DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters
are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The story contents are the
creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2023 by Djinn. This story
is Rated PG-13.
I waited. Since
that kiss on the bridge that we both said meant nothing.
"You know me
well," I told both you and T'Pring as you excused my actions.
To T'Pring I lied
I never actually
believed you could have feelings for Nurse Chapel.
not," I said, which could be seen to be agreement that of course I could
never, but what I meant was of course T'Pring would never actually believe it.
Despite it being
I have had feelings
for you since the day I met you. I just did not realize how they would grow.
I know for certain
there's no feelings between us.
And to you, I
said, "I'm glad to hear that."
Because I was
relieved that you believed that. That both of my women believed me incapable of
the feelings that were, in fact, plaguing me.
It is as if the
first time you injected me with your genetic disguise, you changed something
fundamental in me.
I twisted and
turned, and my emotions rose inside me until I stood in a corridor outside a
memorial service and slammed my fist into a panel.
And told you to
leave me alone.
And grabbed your
wrist when you reached for me. I could have broken it.
Except it was you
and I could never hurt you.
I let you hug me,
in full view of whoever might come down that corridor.
I hugged you back.
When I pulled away
finally, I expected you to follow me.
You did not.
I waited. In my
quarters. For you to come. For you to give me yourself.
But you are more
prudent than I. You stayed away.
You have continued
to stay away.
Until I almost
Until I believed I
had lost you.
Until I felt tears
in my eyes, in the center seat of a starship, as I blew another ship out of the
sky—with you on it.
But we found you
and M'Benga in time.
I left the bridge
without giving anyone the conn. I ran through the corridors, nearly collided
with the transporter room doors because they did not open quickly enough.
M'Benga was awake
but you—you appeared dead.
And something in
me would have died with you. You could not die.
Not when I'd
waited for you. I waited to launch the torpedoes to give you time to get out.
I knew you would
It was...a hunch.
It was illogical.
And yet, you survived.
I sit by your
biobed for too long each time I come down here. Leaving the bridge too
frequently, but I hope to be here when you wake.
And at least now I
leave the conn to someone, do not just run off.
I do not think
anyone on the bridge will report me for dereliction but if they do, I will not
I am derelict. I
would be derelict in all things for you.
You are all that
Spock, I'm going to wake her now." M'Benga is so gentle with me, as if I
will break. "Are you sure you want to be here when she wakes?"
"Why would I
not want to be?"
"She may not
stay on the ship. Do you understand what I'm saying? This...rumspringa of yours—how
long will it last?"
I know the
reference and it irritates me. I am not some callow youth intent on carousing.
I am here to offer
support, care—the way you would me if our places were reversed.
And it was you who
told me to unleash my emotions. So I did. And then you
held me and I felt more.
I do not know
where my future lies. I have a fiancee.
But I do not feel
anything for her like I feel for you.
Then again, she
would not wish me to.
Spock, please consider your actions." There is a fierceness underneath his
words and I wonder, not for the first time, what untold story lies between you
I meet his eyes.
"Do you love her?"
anyone but my daughter. But not like you think. I know her and she knows me.
And this is a fundamental truth about her: she loves with everything in her or
not at all. If you can't give everything, you need to go back to the
I do not know how
to answer that. "I feel—"
"I know you
feel strongly for her. I understand that. But can you promise her everything?"
I am not sure I
can promise you anything.
Much less everything.
you brought her back to life. She heard what you said. Let that be enough. So when she goes—if she goes..."
"I do not
want her to go."
emotionally compromised. But I am not going to put you on report. However, if
you stay here when I wake her, I will."
I stare at him and
see the truth—a truth that might have eluded me before, when being untruthful
without lying was not so important. He is hiding something. Something that
happened to both of you. "What did you leave out of your mission reports,
His face changes
and he looks away. "It is immaterial."
I touch your face—all
traces of your injuries are gone.
But I felt it when
you touched me, your hand on my cheek, your emotions pouring into me.
I broke one of your ribs while resuscitating you.
And an energy that
was the residue of—
I whisper and he backs away slightly. "You gave her—"
give her it. She took it. We've done it before and..." He looks away.
"Please go, Spock, so I can wake her."
"I will wait.
So I can ascertain the truth. Perhaps it is you who
will be on report."
He looks betrayed.
"You think I would do that to her against her will?"
alive when we found you. She was not. I will ask her." I take the
hypospray from his hand and hold it against your neck.
He scans you but
he stays far from me. And you slowly come awake and I feel the emotions I
cannot begin to describe when your eyes open and you see me first, your smile
is for me, not him.
Not anyone but me.
But then it fades
and you turn to him and he says, "He won't leave you. And he figured out
we took juice—he thinks I forced you."
And then he turns
and leaves us alone.
I take your hand
and you don't fight me, and I feel so many things from you.
Love is at the
I wish you could
feel what I do. I wish you could tell me what it means.
I wish you could
tell me what to do.
him for that. He and I—during the war. You need to be on the bridge." Your
voice is stark and scratchy and you pull your hand from mine. "I
appreciate your concern."
"Please. I do
not...I do not want to wait any longer."
please go. I can't do this."
you might leave. Why? For how long?"
two months. For two weeks. For a day. Does it matter?"
yes." I waited. And I almost lost you.
Do not make me
wait any longer.
I lean down and
lay my lips against yours, moving slowly so you can turn your head if you want—if
my kiss is unwelcome.
You do not turn
away. You do not deepen the kiss either, but you do not turn away.
I ease back and
stroke your face. "I waited. I will continue to wait—until you are ready.
I will be on the bridge if you need me."
I do not want to
I do it anyway.
On the bridge and
later in my quarters, making the music M'Benga said would calm me—I sit and try
to find some semblance of serenity.
As I wait.