs."
"Woo
hoo," she says laughing.
"And
how important it is to protect your crew. For a long time
he had the best safety record."
"They
should not count anything that happened during the Borg crisis."
"They're
not. But anything before assimilation day, they are. So
all the shit with Vadic..."
"That's
really not fair."
"Preaching
to the choir, Raff."
"Have
you talked to him much since the whole Agnes thing?" She doesn't think she
has, but is curious.
"Not
much. I apologized more than once for what happened."
He's
not talking shit about Seven anymore. But she saved him. So
he damn well shouldn't.
"How's
he doing?" Seven's voice is sad, as if she knows how he's doing.
"Depends
on the day."
"I'm
sorry."
"What
were you supposed to do? Agnes asked for all of us. We had no reason to think
she'd do that."
"I
know. I wish I understood why she did. Other than to be my Borg fairy
godmother, offering to give him back his memories."
They
sit quietly for a moment, then Raffi says, "I'm not sure I would have said
no."
Seven
swats her. "Bullshit. You'd fight like hell to protect his right to be
himself. It's who you are."
"Who
we both are."
"Damn
straight."
##
Seven's
sitting at her desk catching up on personal comms when she hears a weird chirp
and the doors to her quarters open. Liam is standing at the doorway, staring at
her. "You didn't take my access away."
"What
the hell do you think you're doing? I'm calling Raffi." She reaches for
her combadge.
He
steps in. "Hansen, don't."
For
a moment rage fills her—she told him what would happen if he called her that
again. But then she looks—really looks at him. At how still he's standing. At
how serious his expression. At how haunted his eyes are. "Liam?"
He
walks around the room, then turns to her. "I uh... Things come into my
head, memories...but fragments."
He
turns and points at the bed. "You found that funny. But why is a bed
funny? We never shared it, right? Never laughed in it. That's what you said—we
weren't lovers."
"That's
right. But your knife rack was on the shelf, on the side you slept on."
"Did
I want to die?"
"I
often asked you that." She studies him. "Your knives are in the boxes
the quartermaster delivered."
"I
know. I unpacked and put the rack on my desk. That's where I always keep it.
How could I sleep with it right over my head? It's not even that well
balanced." He walks over to the shelf, where she has only Icheb's uniform shirt, neatly folded, the blood hidden. He
touches the insignia almost reverently. "I feel sad about this. I don't
know why."
"Because
you know that uniform probably was worn by someone. Not everything is a memory.
The Liam Shaw I knew was perceptive and sensitive to his crew's pain."
"Whose
was it?" Then he holds his hand up. "No, don't tell me. Maybe I'll
remember someday."
"Maybe
you wont. You've been through a lot. I put you
through a lot."
"Technically
the Queen did. You protected me. Protected a member of your crew. The way a captain
should. Keep them from getting hurt. From getting..."
"Assimilated,"
they both say together.
She
realizes he's trembling violently and hurries to him, easing him to the chair
he used to sit in when she had to bother him in his quarters. "It's
okay."
"I
didn't really want to be a captain. Did I ever tell you that? When you were my
first officer?"
"No.
And you did it so well. The ship ran smoothly. The crew was happy. I...was happy. And I'm kind of a hard grader."
"Me
too. What grade would I have given myself at the end?" He meets her eyes.
"I've read the logs. I kept trying to get back to being by the book when
Picard and Riker—and you—were pushing me to be more. Even before then, I said
it all the time but that's not me. I mean it is me when we're talking working
with engines—the book will save your life. But in life?"
"For
what it's worth, you seemed comfortable living life by the book."
"But
how did I get there? And why am I not that now? I've been so busy looking at
the time I spent with you. It's never occurred to me to look at logs from the
other years. When maybe...I changed. Wasn't such an asshole."
"Well,
for what it's worth, I really liked the asshole. Except the name thing."
He
meets her eyes. "A little more than like." He takes a deep ragged
breath and lets it out. "And I'm sorry about the name thing."
"Do
you want something to drink? Water or...?"
He
shakes his head.
"Does
Raffi know you're remembering things?"
"Not
yet. Although she's noted my change in temperament. Chalks it up to the trauma
from the Jurati. But that's not my trauma."
"No.
I am."
"What
if it's not you? What if it's me?"
"Liam,
you've been through a lot. Both at Wolf 359 and the Borg Crisis and then what
happened on the Jurati ship. Your trauma is the Borg.
And I'm Borg. Not even ex-Borg if Agnes is to be believed." She looks
down.
"If
you were truly Borg, you wouldn't have defied her. She's your Queen—if you're
really Borg."
"Perhaps."
'What
if I have amnesia not because of the nanoprobes not working right or the trauma
of the day, but that I just miss when I was happy? When I was...light? Engines
are my passion and I stupidly let them move me up to the bridge." He
sighs. "Why would I ever want to be a captain?"
She
shrugs because she doesn't know. He didn't seem unhappy to be a captain when
she knew him.
Finally she says,
"If you and I are the only ones who really know what's going on, and if
you want to stay where you are—where you're happy, I can ask Agnes to take
those memories away forever. I think she could do that. If it would be easier
to just be Liam Shaw, Engineer. If you want a happy life with Raffi—and I know
you two are happy."
"I'd
have to be Borg."
"Maybe?
Maybe not. I'm not sure. But if I am one, then she's entirely hands off. This
is the first time I've ever heard them in my mind."
She's
careful not to touch him, even though she wants to hug him and hold his hand
and make sure he's all right—or maybe it's more that she wants to know that
this part that's just a little bit hers is really there.
She
continues, "But she might be able to do it without assimilation. I don't
know. Anyway, I can ask, if you want?"
"I
don't know what I want."
"If
you just want to pretend your memories never came back, we can do that too.
We've done a pretty damn good job of avoiding each other. Should be easy to
maintain."
"I
don't want to lie to Raffi." There's a note in his voice, a "how
could you even suggest that?" kind of thing.
And
it pisses her off because she's trying to help him. To give him ease and peace
and a life with Raffi. Even though she wants to push him down and crawl
on top of him and kiss him until he never wants to leave her.
And
he forgets all about Raffi.
She
pushes that thought away. "Then how do you want to play this?"
"First,
I'm going to tell my girlfriend the truth. Then, I guess, I just go back to
refitting the engines and see what else comes back." He frowns as he turns
to her. "Do I have your permission to talk to people who served under me?
I don't mean talk casually, because obviously I do that now. But find out how
they felt about me, what kind of captain I was? How I changed? How I changed—or
didn't—them?"
"Of course you can."
"And
I'll review those earlier logs. I was so fixated on you. But...maybe...that was
wrong." He meets her eyes, reaches out very slowly as if she might swat
him away, and traces the implant over her eye. "This terrified me. Now it
doesn't. I don't know why though."
"Why
did you come to me first?"
"I'm
not sure." He pulls his hand back.
"Okay,
well maybe you should go back to your girlfriend before she finds you
here?"
He
stands. "Yeah. Thanks, Captain."
"Good
night."
He
nods and heads for the door but turns just before it opens. "I don't know
what's going to happen. But what I do know is you really don't trade lives. And
I admire the hell out of you for that. Thank you for...protecting my free
will."
"I'll
always protect you."
"Unless
you're betraying me." He makes a sheepish face. "Sorry, you don't
deserve that."
"No,
I probably do. Goodnight, Liam."
"Goodnight,
Cap—Seven."
8:
He's
coming out of Seven's quarters when Raffi exits the lift. She stops and narrows
her eyes and he smiles, but knows it's only a partial version of the smile
she's used to getting from him.
"I
was looking for you."
"I
was in there." He points behind him.
"Duh."
"Can
we do this in here?" He gestures with his head to her door and she says,
"You know how to get in there."
He
looks at the entry panel.
She
walks up, studying him with a frown. "Or do you not want to be the one to
open it?"
He
slams his hand onto the panel.
"Whoa,"
she says as the doors open. "Sorry I asked." She walks in and he
follows her.
"So you were in Seven's quarters...why?"
"Because
I'm remembering bits and pieces."
Her
face falls.
"I
wanted to know if I could try to figure out what kind of captain I was. Talk to
the people who served under me."
"And
that couldn't be done in her ready room?"
"We
didn't do anything, Raff." He sits on the bed. "You're my girl."
"Which
of us are you trying to convince?"
He
can feel a darkness inside him, like the inverse of a sun, breaking through
with a rise of shadows rather than light. He's afraid this is who he became
before. "I like the old me better." He looks up at her, and his hand
starts shaking again, and he grabs it with his other hand, to stop this fucking
goddamn tremor.
"Hey.
Hey, it's okay." She moves close enough that he can pull her onto him,
hold her tightly, and they kiss lovingly.
She's
so damn sweet.
"We
could take leave." She says it quietly—so quietly that he thinks it's so
he can ignore it.
But
he meets her eyes and shakes his head. "You know ski jumpers—how they
can't change their minds mid track?"
She
laughs and nods.
"I
feel like I'm mid track. I better work on the landing."
"Yeah."
She eases off him. "If you think you'd rather be in your quarters for
tonight or longer and are just afraid to tell me...?"
"You're
my girlfriend."
She
smiles, half pleased, half wary. He doesn't blame her.
"I'm
sorry, Raffi. I don't think I'm the same guy I was before we beamed down to the
Jurati ship."
"I
know. But you don't have to be the same guy. You're you and I like you."
"I
like you too. So much." He told her that he loved her before. He does
remember that. He can't bring himself to say it now, though. Not if it might
end up being a lie.
"Let's
go to bed. I'm really tired."
He
thinks she's just giving him an out but she does appear to be wiped. She's
asleep a few minutes after curling into him.
It
takes him a long time to finally follow her into slumber.
##
Raffi
finds sitting next to Seven to be super weird so she gets up and says, "Gonna do more of my familiarization walkabouts."
"Good
idea." Seven looks as happy to see her go as she is to leave.
She
heads down to sickbay, finds Ohk in her office.
"Can we talk? In private? Nothing medical."
"Sure."
She hits a button on her desk that closes the doors. "What's up?"
"The
Liam that we've been seeing lately. How true to life is he? I mean if we went
back five years, is that who we'd see?"
She
nods.
"You
and he. You go back even further, right?"
"Yeah,
way back." She leans in. "We used to hunt together."
"Like,
with guns?"
Ohk laughs. "No, in nightclubs. We were
each other's wing person. Although we pretty much had the same taste in women
so sometimes it was a competition. Especially if the woman went both
ways." She gives Raffi a very friendly smile.
She
can feel herself turning red. "Stop it."
"Okay.
Did not mean to make you uncomfortable." She seems a little worried.
"Relax.
Not going to write you up—or tell Liam you were hitting on his girl." She
sighs. "I guess I'm trying to understand how this guy—this super fun,
super funny guy—turned into the Shaw I met." And didn't really like.
"It
wasn't overnight. It was a hard adjustment for him. Going from something he
could do in his sleep to something where everything needed to be answered in
fifteen seconds. He was so stressed. His humor became...sporadic. And then it
because...harsh. We never go out anymore to clubs. He just...he just kind of
went inward."
"Just
because of a job?"
"It
didn't play to his strengths. I mean he made it play to them—he kept mentoring
people even though most captains leave that to their department heads and the
supervisors lower in the chain. He'd be down in engineering when he couldn't
stand it. The commander was with him half the time during her tenure." She
looks panicked. "Well not half the time but a little."
"It's
okay. I want to know what I'm up against."
"Up
against?"
"He's
getting his memories back."
"He
did not tell me that." Suddenly Ohk is one
hundred percent doctor and Raffi loves how the silly/sexy act falls off and the
professional takes over. "How much?"
"Fragments.
Bit and pieces. But...I see it. I see him changing. And I guess I wonder who
owns the parts that were hidden."
Ohk doesn't answer.
"Because
I think it's probably her." She looks down.
"If
he goes back to what he was like, he won't be the same guy. The lighthearted
guy who you're with. Who you clearly really, really like. If that helps?"
"So you think a Liam with all his memories will choose
her?"
"I
don't know. They have this bizarre chemistry. And...they're
on the same wavelength so much of the time. Like they have their own
language."
"I
saw some of that. Before he died."
"But
now's there's you and you're the wildcard. And I think Liam knows how special
you are."
"She's
special too."
"I
guess. If it were my choice, I'd choose you."
She
smiles at her gratefully. "Too bad it's not your choice, then." She
gets up.
"And
I'm getting Liam down here for a full work-up."
"Do
not tell him I told you."
Ohk pretends to zip her lips.
"Thank
you. For everything."
"I
didn't do anything."
"You
were full of info. And you listened. That's not nothing."
##
Seven
sits with Jack and Sidney in Ten-Forward, trying to ignore that Raffi and Liam
are on the dance floor.
Her
discussion with him has left her shaken—and way less
copacetic than she had been.
Sidney
follows her gaze and makes a face. "Why aren't you mad?"
"Mad?
They are adults."
Jack
mumbles something about getting refills and hightails it to the bar.
"Big
chicken." Sidney leans in. "So...once upon a
time I really liked this guy. Only he didn't know I was alive because he was
totally into Alandra."
"Let
me guess: she didn't go out with him because you were more important."
"No,
she totally went out with him. But I should have been more important. Sisters
before misters, right? She's your friend."
"I
am not discussing this with you, Sidney."
"Is
it because you dumped her?"
"I
did not dump her. How much have you had to drink?"
"Not
that much. I just want to know why you think you can't be mad?"
"Why
do you care?"
"Because
I just spent an hour this afternoon with Liam explaining why I wasn't mad at
him for turning me into a Borg. As if he did that. My freakin'
boyfriend did."
Jack
is at the table with glasses but immediately turns and heads back to the bar
saying, "Oops, he gave me someone else's order.
Seven
laughs. "Now you've scared off said boyfriend."
"He
always comes back." She leans in. "I really like Raffi. I'm not
trying to cause trouble. It just occurred to me that I don't know why you're
not mad. Is it because you feel bad that you let Picard and Riker steal the
shuttle?"
Seven
closes her eyes. "Sidney, I'm going to go now."
"Why?"
Raffi asks as she and Liam come off the dance floor. "Hey, I've got an
idea. Why don't you two dance?"
"I
was just leaving."
"Yeah,
umm, it's okay. " Liam is stumbling over himself to let her out of the
booth but Raffi doesn't move.
"Are
you afraid to dance?" Raffi's staring her funny.
"Stop
pushing."
"Let
it breathe, as you used to tell me. Why? Enquiring minds want to know why a
dance isn't a good idea?"
She
meets her eyes. "Get out of my way."
It
goes very quiet around them.
"Raff,
come on." Liam actually eases her out of the way. "Sorry,
Captain."
"No
problem. I'll tell Jack he can come back, Sidney." She gestures to the
booth. "Please, you two, take my seat."
And
then she is heading to the bar, where she tells Jack, "Please get over
there and keep any of them from following me."
"On
it."
She
doesn't look back but she can hear Jack and Raffi arguing.
"Why
aren't you mad?" keeps repeating in her mind.
Who
the fuck says she isn't?
9:
Shaw
is in his office when he hears the slight stomp that means Seven is in his
domain. The sound doesn't grate on his nerves the way it used to.
She
stands in his doorway. "Got a minute?"
"Sure."
He motions to his guest chair and she smiles and says, "I've been sitting.
I'll stand."
"I
don't remember that but I must have felt that way a lot too."
"You
did. You walked around quite a bit. You were a captain who was seen by his
crew. I'm not sure I am."
"Well
to be fair to you, we're in space dock and most of the crew isn't on
board."
She
laughs. "True."
"Are
you warming up for a talk about how fucking weird that was the other night in
Ten-Forward."
"Actually
no. But now that you mention it, it was weird." She turns and he's struck
by how blue her eyes are. "Is she okay?"
"I
think so." He's being careful. He doesn't want to be disloyal to Raffi,
but it was really fucking weird. Why in God's name would she want him and Seven to dance?
"Okay,
then we'll just chalk it up to a weird moment and forget it." She walks
over to his idea board. "What's this?"
He
gets up and walks over to her. "New ideas on the left, things we hate on
the right."
"Lots
of different handwriting."
"Yeah,
anybody can come in to scribble on it." He's watching her face. "I
take it I didn't have one of these in my ready room? Or elsewhere on the
ship?"
"If
you did, it was before my time. Maybe it got unwieldy. Or people were
assholes." She laughs and he finds the sound so different than what he'd
imagine—it's almost a cackle. "The Rangers had a suggestion board for a
hot minute. The things that came in on that were just unreal. They put together
a newsletter with just those and we all got a good laugh."
"I
didn't realize the Ranger were that organized. A newsletter and
everything?"
"It
was one Ranger. She couldn't hunt the way she used to so she was pretty much
Mission Control for the rest of us." She looks down. "She liked me. I
have no idea why."
"Looked
out for you?"
"She
did. She's gone now."
He
hears something really off in her voice so he asks the question he normally
wouldn't. "How did she go?"
"Disruptor
to the head. The Ranger way." For a moment, she is gone, and he thinks
it's to somewhere very dark. Then she seems to
mentally shake herself and walks forward and starts to read the boards. "These
are actually useful."
"Yep.
We're holding them until the refits and Jurati
upgrades are done. Some might go away. Some might get worse. But we're on the
job."
"So I see. And that's why I'm here. I know we already have
one daughter of your hero on board but how would you feel about having Alandra La Forge in engineering?"
"Does
it mean that Geordi gets to come visit her and I
might get to talk to him more. He was so friendly that day at the
reception."
"It's
possible." She grins at him.
"Serving
with your sibling, though. How's Sidney going to take it."
"They'll
be in different sections. We had sisters on Voyager. They were twins,
even worked in the same section. They were attractive and very popular."
"Till
you got there." He realizes what he said just as she laughs in her normal
more restrained way—he wants to hear the cackle again. "Sorry, that was
rude."
"I
don't mind. And sadly you aren't wrong. That fucking
outfit they put me in. I understand the purpose but they could have given it a
jacket. Something to make it look like I was part of the crew."
He
isn't sure what she's talking about so he just shrugs.
"Sorry,
it's getting easier to forget you've forgotten." Her smile is easy and
free of blame.
"Oh,
hey. I have a question." He reaches for the padd on his desk and brings up
the music player. "I have this memory fragment. Dinner, you, me, Picard
and Riker. I can see me drinking wine. I can see you eating blue steak. I have
a plate of it too but I'm talking."
"Verbally
eviscerating would be the correct term."
He
laughs. "Yeah, I was a dick. But I don't remember being a big fan of
Chopin. And I do remember other classical pieces I like. So why did I play this
during that dinner?"
She
smiles. "I think you wanted me to know that I wasn't part of what you were
tearing apart. It's one of my favorite pieces."
"Do
you know any of mine?"
She
nods. "'In the Air Tonight' by Phil Collins."
"That
drum."
"Yes,
you made me a believer in that song. It's on my playlist and seems very lonely
amid so much classical, but I play it when I'm really angry and working
out."
He
lifts an eyebrow. "Have you been playing it since you brought me back to
life?"
She
laughs in a sheepish way. "Yes. Possibly on repeat." She shakes her
head at his laugh. "But for classical music, your favorite is Borodin's
Nocturne from his String Quartet Number Two. So sad."
"So
romantic."
"Yes,
you always said so. I only heard pain."
"And
you never hear the discord in the Chopin piece." He frowns. "It's so
weird. Shit like that just comes to me now. But it's just these little pieces.
I don't, for instance, know when you told me the Chopin was your favorite
piece. Or if I discovered it was because it was always playing in your quarters
when I had to bug you when you were off duty."
"It
must be frustrating."
"It
is. But also getting bits back feels right." He turns and looks out the
windows of his office, into engineering. "Only I can feel myself
changing."
"How?"
She hasn't turned and he's grateful for that.
"Like
I remember working on the nacelle, the changeling that looked like Sidney
coming in, and I was fucking terrified. And then you just blew it the fuck
away."
She
does turn, leans against the wall watching him. "I had no idea you were
terrified. You played it very cool."
"Yeah,
that's the problem. I see those moments and I'm so fucking cold."
"Compared
to what you came back to life as, yes. But there is a comfort in a person who's
not given to extremes. And everyone knows you care."
"And
you liked me, right?"
"Yes,
but I'm not exactly a roaring bonfire when it comes to personal warmth."
He
laughs out loud. "We make a great pair."
And
wow, that was so the wrong thing to say. But she just smiles and says, "We
were indeed an effective command team."
"Thank
you."
"Words
are tricky. They can mean so many things."
"Yeah.
And I think I started using them as weapons—like all the time. But before, I
was light. I was happy. I saw the funny in things. Now sometimes all I see are
problems. Things to be addressed before someone gets hurt."
"You
had the best safety record in the fleet. That came with a cost." She
shifts and he gets a whisper of perfume as she moves.
He
puts those thoughts out of his mind and goes to his desk. "So Alandra, sure. When can I
expect her?"
"I'll
arrange it with personnel."
"Wouldn't
Raffi normally do that?"
"This
came through channels."
"Well
luckily it was a good one this time. Remember Murrow?" He frowns.
"Who the hell is Murrow?"
She
smiles gently at him. "A pain in our collective asses. Which I should feel
bad about saying because he was shot by the changelings during the
boarding."
"Where
did he serve?"
"Geology."
"Was
he blonde?"
"He
was. You can visualize him?"
"Only
from the back. Maybe that was the best way to see him—leaving."
She
cackles and he thinks she probably did that a lot when he caught her off guard
that way. "I imagine it was. Well, I'll let you get back to it."
"Okay."
He meets her eyes, is having a hard time forcing himself to look away.
She
doesn't look away for a very long moment, then she turns and leaves.
He
wants to go with her. To talk about other things he's
remembering. Fragments of life.
But
he doesn't. Because he doesn't trust that his motivations for wanting to spend
time with her are wholly innocent.
##
Raffi's
in her bridge chair reading old department reports on her padd, trying to
familiarize herself with everything that goes on when the lift opens and Liam
walks out.
He
gives her the sweetest smile and she asks, "Came to visit your old
stomping grounds?"
He
walks to the captain's chair, touches the screen, hit a combo of buttons and
the resolution improves. "It keeps resetting to the default which is too
damn small." He meets her eyes. "Another memory."
"Yay."
She knows she sounds half hearted. She doesn't mean
to, but every step toward the man he was is, she's afraid, a step away from
her. "What are you here for?"
"I
need her. Trying to make sense of something."
"Something
in engineering."
He
smiles gently. "No something in my head. From our time—hers and mine, not
yours and mine." He makes a face. "Not making it better, am I?"
She's
acutely aware of how still the rest of the bridge crew has become. How
important how she answers will be. "Don't be silly. Go and fill in the
blanks."
He
grins and is gone. She goes back to reading—or pretending to be—as she tries to
listen in. Seven keeps the door open unless she's in a meeting or pissed off.
She
hears laughing. Even his laugh is changing. Becoming more restrained—older.
Five years shouldn't make that big a difference but it does. Or maybe it's the
weight of those years, the responsibility of them?
She
hears him coming back, his footsteps on the stairs sure and quick—muscle memory
possible. Not necessarily that he remembers how many times he must have exited
that room. How it would have been Seven sitting in this chair waiting for him,
not her.
"All
good?" she asks as he stops by her.
"Yep.
Lunch? Noon?"
"Our
usual booth?"
"Yep.
See you then." His smile is the one she loves, his voice not holding any
deception.
She
gives it a few beats, lets his absence register, the bridge crew go back to
normal, and then she gets up and walks up the stairs into the ready room, not
seeing the point of handing over the conn when she's right there, doors open
and besides they're in space dock.
Seven
is smiling. It's a smile Raffi used to love. Now...knowing Liam caused it, not
so much.
She
looks over at her. "Hey. What's up?"
"Just
fun seeing him up here, huh?"
Seven's
look instantly closes down. "Meaning...?"
"Whoa,
someone's defensive."
"I
know you when you're on the attack but pretending to be innocently making
observations."
"Yeah,
I guess you do." She crosses her arms over her chest as she moves closer.
"You like that he's coming back. Your version of him."
"I
do. I see no reason to lie about that."
"What
if it hurts me?"
"What
if what you've been doing with him hurts me?"
"And
here we are. The mutual hurt society." She looks down. "How long
before I lose him?"
"Raff,
he came to ask me if he actually insulted the Vulcan ambassador or not. It's
hardly sweet nothings."
"Why
would he insult the Vulcan ambassador?"
"Because
he was snooty about the engines during a tour."
Raffi
starts laughing. "Man, he loves those things a little too much."
"Agreed."
She stands and walks around her desk. "He's with you. Him getting his memories
back won't necessarily change that. But I feel like if he wants help, I need to
help him. Are you suggesting I shouldn't?"
"No."
She meets her eyes. "I'm just super jealous when he does. And...worried." She lets that hang in the air for a bit.
"And you're not rushing in to tell me not to worry."
She
shrugs in the way Raffi has always hated, because it comes with this very tired
look, as if she's saying, "What answer do you want me to give?"
without actually saying it.
"Okay
then. I'm going to go back to the chair."
"'Kay."
She
turns, but then she turns back. "Do you ever think of Elnor?"
She
looks sincerely confused at this turn in the conversation. "Think of him
how? I know he was not on the Excelsior when it exploded if that is what
you mean? I was relieved to hear he was not on that ship."
"Do
you consider him your son?"
"I
think we're all surrogate parents for him. He's like an eager puppy
sometimes."
"Nice
image. And that's not what I asked. Do you consider him a son?"
She
sighs. "No. But I know you do."
"I
kind of thought that—for a while at least—we shared him."
"Yeah,
I can see that."
"That's
not something you see. That's something you feel."
"I
mean I can she how you would think that. Moreover,
why are you picking a fight over this? I had a son. He's dead because, unlike
with yours, an omnipotent being didn't bring him back." She has the
panicked look when she's feeling rage combined with the need to cry.
"You're
right. I'm sorry. I'm just... I feel like everything's falling apart."
Her
eyes are hard as she goes back to her desk and says, "Welcome to my world,
Raff."
##
Seven
is eating a salad in the booth she prefers, one that gives her a little privacy
when the mess isn't crowded. She sees Liam come in and busies herself with
eating. She doesn't want to appear to be luring him over while Raffi is away
for a week of first officer training, but if he comes on his own...
A
moment later, she hears his footsteps coming toward her. "This seat
taken?"
She
looks up and smiles. "No."
"Then
I would like to take it."
She
gestures for him to sit. "Must be weird for you having Raffi off the ship.
You guys eat lunch together a lot."
"Yep."
He spends some time getting his hamburger set the way he likes and she laughs
as he takes the onions off and the pickles.
"I
like the little bit of flavor—"
"But
not the things themselves. Yes, I remember."
"I'm
remembering so much now. Things are coming in by chunks. Not fragments anymore.
One day I go to bed and the next I remember my first weeks on the ship as
captain."
"That's
good. Right?"
He
looks up at her, his eyes serious, no smile.
"Or
is that why Raffi decided to take the training now?"
"She
doesn't love that I run things by you. But you aren't the only one I do it
with. Mura's been here all five years. Ohk, too. If
it's the first three years, I go to them."
"A
logical division of expertise." She spears some lettuce then puts her fork
down. "I can't help that I was a big part of your life for two years. Just
as you were mine. We were a team. It's unfair for her to resent me for
that."
"I
think it's more that every memory back is a step away from her—or that's how
she's choosing to see it." He eats for a while, obviously using that as an
excuse not to talk. Then he looks back up, meets her eyes. "I remember Clahada."
She
almost forgets how to breathe.
"I
remember how fucked up the shuttle was. And I was freaked at the idea of
hanging out with you alone. Your implants bothered me, your intonation bothered
me."
"Everything
about me bothered you."
"Pretty
much, yeah. And then we got to working. And I told you about my mom. And you
told me about your son—and that's who that uniform belongs to on your shelf.
And we just kept working like we'd been doing that for such a long time."
"I
finally felt like I...fit with you. You were so easy
to work with. The way you did things made sense—the order, the efficiency. The
easy way you divvied up tasks. And the way it was no big deal that we were
covering all this emotional ground—our histories—as we put the shuttle back
together. It just seemed natural to share."
"I
agree. It was the first day I didn't resent Janeway for sending you to
me."
"I
wish I'd known that you didn't want me."
"What
would you have done?"
"Refused
the assignment. Made her put me somewhere I was wanted—if such a place
existed."
"I'm
glad you never knew then." He notices her water is empty and gets up and
hurries to fill up the glasses. He knows she likes lots of crushed ice in
hers—or he did know that and then probably forgot it but now apparently
remembers because her glass is full of it.
"Craving
ice is—"
"A
sign of anemia. I know. I'm fine. I just...when I got out of the
collective—"
"It
was the first food you really enjoyed. Only it's not really food."
"Which
we had an argument over."
His
smile is easy, uncomplicated—and so wonderfully familiar. "Find a subject
we can't argue about." His smile fades. "See, there's a problem with
all this. If Raffi walked in right now, she'd be upset. In her place, I might
be too. Because feelings are coming and I'm not the kind of guy who plays
around on his partner."
She
looks down. "If I've—"
"You
haven't done anything wrong. But I do need you to do something for me. A
favor."
"What?"
"Not
yet, but once I get it all back, I may want to go back and visit Agnes."
"The
Jurati Queen. Who tried to assimilate you. You want
to visit her?"
"Yeah."
Why
would he want this? Other than to do what Seven offered when he first started
to remember. Erase his memories—and her—after all?
She
can feel herself shutting down, the good humor fading. "Why?"
"Because
talking to the crew is getting me somewhere on figuring out what kind of
captain I was. Whether if was a life worth
remembering. But I have this guilt and I need help with it that a therapist
can't give but I think Agnes can."
The
only thing Agnes can do is give him release from this. "You're sure?"
He
looks down. "I know, compared to how it felt to be an engineer, I'm far
from the happy guy I was."
She
swallows hard and tries to keep the pain pushed down.
"Hey,
no, you look like you might throw up. Don't. It's—it's just that I need her to
sort of be my guide as I discover this."
"I
can see how that would be attractive. Especially when you care about
Raffi."
He
frowns. "I just want her help. I'm not planning on doing something
drastic." He frowns. "Unless..."
"Unless...?"
"Unless
examining my life shows me what a waste of space I was. Wouldn't you rather
have a happy engineer than a morose guy who remembers everything?"
"You
were many things, Liam Shaw, but you were never a waste of space. Or a waste of
anything."
"You
didn't answer the question part of what I said."
"Well
aware. And no, no I wouldn't. But this has never been my choice." She
starts to get up, reaches for her tray.
He
effortlessly grabs her wrist, the way he has during so many arguments, the way
she has too. They do not allow the other to storm off. "Coming back to
life wasn't mine, Seven. You gave me this life but I get to choose what to do
with it."
"And
how much of it you keep?"
"And
how much of it I keep." He moves his hand so she has to put the tray down,
then tangles his fingers with hers. "Please let me have the freedom to do
this. Please ask her to help."
"I'll
call her now." She pulls her hand away. "I'm afraid I've lost my
appetite."
She
doesn't cry as she walks to the lift, as she rides it to the bridge, as she
shuts the door to her ready room and makes the call.
"Hello,
Seven." Agnes's voice seems particularly soft.
"He
wants your help."
"We
feel his pain. We will help him in any way we can." She stares back,
assessing.
"What?"
"Do
you not wish to place parameters on how we can and cannot help him?"
"Of course I wish to. But I will not."
She
looks so proud of her. "Truly you are the best of us. Let me know when he
needs us and we will be there."
She
doesn't cry when she cuts the call, or when she gets up to go stand staring out
at the controlled chaos that is space dock.
She
thinks she is out of tears for Liam. This is his choice. He will make it and
she will live with it.
Whatever
he decides.