DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters
are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The story contents are the
creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2023 by Djinn. This story
is Rated PG-13.
wanted me, I wanted him.
knew something was wrong before we performed the V'Shal.
I knew and yet I was afraid to ask you what it was. I will be honest, I kept
looking for her, for that white-blonde hair to blind me—and you.
did not appear and I thought we would make it. The ceremony would be a trial to
endure, but it is supposed to be. It is the alternative to the old ways, when
challenges were paid in bloodied bodies rather than bruised egos.
is ironic: Stonn is pure Vulcan, a creature of logic, accepted as I am to work
at Ankeshtan K'Til, and yet
I saw more emotion in his eyes as I left for the engagement ritual than I saw
in your—apparently—fully human eyes the entire time I was on the ship (while you
lied to me, while everyone on that ship who knew lied to me).
thought of Stonn as I made my way back to Vulcan, silently sitting in the
shuttle, running my hands down a dress I had come to despise. Now that the kal-if-fee is over, I will burn it. Finally. I will watch
until nothing remains but the smallest cinders.
could not do it before. I could not risk my mother knowing my plans.
certainly back then, I could not tell my mother that
you and I had parted (but not parted), nor would I tell my father, even if he
would have been kind and sympathetic. Because if my mother had asked him, he
could not have hidden the truth from her—and she would have sensed his sadness
she would have taken it in with a sense of triumph, I would have heard her
superior chastisement, "I told you it would be thus," and I could not
to be honest, I was reeling in confusion and disappointment and pain.
did I not do for you, Spock? How did I not protect you? What allowances was I not
willing to make? I committed the crime of releasing Sybok—for you. I would have
done anything for you.
you did this to me?
cannot even blame Christine. I believe she is honorable. It is you who wished
to have all the pretty things. It is you who are fickle. It is you who allowed
both of us to run in circles trying to save you (how many times?) as you sat
back and pondered, "Her...or her?"
now it is more simple. No more questions about which
of us. No, you have your captain, and while I adored Chris, you have kept this
captain from me. My first glimpse of him was on a view screen. (I saw
Christine, in the background. Did you leave her or did she—as I suspect—leave
you? And does she, like I, still harbor an inconvenient love for you, one that
will not die no matter how much time passes? No matter how much she might want
it to expire? No matter how far she runs to escape you?)
could not see the truth after Angel you captive—after that kiss with Christine.
I closed my eyes to it. I said you could not possibly love her—but I meant
anyone. Anyone but me. But I saw it during the V'Shal,
when she brought you the medicine that would restore your Vulcan half. When you
chose her without choosing. (You are a coward, Spock. So passive. Going along but
rebelling silently and in private. I would respect you more if you had been
honest—or if you had ever asked for an end to our engagement. But you did not.)
chose again without choosing, when just a few hours ago your blood brought you
down here and yet you still looked to your captain with your heart.
just that quickly my plan changed and I chose your lover as my champion.
logic was flawless but it was nothing compared to my hatred, to my desire for
retribution. You humiliated me when I was nothing but open and trusting. I
would destroy the thing you loved most. Or I would destroy you. It mattered
little to me which of these eventualities came to pass.
will forgive me eventually because he loves me. His pride may not ever be soothed,
but love is more than pride.
You have become much known among our
people, Spock. Almost a legend. And as the years went by, I came to know that I
did not want to be the consort of a legend.
more accurately to be a figure of mockery. It is well known that I pursued you
when we were young. Even if I made you wait once I had secured your affection.
I was determined to have you.
my mother's dismay. I am beautiful; even on this planet of beauty, I am
exceptionally lovely. I am logical; even on the planet of logic, I am a model
of Surak's teachings. I am intelligent; even on this
planet of brilliance, I run circles around so many in conversation.
am also angry. But that I hide, for there is no room for anger on this planet.)
never wanted a legend. I wanted you.
I must be honest,. I wanted all the things that came
with you. Your mother, who was so kind to me. Your father, who was strong and a
force to be reckoned with, not someone who would defer in all things to his
wife. Even your brother, who dangerously espoused emotions and your human
"sister," who nearly became Vulcan.
saw in your family the balance I craved. Love and logic.
thought you were the quintessential example of this balance. With you I would
find the passion I desired deep within me. With you I would show logic to the
world and know true love when alone.
saw a future with you. I thought your need to be away, on that ship, was a
we both know, it was not.)
I waited for these things I yearned so strongly for, I became a thing to be
pitied—or mocked. Yes, Spock, I was mocked. Silently but I could see it in
was an object lesson: There goes someone who wanted love over logic. See how
she is fallen.
But by the laws of our people, I could
only divorce you by the kal-if-fee.
risked nothing by doing this. That is what I want you to understand. By the
time you were finally drawn back by the burning, I wore our status of
unfinalized marriage like a yoke around my shoulders.
should have been called back to Vulcan years earlier. You should have been
called back to Vulcan while you were still with her.
would have been a fitting revenge: to take you from the woman who took you even
if only for the extent of the Pon Farr.
it would have been a blameless one: our biology caused it, not our choices.
it did not come when you were with her.
There was also Stonn, who wanted very much
to be my consort, and I wanted him. If your Captain were victor, he would not
want me, and so I would have Stonn. If you were victor
you would free me because I had dared to challenge, and again I would have
Stonn. But if you did not free me, it would be the same. For you would be gone,
and I would have your name and your property, and Stonn would still be there.
matter who ended up the victor and my ostensible "owner," I would be
free. Of you. Of my mother. Of this planet's expectation.
all of it.
I would have a love that did not waver. Even if I would never love him the way
I did you.
if I would never love him at all. I wanted him and that was enough.
preferred him, and that was also enough.
will bear him beautiful children. They could have been yours.
the thing that will haunt me forever is not that I have done these things to
you. But how little—now that it appears your captain survived the challenge—you
though I did not wish to be the consort of a legend, I will still be a
footnote. Spock's wife: see T'Pring.