DISCLAIMER: The Star Trek characters
are the property of Paramount Studios, Inc and Viacom. The story contents are
the creation and property of Djinn and are copyright (c) 2024 by Djinn. This
story is Rated R.
The Sacredness of Tears (Part 1)
by Djinn
There
is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They
speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of
overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love. - Washington Irving
Prologue
Janeway
stood with Picard behind the one-way observation screen, feeling a deep sense
of helplessness as Counselor Troi tried to get Seven
to talk. "They should have conferred with us before they used the new tech
on her."
"Yes,
Kathryn, they should have." Picard's voice held a sorrow that told Janeway
just how much esteem he held Seven in.
Janeway
had taken the command test—so had the rest of her people. It was designed to
pull out your deepest regrets, weaknesses, or poor decisions, and let you live
them again in your mind where you could find ways to solve them. Over and over
until you were at peace. It was the Kobayashi Maru test but inverted so you
could win—after you relived the trauma. Generally
people faced two or three traumas but some only had to face one.
But
Seven's Borg interfaces had interfered with the system's ability to go from
uncovering the weakness and reliving to solving the issue. And it hadn't just
found a few—it kept going, pulling more and more out of her while letting her
solve none.
She
had been catatonic when she'd finally been disconnected without risk to her
system. It was a testament to how strong she was that she'd fought her way back
to consciousness. That she could walk and talk, and her higher cognition
abilities were untouched according to every standard test they had.
But
choices lived in the memories and she couldn't make big ones. Even small ones
took a long time as she weighed all the repercussions of choosing this shirt or
that one, this pizza topping or that.
And
Janeway knew that she knew she was compromised. She knew why her hands were
shaking when she reached for a weapon, why she found it impossible to speak
beyond surface level to those who knew her best.
Seven
looked through the screen, looked at them even though the wallpaper
wouldn't be any different on that wall than any other. She was too smart not to
know they were watching her—and had become too feral as a Ranger not to feel
exactly where the "threat" was coming from.
Janeway
looked away, but then jerked her head up when Seven
said, "I am emotionally compromised, Admiral Janeway. Give the Enterprise
to someone else."
"No,"
she said, her tone as sharp as the pain she felt.
Picard
sighed next to her. "Jack's been trying to keep the ship's name change
from me. I've let him since it seems to give him such pleasure to have a gift
for me. It won't be a gift if she's not in the center seat."
"I
concur. Do you agree that your solution isn't working? Troi's
getting nowhere."
He
nodded and was about to call Troi in, but she stopped
him. "I have an idea. It's a terrible one, but I want to try." She
walked to the connecting door to a waiting lounge and motioned Chakotay, Naomi,
Musiker, Sidney LaForge, and Ohk in. "We're
going to go in one at a time, just talk to her about innocuous things. I want
to see if Troi can tell if any of us are breaking
through to where she might want to talk more deeply if we were someplace that
was more private."
Picard
seemed confused. "That doesn't seem like a terrible idea."
"This
isn't the terrible part. Can you call in Troi?"
He
nodded and murmured something in his combadge that
would go to the earbud Troi was wearing.
Troi left the room and came in from the
waiting lounge, her expression defeated. "She's convinced she will not
move past this."
"I
know." She explained what she had in mind. "I'll go first. Can you
read her from here?"
"Yes."
"Everyone
else in the waiting area until you're called." When Picard showed no sign
of leaving, she murmured, "You too, Admiral. Seven deserves as much
privacy as we can give her." She walked behind him, exiting the lounge and
heading down the hall to the interview room, trying to be not Admiral Janeway,
CINC in charge of so many things, but Captain Janeway who had rescued Seven,
had loved her enough to deal with her bullshit as she adapted, had let her take
the man she loved because both Seven and Chakotay deserved to be happy—even if
that hadn't happened.
She
palmed the door open, and Seven looked up. Her smile
was her regular one, but there was exhaustion behind it. She wasn't sleeping on
top of everything else. That alone had forced Janeway to unofficially remove
her from duty by marking her as on sabbatical before Ohk
had to do it officially.
She
sat and took Seven's hands in hers, the warm metallic of the hand implant so
familiar. "What do you say we take the dogs and go away for a while? Just
you and me? Anywhere you want."
"Your
husband might have a problem with that."
"I'd
be willing to bring Chakotay with us if it would cheer you up."
"I
don't need cheering up. My sense of humor is intact—just not terribly active
after that..." She swallowed hard. "Test."
"We
could leave the dogs at home with Chakotay." She grinned.
"Is
he in there watching this?" She nodded to the wall that really did look
completely normal.
"No.
But Troi is."
"Assessing
if you're getting through to me? I'm not going to change my mind. Kathryn, how
many horrible decisions have I made in my life? How many more am I going to
make? I'm saving you a world of regret." She leaned back and with a gentle
smile, said, "Next."
Janeway
sighed.
"How
many of my friends are you going to send in to try to break me down?"
"No
one is here to break you down. But I'll send enough of them in that I'm
satisfied there's not someone out there you'll trust enough to talk this out
with."
"This
isn't about trust. I do trust you. I trust you to find me a position where I
can do theoretical things that won't hurt anyone." She was tearing up and
dashed the tears away angrily. "Fuck these goddamn tears."
But
she hadn't cried with Troi. Maybe that was progress?
Janeway
got up, put her hand on Seven's shoulder for a long moment, then went back to Troi.
"She
loves you, Admiral. But she won't change her mind for you."
"Let's
try the others."
But
as she suspected, it was the same answer. Seven loved all of them to varying
degrees in varying ways. But no one opened up an urge for her to...connect.
"Now
comes the terrible part," she said with a wry grin at Troi
as she hit her combadge. "Janeway to Commodore
Shaw."
"Shaw
here."
"You
doing anything it would hurt people or materiel to leave?"
"No,
ma'am."
"Then
please come to Starfleet Medical. I'll meet you at the entrance."
"Roger
that. Shaw out."
Troi studied her. "I sense you have a
great deal of hope that he is the answer."
"He's
the only one of us who doesn't love her."
"Well..."
"Fine.
He's the only one of us she isn't sure loves her."
"Yes,
that's accurate." Troi smiled gently.
Janeway
left her to go meet Shaw. She read him in as they walked, could see the anger
filling him.
"Nobody
thought it might be a really shitty idea to put her under that thing?"
"As
I said, I would have said no. Have you undergone it?"
"Fuck,
no. I went through how many years of therapy to get functional again? You think
I'm going to put my peace of mind in the hands of a bunch of biotech yahoos? I
refused and since Starfleet is super short of engineers after Frontier Day, I
got promoted anyway."
"She
should have refused too."
"She
wouldn't. She's desperate to belong." He shot her a hard look and she swallowed—visibly.
Damn the man for being so perceptive.
But
also it might be what solved this.
And
it had to be solvable. Seven was exceptional and deserved the ship.
She
stopped at the door to the room, told him to give her five minutes to get in
place in the observation room, and then go in. She was back with Troi when he opened the door and Seven
turned.
"Oh."
Troi said, the word coming out so hopeful it made her
stomach leap. "Relief. She feels overwhelming relief at seeing him."
He
was staring at Seven, not smiling, but not hostile. "Hansen, nice digs.
Not where I expected to find you."
"You
know what happened?"
"I
know. I told them where to shove that fucking test. You should have too."
"Yeah,
I really should have." She dashed more tears away and said, "Fucking
tears all the fucking time. Side effect of knowing how much you suck at being a
person."
"Are
you a crybaby now, Captain Seven?"
"Fuck
you, Commodore Shaw."
"Fuck
you, too." He grinned at her and she rolled her eyes.
Troi moved closer to the screen, nodding.
"She feels safe with him, Admiral. Annoyed, but safe."
He
leaned in and started talking so low, Janeway could no longer hear. She rushed
to enhance the sound, heard only, "Let's get the fuck out here." And
then he was up, holding out his hand, and Seven took
it long enough for him to pull her up, and they walked out of the room.
"Shit."
She hit her combadge. "Janeway to Shaw."
"Shaw
here." He sounded both pissed off and very amused—no doubt at his own
daring. "Hey, Admiral, tell Bey-Bey that the inventory project I was
working on is going to be super late."
"Get
back here. Going off half-cocked..."
"Is
completely my style when I'm this angry. So I suggest
you get out of my way and let me do what I think best for my former first
officer."
Janeway
looked at Troi who made a sort of helpless shrugging
gesture. "Fine, but I expect—"
"Shaw
out."
Troi laughed. "He is a unique
individual."
"Damaged."
"It's
not my place to comment on that."
"But
he is. And sometimes damage calls to damage."
"Yes.
It does."
"Then
I guess we wait and see what happens."
1.
Shaw
reached back and felt Seven take his hand as they walked—or more accurately
trotted—out of Starfleet Command. He didn't let go of her, didn't want her to
stop following him and him to not be aware of it.
"Wait,"
she said when they were almost off campus.
He
stopped and turned.
"I
can't let you do this. You have a position, responsibilities."
"Uh
huh." He smiled gently, probably an expression she had little experience
with when it came to him.
"You're
a commodore now."
"Yeah.
Which means we'll get to cut every transporter line on our way out of
here." Then he frowned. "Do you have a place you want to go?"
He
could practically see the wheels of her brain slowing, getting caught up in the
gunk of whatever the fuck they did to her with that goddamn test. "Belay
that. I have a place I'd like to take you. Okay?"
"Don't
we need stuff?"
"I
can travel light. I bet as a Ranger you did it all the time? We'll just cut out
all reckless and shit—you know old school Seven of Nine style."
She
laughed softly but then her amusement faded. "I'm not that Seven
anymore." She took a step back. "And you shouldn't have to be the one
to do this." Her mood was changing, plummeting, laughter forgotten as her
eyes welled. "I got you killed. I ran though it so many ways and it always
ended with you on the floor." She took another step back and he knew he
was about to lose her.
So he closed the
gap, pulled her into his arms, and kissed her—hoping to fuck that he had not
misread any signals from her during their mission because otherwise he was so
up on charges.
But
she didn't fight him; she melted into him, her lips soft, her mouth opening to
his, her arms around his neck, body pressed against his. He could hear people
passing them, someone said, "Yeah, baby. You go now," and he could
feel her losing it at the same time he did.
He
pulled away, laughing as he brushed her hair back. "Before we go anywhere,
I should probably tell you that I'm in love with you."
Her
smile was huge and surprised and—delighted. "For real? This isn't pity or
guilt over the name or just basic compassion?"
"Really
isn't. And it's okay if you don't love me. I mean you're going through a lot
and I don't want to force my needs on you—" He had to stop talking because
she was kissing him some more.
"You're
an idiot," she said as she eased away. "Take us wherever you
want."
"That's
a decision."
"It's
a no brainer, though. Also I'm leaving the location up
to you."
He
assessed her emotional state—maybe this was just about him being her captain,
someone she could follow and not have to make decisions. Except that she'd
mostly argued with him and she'd had two of her other captains there not
getting through to her. Also he presumed she hadn't
been kissing Janeway or Picard.
He
was going to go on faith that she had actual interest in him and had just
hidden it on account of him being such a giant dick to her. "Okay, hang on
one second." He pulled out his padd and punched in the code for his cousin
Joseph.
"Hey,
cuz." Joseph was sitting in what looked like a
diner. He was eating as he asked, "What's up?"
"Laura
still own that rental cabin on Hood Canal?"
"Yeah.
It's free too since it's off season. No heating though other than the fireplace
and wood stove. Not sure how it's set up for firewood. Plenty of branches to
use. You know how to chop wood?"
"I
do," Seven murmured.
"Heard
that. Ooh, Liam boy, you've got yourself a woman finally. And she's handy. Let
me talk to her."
She
laughed and eased into frame. "Hi."
"Wow.
When he gets interested, he picks a good one. Although, didn't you work for
him?"
Shaw
made the face that had always brought this particular cousin in line when he'd
had to babysit him as a kid.
"Fine,
sorry, none of my business. House is yours till late spring if you want it.
Sending you the info sheet and scan your retinas for the door and the
replicator for me. Once you transport in, if the flitters are locked up, call
my friend Lucas. He'll take you to the house."
"Can
he loan us a flitter of our own so we can explore?"
"There
is very little Lucas can't get his hands on if there's enough profit in
it."
"Nice
to know your class of friend hasn't changed, Joey."
"Fuck
you, Liam. I'm letting you and your lady have the house for free. Laura will
skin me alive if she finds out. South Shore is premium real estate."
"I
know. Thank you." He knew what Joey was braving. Laura was formidable at
any moment—he'd hate to see her pissed.
They
scanned their eyes then signed off, and he held out his hand. "Ever been
to Hood Canal?"
"No."
"Me
neither. At least it won't be the first place they look for us." He
touched his combadge. "Do you think they will
try to find us? If so, we need to ditch these."
"They're
useful though in case of an emergency. We don't want to be reckless and—what if
we need help? What if you're hurt and I don't have a communicator and..."
There was downright panic in her voice.
"Whoa.
We'll keep them. It's okay."
She
was breathing faster than normal, eyes welling. "I feel myself spiraling
down around decisions. Like I want to tell you to ditch them and we can just
go. That would be smart. But not if we need them. Then it's not. Which would I
regret more? But I know that this isn't normal for me to...dither this way. I
know this is stupid." She began to tremble but then there was a stillness
he really didn't like.
She
looked like she was about to disassociate the way he used to after Wolf, so he
pulled her to him and stroked her hair, shaking her very, very gently to
disrupt the path her mind was taking. "I get it. Maybe we can talk about
that. You said you ran through my death so many ways. But Janeway said you
never got to the solution phase."
"I
didn't...tell her—or anyone—everything." She met his eyes. "Except
you. I'll tell you."
"Do
you want to do it now? Or later?" He'd hated having conversations pushed
on him before he was ready when he was spiraling. He wasn't going to do that to
her. But if she needed to do it now, they'd wait to go to the cabin till
morning.
"After
we get there. I don't want to be here."
He
touched her eyebrow implant, for the first time free to run his fingers over
it, to try to figure out how she'd gone from the Borg he'd seen in the logs to
this gorgeous creature. "You realize that's a decision, right? One you
made easily. Also, sparing your friends the pain of knowing it was way worse
than they think—that's a decision too."
"I
hadn't really thought of that. I'm so tired I can't think straight." She
smiled, an exhausted smile. "They know I haven't been sleeping. But what
they don't know is I fall asleep easily but I have nightmares. Over and over of
the scenarios from the test. I wake up terrified. So I
stay awake—with help." She reached into her pocket and pulled out a
packet.
He
knew what it held. Stims. He'd used them too. "Okay. We'll play this by
ear. And I've been there. I understand."
"You're
the only one I feel safe with. I know I'm hurting the others by not trusting
them enough. Raffi especially."
"Are
you two—am I getting in the middle of something?"
She
shook her head.
"That's
it?"
She
nodded.
He
could tell that wasn't it. But exploring it could wait. "Let's get our
asses to the cabin and chop some wood before it gets dark."
"Okay."
They
made their way to the nearest transporter station, and with his rank got to use
the VIP line and beam directly to a town called Belfair. As Joey had predicted,
the flitters were in storage for the winter so he punched in the number for
Lucas and told him their story. "We could really use a flitter we can rent
for the duration rather than just a lift? Is that doable?"
Lucas
laughed. "For a price, anything is doable."
They
did just enough haggling to make it feel good for both
of them, and a few minutes later a flitter landed on the pad in front of where
the rest were stored.
"My
lady," he said, bowing her into the thing and following her in. He gave
the navigation system the address and settled back.
She
was staring out the window and he followed her gaze but saw only trees in the
growing darkness.
"You okay?"
"If
this is too much—if I'm too much—we go back. Okay?"
He
could tell she didn't want an argument or logic or declarations of loyalty or
love. So he just said, "Okay."
She
reached for his hand and he took it, holding lightly, enjoying being close to
her. "Liam, the woman you fell in love with... I may not be her
anymore."
"I
don't believe that. Maybe some of you is lost, but you'll find her. You're too
damned stubborn not to, Hansen."
Her
hand didn't even jump in his at the once hated name. "We don't know
that."
"Well,
okay, so if you don't find her, what then?"
"I
find a place where I can use my brain and not have to make tough choices."
"I'm
pretty sure I'd like that Seven too."
She
laughed softly, almost against her will he could tell. "I've missed you,
Liam. If you love me, why did you stay away?"
"Because
I figured if you wanted me, you'd come find me. Nothing stops you if you're set
on a path. And if you didn't come, then you didn't want me enough. I'm kind of
gone on you. I wanted you to be that way for me too."
She
leaned back and cuddled against him. "I want you to have your Seven. Let's
wait on sex until we know if she's...recoverable."
"Whatever's
most comfortable for you. But for the record, you're not that far off from
her."
"You're
wrong. The book I write will be dull."
"Oh,
fuck me. Did they show that to you?"
She
laughed and nodded, pulling him down to kiss her.
He
decided not to question why sex was off the table if kisses this good were
allowed. He was not a stupid man.
The
flitter settled down on the surface road and eased into a parking space under
some evergreens. The cabin was rustic but it had a big pile of wood under a
tarp.
"Someone
was bored," he said with a laugh. "Or working on their arms."
"Whichever,
we're set for a while." She followed him out of the flitter and then into
the house, smiling. "The replicator looks out of place in a place this
old."
"It
really does." It was big too—the kind of replicator that could create
clothing and other things. "I'm going to order us some warm clothes. It's
freezing in here."
"I'll
get the fires going." She lifted the lid on the wood stove, dug around
with a tool set near it, then replaced the lid and disappeared outside.
He
had credits to spare so he splurged and laid things out into two piles as they
showed up. By the time he got done, she had started both fires.
"Impressive."
"Used
to do it a lot as a Ranger. Not a Borg skill."
Her
expression changed and he could tell she was in the memories of the test, but
he didn't want to break her out this time. He wanted to see if she could break
herself out. She screwed her eyes tighter, seemed to be talking in a language
his universal translator couldn't follow—Borg? Something else from the Delta
Quadrant, but one that Voyager had never run into so it wasn't in
Starfleet's language database?
Her
knuckles were white—or at least the ones on her right hand were. The left were under the implant and it didn't change.
Finally,
she lifted her head and met his eyes. There were tears in hers but she didn't
look like she wanted comfort. Instead, she went to the pile of clothes and
said, "You shouldn't have had to buy anything. Not when you're doing this
for me."
"You
can buy dinner."
She
nodded and went to the replicator, ordering some local seafood offerings, and a
really expensive bottle of white Bordeaux.
He
stopped her before she scanned in to finalize the order. "I don't want you
wasting your credits on fancy wine."
With
a tight laugh, she hit "Check balance" and scanned in. An ungodly sum
showed up.
"Wow,
you really should have bought the clothes."
She
laughed again, this time a real laugh. "I used to do odd jobs—usually
scientific or engineering consulting for probably not terribly reputable
customers but it brought in funds and those were in short supply for the
Rangers. I wanted to make a difference and it was hard to do that if you were
broke. I'd forgotten how much I had. On the ship..."
"Stuff's
basically free—in exchange for our service." Room and board was provided. Morale funds covered a certain number of
recreational beverages and special occasion meals. It was rare for Starfleet
personnel to eat into their own credit line unless they had really expensive
tastes—or a problem with over-recreating.
She
held out her hand and said, "Let's explore the cabin."
There
were two bedrooms and a small bathroom on the main level as well as a kitchen
and breakfast nook and the small living room with the fireplace in the middle
and a wood-stove just before you turned for the kitchen. A door by the bathroom
revealed a nearly vertical staircase that led up to an unfinished attic set up
with a lot of beds. They had to stoop unless they stood in the middle, under
the ridge.
He
grinned. "This would be so fucking fun for kids."
She
pointed to a spider web. "Except for that."
"Forgot
your vibe is industrial not rustic." He winked at her then climbed down
the staircase to the main level. As they stood together, looking out at the
night, waiting for the replicator, he asked, "So you want your own room
or...? I don't want to assume anything."
"I'm
going to disturb you if we share."
"I
didn't ask what was going to happen if you slept with me. I asked if you wanted
to."
"Very
much."
"Then,
okay. I've been there, Seven. Nightmares that made me want to swear off
sleeping for the rest of my life. I kept my parents awake. I guess this is me
paying that forward."
She
walked to him and hugged him tightly. "Thank you."
He
pulled her in closer. "You never have to thank me. Even if I wasn't head
over heels for you, you're one of my crew. And that means something for, well,
ever."
The
replicator pinged and they decided to eat on the front porch, which had a
glider on one side and chairs on the other. Stairs led down to the yard and
then the beach and dock beyond. The soft swish of the water serenaded them as
they rocked gently back and forth on the glider.
"It's
so peaceful," she said as she sipped the wine.
"I
can't wait to see what it looks like in daylight, when we can actually see
it."
##
Seven
lay shivering in the bed next to Liam, trying to get warm by will alone. They
had all their clothes on and still it was freezing.
"Fuck
this," he finally said and climbed out of bed, urging her out too and then
he slid the mattress off the bed, tipped it up while she captured the loose bed
linens, and dragged it out in front of the now banked fireplace. "Get that
thing stoked back up and I'll make us a fort."
"A
fort?"
He
turned to look at her. "Shit. You've never had a sleepover, have
you?"
"I've
slept over."
"Not
a sexy one. A fun one."
"Sexy
ones can be fun."
He
conceded that with a laugh. "Work with me. As a kid. You weren't with
other kids for long and the rest of the time you were just with your parents,
right?"
"They
would pretend me sleeping on the couch when they had to commandeer my room to
stash supplies in was a sleepover."
"Your
parents truly sucked."
She
looked down. "Yeah."
He
walked over and pulled her in for a hug. "We'll have a sleepover now. And
be warm. Okay?" His lips on her forehead felt so good, his arms around her
made her feel safe.
"If
I had met you years ago..." She imagined how Icheb
would have reacted, how at first he might not have
liked him. But he'd grow to. If she had, he would too.
"I
wish we had." He tipped her chin up and kissed her very gently. "But
that wasn't our time. If I learned anything in therapy, I learned that if you
didn't live it, it wasn't yours to regret not having."
She
met his eyes. "And that's why you wouldn't do this test. It's all about
living times that aren't yours."
He
nodded. "Maybe if you haven't done the work, it's a good tool for
uncovering problem areas. But I have done the work so fuck them and their
stupid test."
"What
if they make it mandatory?"
"Then
I'll retire and go to one of the many companies that have reached out since I
came back. I have options. So, for the record, do you. Some of these same
companies were feeling me out about whether you might be interested when you
got done with this mission."
"Really?
You're not just saying that to be sweet?"
"In
the time you have known me, have I ever lied to be sweet?"
She
laughed. "No."
"Asked
and answered." He eased her out of the way as he pulled the cushions off
the couch and set them up between the couch and the mattress. "For when we
want to sit up. The best pillow forts have covers but I don't want to block the
heat."
She
got the fire going and put more wood in the stove while he settled the covers
back on the mattress. "This feels so good," she said as she pulled
off her top layers and got under the covers with him.
The
crackle of the fire was soothing and she knew the safety screen would keep
sparks from flying at them without blocking any heat.
"Could
you tell me what's going on with you and Raffi? I'd really like to temper my
expectations if you and she are just in an off again phase."
"No,
we're done."
"But
she's your first officer. How's that working out?"
"Good,
actually." She sighed. "Or it was until... It's speculation at this
point."
"About
what?" He pulled off his sweater and then eased her in to cuddle.
"I
think she was involved with the test. She was pretty gung ho
that I take it—more than just excitement that she'd had a good experience with
it. She used to get frustrated with me, with my unwillingness to examine my
life, my regrets—my fuck ups." She moved so she could see his face.
"When I left her the last time was when she went
back to intel. She was on Earth though and we were still trying to find a way
to make it work. I'd stop in, we'd go out, try to talk about things that
mattered and fail. Until one day she was gone, and I guess that's when she
started working with Worf on the project we know
about."
"Do
you want her to be a bad guy in this?"
"No.
I don't want my first officer to have built a tool that would help her force
out of me what I wouldn't give willingly." She
realized she was crying and said, "God damn it. These fucking tears won't
stop."
"It's
okay. I'm not judging. Believe me. I know how close they can be when you're on
the edge."
"It's
just...she can force things. Manipulate if she can't get things
voluntarily."
"We
all do that to some extent."
"Right,
but she's got it down to an art. I think it has to do with being an addic—" She looked away.
"Ohhhhh. Shit. I didn't know."
"Fuck.
I did not mean to share that. It's really not mine to share."
"Yeah but living with an addict affects the non-addict too. I
saw that with my aunt and uncle."
"She
got sober. But she never stopped pushing. And I was the very worst person for
that because you know how stubborn I can be."
"Uh
huh. You make a mule look malleable."
She
laughed. "She and I are done, Liam." She moved even further back,
studied him, then reached out and touched his beard the way she'd always wanted
to, tracing the outline of it, watching as he sighed and closed his eyes at her
touch. "She asked me if something was going on between us after she and Worf gave that presentation. You had your hand on the back
of my chair."
"Yeah,
I did. No one was taking you for their team. Not your ex. Not Picard. You were
with me." He looked a little sheepish. "But I didn't exactly clear
that with you."
"You
didn't have to. Dysfunctional as we were, we were a command team."
He
nodded. "Are you going to talk to her about the test?"
"I
don't know. Maybe I just won't go back." She could feel the tears again
and didn't try to stop them this time. "Maybe I'll let Starfleet take back
the ship they probably never wanted me on much less the captain of."
"No."
"Why
not? Because you don't want to hang out with me here forever?"
"Well,
we've only got it till late spring. Unless we want to rent the house for the
entire high season and given your credit balance, we could." He grinned.
"Seven, I'm in this. I just walked out on B'Elanna
fucking Torres, who I idolize and love and am just a little bit terrified of.
Without a second thought. Because it was you. I will always choose you."
His eyes narrowed. "And you chose me. There were others trying to help
you, right?"
She
nodded. "People I love but not enough or not in the right way to talk to
about this." She sighed.
"You're
tired of talking about this." He grinned at her. "Let's sleep. I'm
here for you if you need me. If you have a nightmare."
She
nodded and curled into him like she was a cat and he was her only source of
comfort. Sleep claimed her quickly, and the nightmares were right behind it.
But then she heard his voice saying everything was all right, that he had her.
Felt the touch of his lips on her forehead, the slightly calloused sensation of
his fingers on her cheeks.
And
she let go and fell right back to sleep. And slept till morning.
##
Shaw
woke and saw Seven sitting in the easy chair by the window with her legs pulled
up, staring out at the water. "Good morning."
She
turned with a sweet smile. "There's coffee staying warm in the replicator.
Your favorite blend."
He
got up and walked to the glass door that led to the porch expecting to see
water. But it was low tide and everything was rock and then mud. It was cloudy
and the mountains he was sure were on the other side of the water weren't out.
He used the bathroom and then retrieved his mug from the replicator. "You
hungry?"
"I
am." She was staring out again.
"Preference?"
"Surprise
me." Then she turned and grinned. "I could choose. I just don't want
to. I want to see what you get me."
He
found himself grinning back like a fool. This woman... Turning back to the
replicator he ordered scrambled eggs, hash browns, and bacon—and then added
buttered rye toast with strawberry jam.
The
replicator was not fast. But it had done a good job on both their clothes and
the food and wine last night so he wasn't going to complain.
He
heard her coming up behind him, then she put her mug down on the table under
the replicator and hugged him tightly from behind. "Good morning to
me," he said as he held on to her arms.
"Table?"
"Table."
She
took his mug with her as she went to sit at the breakfast nook. "I want to
explore the beach after breakfast. Walk out to that hook thing."
"It's
called a sand spit. No idea about the spit part. Pretty sure there's no actual
sand on the beach either. My cousin used to bitch about the barnacles on the
rocks. Sliced him up the first time he was here when he thought he'd just run
into the water barefoot. They arrived here at high tide so he thought it was a
sand beach." He shook his head, imagining Joey running like a madman until
the pain kicked in, which for him was probably a bit longer than for others. He
was kind of a lunkhead.
She
laughed softly. "The mud is so dark."
"And
sticky. We do not want to try to walk in it."
"Good
to know."
The
replicator chimed and he pulled out the plates and carried them over to the
table and sat next to her. "Your score for our breakfast?"
She
looked it over as if she was a judge at a fancy food thing. "It's
perfect." Then she bit into her bacon while he spread jam on his toast.
"Do you understand what the test is supposed to do?"
He
took a bite of toast and sighed happily. He loved rye so much more for toast
than white or wheat. "The way they tried to sell it to me was it would
hone in on a couple of things that haunt you—bad decisions or choices—and help
you do them over until you make it come out the way you want." He met her
eyes. "Which is so not life. What good is that? I mean I guess if it took
you a hundred tries to get to a good solution, you'd know you didn't just miss
the obvious better choice. Only I think it limits the number of tries,
right?"
"It's
supposed to. For me..." She busied herself with the jam, as her breath
came out ragged.
"This
can wait until we're done eating."
"I'm
not going to go into the decisions themselves right now. But I want to make
sure we're on the same page as to what this thing is supposed to be and what I
got. So when I am ready to talk about the regrets, we
don't have to spend time on background."
"Reasonable."
"My
scenarios never stopped. And...I never got the happy
ending. It just kept replaying the scenario as if nothing I did differently
would matter. Even things I knew would work, the test wouldn't let me have.
It's supposed to determine when you've reached a resolution that leaves you at
peace by physiological signs: hormones and neurotransmitters, pulse and
respiration." She looked at him as she sipped her coffee. "For me, it
was only when I was almost almost torn apart and had
disassociated that it went on to the next scenario. And not two or three, as
they said. So many more. My life is apparently a series of regrets and bad
choices."
He
reached over and laid his hand on hers. "I'm so sorry."
She
nodded.
"They
couldn't tell you were having a hard time?"
"So they said. I found out later the tech running it lost a
friend during Frontier Day. It's possible..." She shrugged. "I don't know
if I was ignored or if the signs were masked. And once they realized, they
tried to get me unhooked safely but it wasn't that simple. I was whimpering,
Liam. When they got me free. Crying too. And that I haven't stopped—these
goddamned tears..." She wiped her eyes.
"So it's just decisions you made? Anything you did as a drone
didn't count?"
"Even
I know I lacked agency. But there was one, when I was a child."
"Oh,
shit. When you were assimilated?"
"Yeah.
Reliving that moment, over and over, trying to find new places to hide and
hoping they wouldn't find me. That was the last one, the one they pulled me out
from. I had no control over that. Why would I have to see that?"
"I
don't know. But maybe you do think you hold some responsibility. I don't think
you do, for the record. But maybe something happened before you were
assimilated that made you think that."
"I
was tired of the Borg and being alone and being on that tiny ship. I wanted to
have a break. There were so many worlds to visit, worlds with sunshine and
animals and other kids. But my parents wouldn't go because they were afraid they'd never find another Borg ship to study the way
they could the ones they'd found where we were. I told them I wanted to go home
to the Alpha Quadrant. To send me home. Of course they
couldn't, but my last wish was to never see them again. And then..."
"You
never did?"
"Not
as humans." She went back to eating. "Not as my parents."
"You
didn't cause anything, Seven. You were just a kid. They were supposed to keep
you safe. That's the number one job of parents. And they failed."
"They
didn't even try, Liam. They were so reckless and I—" She stopped, staring
past him, out the window and then met his eyes. "Reckless. I fucking got
it from them."
"No."
"Yes.
It's in my genes. I'm going to make shitty decisions just like they did."
"No."
He put as much of his belief in her as he could into his voice. "They were
putting you at risk because they were selfish. They wanted you with them while
they went and did the idiotically dangerous thing. But when you're reckless, Seven,
it's to help people. Or in the case of Bjayzl to
avenge someone. But you're not like them. You'd never put innocents in harm's
way and not care. You always care."
"But
you said I was reckless."
"And
you are. But there are varying degrees of that. And varying motivations for
being that way. I may believe you rushed in where angels feared to tread some
of the time, but you did it with your eyes open. And usually
a back-up plan I never expected you to have. So...no.
You're not like them." He took her hand. "And for the record, it
takes cold fucking hearts to leave a child in a shuttle while they beamed to
the Borg. Your heart isn't cold. It's so fucking warm. So soft—or you wouldn't
be here needing to talk this out. You'd be fine with your choices."
She
was listening to him, and she wasn't crying. She was taking it in, nodding.
"I didn't cause that. They wouldn't still be alive if I had never been
born." She took a ragged breath. "That was my last solution. Never
having been born. But like all my other solutions, the test wouldn't let me use
it. That's where I was emotionally when they yanked me out." She swallowed
hard. "We're on the same page about the test, right? We can move on to
other things?"
"We
can." He went back to eating as if his heart wasn't breaking for her. As
if he didn't want to walk into wherever this fucking stupid test was being
administered and take it apart in a way that they'd never be able to put the
system back together. "But one more thing. You need to talk to Raffi. You
need to find out if she was part of this."
"I
know." She took a long swallow of coffee. "The breakfast really is
good."
"It's
the company," he said, trying to muster up good humor for her and failing
as he thought of her forced back to being that poor little kid who was
assimilated worlds away from Earth. Trying to find a solution for a problem she
had never caused.
"It's
all right, Liam." She was looking at his left hand.
It
was trembling violently. "No, it's fucking not. I am so mad at them."
"I
know. Me too."
2.
Seven
listened to the seagulls crying overhead as she walked with Liam on the beach to
the spit. She'd expected the rocks to be slippery but they weren't. When they
finally made it out to the spit, they discovered he'd been right: there was
very little actual sand. "This is covered up when the tide is high,
right?"
"I
think so." He sat down and pointed to the other side of the canal.
"Hey, the mountains are finally out."
Cloud
cover had been hiding them, but now they were out and they were gorgeous. Snow capped some of them.
She
continued studying the area around the spit. "There aren't any
flags." She could see he wasn't following and sat down next to him.
"If the spit gets covered up, is it deep enough not to ground a
boat?"
"I
don't know."
"I
wonder how many visitors ran aground before there were nav apps."
"Probably
a lot. But not the locals." He turned to scan the beach they'd just
traversed. "There's smoke from one of the houses. Maybe a local."
"It
would be strange to live surrounded by empty houses for part of the year, then
be overrun by tourists for the rest."
"And
summer people. That's what Laura calls them. A lot of them have owned the
houses for decades but only use them for a short part of the year."
"Summer
people." She smiled at the name. "If I lived here and my neighbors
were summer people but friends, then summer wouldn't start until they came
back."
He
was looking at her like she'd grown two heads.
"What?
I can get thoughtful some of the time."
"No—I
know. I just... I love that idea. That a season could be marked by arrivals of
special people, not just the warmer weather and longer days."
"People
are important."
"Heartily
agree."
She
realized he hadn't touched her during the walk and thought it might be that he
didn't want to force it—especially when she hadn't said she loved him back.
She
knew she was vulnerable and he was helping her, generous beyond belief in how
much he was willing to do. She needed to wait until she was in the frame of
mind that could say that and have it mean something good for them—for the
future.
But
for now, she reached over and took his hand, squeezing gently. "When I was
stuck in the test, I spent a lot of time on you."
He
looked over at her.
"Not
just your death. But how I handled Picard and Riker when they first showed up.
And how I handled the name thing. The anger I showed—the unwillingness to hear
your side."
"I
called you a name you didn't want to be called. My side sucked."
"But
you made interesting points. After reliving the assimilation—the sheer terror I
felt at that moment—why do I want to be called Seven of Nine? It's not
something I fully understand."
"I
have a thought." He took a deep breath. "You said you didn't have to
examine any of your memories of being Borg. Because you know you lacked agency.
But..." He laughed, a short puff of air. "I can't believe I'm going
to suggest this, but I keep hearing that the test attempts to help you be at
peace with what happened. Maybe, when you were a Borg, you were at peace. I'm
not saying it was the best version of you, but maybe it was the most
content."
"I
never had to wonder if I fit in, if I was welcome. What my contribution was. I
barely had to make choices. It was an easy way to live. And the Queen..."
He
watched her, his expression supportive.
"She
must have felt how angry I was at my parents. How lonely I was. How lost. She
was with me in my mind while I was in the maturation chamber more than she
wasn't. Her voice..." She realized she was crying but didn't try to wipe
the tears away. "Her voice was so sweet to me once I was part of the
collective. I felt..."
"Safe."
"Yes."
"So
that name is you holding on to that safety. Not the 'I was kidnapped, changed
against my will, and turned into a mass murderer' aspect."
She
elbowed him in the side, but not very hard. "Dick."
"Sorry,
couldn't resist."
"You're
not wrong, though. Safety." She leaned against him. "It's why I'm
here with you. You make me feel safe. Even when you're pissing me off."
"Have
I pissed you off yet?"
"No,
but it's only the first full day. Give it time."
He
laughed and put his arm around her and they sat for a long time, then she rose and
held her hand out to help him up and they walked back to the cabin.
"I'm
going to call Raffi."
"Good
idea. I'm going to grab an extra blanket, stretch out on the lawn, and read. So you'll have all the privacy inside that you need."
She
pulled him to her and kissed him gently. "For a dick, you're super
thoughtful."
"I
am a constant riddle." His grin was adorable. "But you'd get bored
with anything else."
"That
is probably true."
They
went in together and then he grabbed the blanket, ordered more coffee, and went
out with a mug and his padd. She watched him as he carefully spread the blanket
out, then got up and moved it when he didn't like the spot. She'd seen him do
the same thing with an engineering panel—not content with "it'll do"
when it could be better.
She
forced herself to stop watching him and took her padd out, inputting the code
for Raffi, who answered immediately. "Hang on. I'm going to the ready
room."
"Observation."
"Stupid
name for a ready room."
"Agreed
but that's how it's labeled on the ship schematics so..."
"Whatever.
Esmar, you have the conn."
Seven
could tell Raffi was walking by the way the screen was moving. Heard the hiss
of the doors closing. "Where's Mura?"
"His
wife was at a conference at Starbase Seven and she
brought their son. He wanted to join them. Easy yes."
Seven
smiled, but that smile faded as she began to run scenarios in her head for all
the times they'd need Mura in that seat. But it was his
family. He needed to see them. But what if...? "Aarggh."
She looked for something to break then remembered she was in someone else's
house. "God damn that test."
And
as she said it, she saw something change in Raffi's expression. "There.
What is that look? Every time I mention the test now, you get it."
She
shrugged, not answering. A tell if you knew her. If Raffi really was innocent
of something, she just said so.
"Before
you joined Worf, what were you working on?"
"Nope.
That's classified."
"How
convenient." She stared at her. "You're good with code, Raff."
"You
actually think I had something to do with what happened to you?"
"Did
you?" When Raffi's lips tightened. "God damn it, Raff. Did you work
on it?"
"Yes.
I consulted on some parts. But it was the security parts—information
partitioning, firewalls, that kind of thing—not the actual test part. I just
tried to hack the system until they fixed every way in
I found." She touched the screen. "I didn't do this to you. Is that
why you chose him to trust instead of me?"
"No.
But I could tell you were keeping that from me. And you wanted me to take the
test. So did Ohk."
"She
has no baseline to determine fitness for duty."
"She
has the time I was first officer. Wait, did you nudge her?" By nudge, she
meant manipulated, but that was a word guaranteed to start a fight and maybe
earn a hang up.
Raffi
didn't look away. "You haven't been all right since Shaw died. I thought
when we stuck him in cryo just in case Ohk could revive him and it worked, that you'd be okay, but
you're not. So sue me for wanting you to be okay. I
had no idea what the test would be like for you. I was fine when I took it.
More than fine—it really helped me. Ohk took it
too."
"So you were just going to fix me because you didn't like how
I was." She began to pace, hoping she was making Raffi dizzy. "The
only thing wrong with me was that I wasn't doing what you wanted. Acting how
you wanted. Loving you how you wanted." She stopped and stared out the
window at Liam. "You want me to trust you, but you can't stop
pushing."
"Okay,
I get why you don't want to trust me, but what about the others who were there yesterday?
They were less trustworthy than your dick of a former captain?"
"I
looked at their faces—including Picard's—and I saw guilt. I saw all the times
they weren't there."
"Shaw
wasn't there with us. He was a Hail Mary play by Janeway."
"Yeah,
well, she's an excellent quarterback. It was the right play."
"Does
he know you called me?"
"He
told me to call you. I'm not sure I would have just yet."
Raffi
stared at her, hurt clear in her face. "Don't you see what you're doing?
You can't make a decision so you go back to him, the man who never gave an
order you didn't want to buck. And you've become the perfect little
subordinate. I'm sure there's comfort in that given how the test hurt you. I'm
sure it's nice to just say "yes, sir," and "no, sir." But
it's not the answer."
"That's
not why I left with him, Raffi."
"What?
Because you love him? Well, poor him because you used to love me too."
"I
trust him. I feel safe with him." And the opposite hung in between them:
that she hadn't trusted Raffi. That she didn't make her feel safe.
"Well,
that's great, hon'. You two enjoy yourselves. Did you need something work
related or can I go?"
"You
can go."
"Bye."
The connection went dead.
Seven
let out a huge sigh, then walked out to where Liam was lying on his stomach.
He
looked up at her and said, "Uh oh."
"Yeah."
He
patted the blanket and said, "Want to talk about it?"
"No."
She lay down next to him though and could not bite
back a huge yawn.
"Take
a nap." He leaned over and kissed her cheek. "I'll be right
here."
She
rolled to her stomach, used her folded arms as a headrest, and quickly fell
asleep.
##
Shaw
was nudging Seven out of a nightmare when his padd chirped with B'Elanna's signature ring.
Fuck.
Where
in hell are you?
Somewhere
nice
Get
back here
Nope
Do
you like being a commodore?
Jury's
still out
At
least tell me she's all right
She's
all right, Admiral Janeway. Nice try commandeering my boss's padd
What
gave me away?
Rule
number 1: never reveal your opponent's tells. Shaw out
He'd
known it wasn't B'Elanna from the first
sentence—she'd have told him to get back first: where he was would be
immaterial.
He
realized Seven was watching him, her expression concerned.
"Are
you in trouble because of me?"
"I've
been in trouble because of you for some time now." He reached out and
tousled her hair. "Good nap?"
"Yeah."
She rolled to her back and stared up. "Is approving leave an easy yes?"
He
was not following the conversational turn so he waited for her to realize that.
She
did, as quickly as she'd ever done when they'd sat next to each other.
"Sorry, I left a part out. When I was talking to Raffi, she gave the conn
to Esmar. She gave Mura leave to go visit his family
who are nearby—or closer than Bajor anyway. But when
I tried to figure out if I agreed with that decision, I just spiraled. Is
granting leave an easy choice?"
"Not
always."
"Is
it now?"
"Run
out your logic for me."
She
shook her head.
"Why
not?"
"Because
it's stupid. It's a stupid decision and it is an easy yes and I can't get
there."
"It's
not an easy yes, not if you've been mired in your decisions. And can I point
out you've been making easy yes decisions for two days now?"
She
turned her head and met his eyes, a question in her expression.
"You
spared your friends knowing how bad this really was. You chose to go with me.
You—"
"Raffi
thinks I chose to go with you because I never followed your orders and now I
can because it's easier than having to make my own decisions."
"You
followed my orders all the time, Hansen." He waited to see if he'd get her
spirit up a little with the name and wasn't disappointed. "If you hadn't,
you'd have been off my ship so fast it would have made your head spin."
"But
I'm reckless."
"And
I'm the opposite of that. And together we're the happy middle. It's why I
fucking picked you, Borg baggage be damned." He
leaned in. "How many times did I put you on report for your
recklessness?"
"Zero?"
"That's
right. I didn't even report you to Ro after you fucking betrayed me."
She
rolled to her side and reached out to touch his face. "You didn't. Okay,
go on with your list of easy yes choices I made." Her smile was so fucking
gorgeous, and he wanted to kiss her so badly, but she needed to be reminded she
was okay more than she needed a make-out session with him.
"Last
night, you made a fire without worrying about the chimney catching on fire, or
rats living in the wood stove."
"I
may just be stupid." But she was laughing and he grinned.
"We
both know you're not that. Also, you chose an excellent dinner and wine
combination without asking me—who is a little bitch about wine—which one to
get."
"Well,
you like white Bordeaux."
"But
I'm a Malbec man."
"Which
would not go with seafood. Eww." Then she
laughed. "Okay, I'm starting to see your point."
He
shifted so he was closer to her, on his side too. "How much time did T'Veen take during the test?"
She
looked away. "A lot."
"How
many times did Mura get killed when you tried to course-correct?"
"Quite
a few of them. Or it was Esmar or LaForge." She
touched his face. "Or you. It was you a lot of the time."
"Was
it you some of the time too?"
"No."
She frowned. "That's weird. And that's what I mean about the test not
giving me the right responses. There were times I got between Vadic and T'Veen, but the
disruptor passed through me like I was a ghost." She went very still as he
got a chill.
"Fuck.
You were a ghost. It was running off your pain, but the interface with your
Borg bits must have derailed the ability to place you in the scenario
correctly. It could never resolve because you weren't there the way it
expected, but it was still able to feed off your regrets. It only stopped when
you were disassociating."
"When
my system 'froze.'"
"Jesus
Christ." He felt himself starting to tremble at the endless loop she might
have been in.
She
moved into his arms, and he wrapped her up in a tighter embrace than he would
normally use. But she was so strong and she was holding on to him just as
firmly.
He
whispered in her ear, "Leaving aside how many times you may have watched
Matthew die in the test, leave isn't an easy yes. I mean sure when you're in
space dock it's not a stumper, but normally, you have to assess coverage and
expected needs from what you know of upcoming missions. How much the person has
going on—are they in the middle of cross training a newbie who will be left
with nothing to do and if so, how do you make sure that person is usefully
occupied during the time. Remember last year at the winter holidays. Jesus,
that was a pain."
"I
forgot about that. It really was." She went very still so he didn't break the
silence, just lost himself in how good it felt to lie like this with her.
"Going back to the ghost. There's nothing wrong with my decisions if the
system wouldn't let me win."
"Exactly.
Or there may be, but that's not the way to find out." He felt her easing
away and let go. "So you've mentioned your
assimilation, T'Veen, my death. What else did it
focus on?" He was sure he knew: Icheb.
And
when she met his eyes and shook her head, he knew he was right. "I don't
want to think about it anymore. Can we go out? There's a tavern in town. They
often have the best burgers."
"Yes,
they do." He got up and held out his hand to her.
She
took it and didn't let go as she led him up the stairs to the front door, as
she went to the replicator and ordered antitox and a few extra knives.
"I'm not sure how the locals feel about ex Borgs."
"Or
dipshits from Chicago."
Her
laugh was the most untroubled he'd heard from her since he rescued her.
"So much worse than a Borg."
##
Seven
needn't have worried about the reception they'd get. The bar wasn't very full
on a week night and those in there seemed to be of the "I'm minding my own
business; you do the same" school.
"Take
a seat," the woman tending bar said. "I'll be right over." Her
smile was open and sweet and very much an overture.
Seven
smiled back but in a way that said she was with someone.
Liam
seemed oblivious, was too busy checking out the photos on the wall that seemed
to chart the history of the place.
As
he strolled down memory lane, she quickly assessed the room and chose a bar
table in the back corner; she took the seat facing the door and he laughed.
"What?"
"You
can take the woman out of the Rangers... Let me guess, you can just slip off
your stool if trouble comes, whereas a booth requires some time-eating sliding
and standing?"
"Shut
up."
"When
that's your only retort, I know I'm right."
"Fuck
you, Shaw." She knew her smile was goofily big.
"Yeah,
right back at you."
The
bartender walked over, handing them menus and getting their drink orders. Then
she leaned in to Seven and said, "I'd kill to have you look at me the way
he looks at you." Then she grinned and said, "I'll get your
drinks."
Liam
wasn't looking at the menu; he was studying her, but his expression was weird.
"You okay?"
"Is
she your type?"
"She's
pretty, seems fun, and wants me. Yeah, there was a time that would have been my
type." She expected him to laugh but he picked up his menu and exhaled
raggedly. "Liam, what's going on?"
"You
know I'd help you even without the romantic shit, right?"
"Romantic
shit? Way to strip any actual romance out of this."
He
still didn't smile. "I'm not kidding. I'd help you no matter what. So if you think you need to string me along so I won't leave
you, you don't."
"String
you along?"
He
put down the menu and met her eyes and his were some weird mixture
of angry and hurt. "It didn't escape my attention that the waitress didn't
comment on how hot the way you look at me is. You haven't said you love me. You
don't want to sleep with me. And..." He shook his head.
"And
what?" She kept her voice as gentle as she could.
"And
you didn't come see me. Not fucking once. After I was discharged from sickbay,
I mean. Obviously you came to see me there. But what
the fuck? Were you ever going to? Because I think the answer to that is a big
fat no. And it wasn't you who called me into this, it was your pal
Janeway." He looked away and she realized he was tearing up. "I just
don't want to come out at the end of this with a whole lot of expectations that
are going to get trampled. So just tell me you need my help as your former
captain, and I'll adjust those expectations."
"Reluctantly,
I hope?"
"Fuck
you, Hansen." And for the first time she heard the name the way he used to
say it: full of hurt and anger and resentment. Only this time she understood
why he might feel that way.
She
slid off her stool and walked around to him, moved his stool to face her and
saw him smile the way he always did when she used her Borg strength, and leaned
into him while putting her hands on the back of his stool, effectively trapping
him. "You are my captain. The captain I needed. I can't change that. And I
wanted to come see you. But you never called after you were discharged, and I'd
betrayed you and gotten you killed. It was easier to stay away, especially as I
was trying to reset my relationship with Raffi from one of exes who barely
spoke to an effective command team."
He
wasn't looking away, seemed mesmerized by how close she was.
"Also,
I'm going to be on the ship and you'll be here. That alone might make you not
want anything with me."
"I'd
want you even if I could only see you in person once a decade, Seven. As long
as we could talk. Don't get me wrong—I'm not a monk. I love sex and I want to
have some with you so fucking badly. But that's not why I'd jump after this
long being on my own." He brushed back her hair. "It's because I love
being with you. I love how quick your mind works. I love how kind you are but
how that doesn't stop you from turning my shit right back around on me. But
that's a lot to put on you if maybe you don't feel that."
She
pulled his arms around her, would have straddled him if she wasn't afraid the
stool would tip over. "I love you, Liam Shaw."
"You
don't have to—"
She
put her hand over his mouth. "I'm talking."
"Sorry,"
he said as soon as she let go.
"I
love you, and now that I know I was a ghost in that goddamned test—that no
matter what I did it was not going to ever let me win because I didn't exist as
a participant, just a generator of source material—I feel differently about
waiting."
"You
don't have to say that, Hansen. God fucking damn it, this feels like a pity
fu—"
She
shut him up by kissing him, and this wasn't like the kisses before, which had
been about comfort and support and affection. She made this the best kiss she
could give him and his moan told her she was hitting the mark.
When
they finally pulled away from each other, she put her hands on either side of
his face and said, "Are you going to continue being stupid about
this?"
"No,
ma'am." He started to laugh. "But can I have another of those?"
She
nodded and he started to pull her in, but then she heard a low cough.
"Don't
mind me, you two. Just tell me what you want to eat and I'll let you get on
with that."
"Order
for me," he told Seven with a grin.
"Two
bacon cheeseburgers and sweet potato fries."
"You
got it. Oh and..." The bartender leaned in. "If you ever need a
third...?"
"Duly
noted." She grinned at the woman in the way that meant she loved what was
being offered but it would be a cold day in hell before she took it.
"Had
to try." She looked at Liam. "You're a lucky man. She's so hot."
With a grin, she walked back to the kitchen.
"So see. She does like the way I look at you."
"Well,
she didn't technically say that. She could have just liked how you kissed me.
Which could transfer to her."
"Shut
up and kiss me."
He
pulled her back in, murmuring, "Good food order, by the way. See you can
make decisions," before capturing her in a very long, very sensual kiss.
She
had to stop herself from grinding against him. This wasn't the swankiest place,
but it also didn't seem to be the kind where you wanted to stand out for being
the couple who couldn't keep their hands off each other. "I'm going to go
back to my stool now."
"Okay."
His smile was lovely and seemed at peace.
"You
believe me, right? Have I ever seemed the kind to play you?"
"No,
you're usually forthright."
"Remember
that the next time you worry."
"In
my defense, I wasn't wrong about why I was worried."
She
kissed his cheek. "Just like my poor decisions, those things are in the
past. I do love you, I do want to fuck you, I wanted to come visit you after
you were discharged but was afraid you'd reject me,
and that bartender would give a lot to see me look at her the way I'm looking
at you right now."
His
grin was the crooked one she loved, the one that he often held back but now
couldn't seem to. "You can say some pretty nifty things when you feel like
it."
"Remember
that, Commodore Dickhead." She went back to her stool and sipped her
bourbon, and when he slid his hand toward her on the table, she took it.
"When we get back to the cabin, I don't want to talk about the memories. I
just want to be close to you. But can we take a ride before we go home, let
dinner settle, skim the water at night?"
"We
can do anything you want to do." His look was so indulgent she felt warm
and safe and protected. By the man, not just her former captain.
When
the burgers arrived, they were scrumptious. They decided to forgo dessert so
they weren't too full for later. She followed him to their flitter, holding his
hand when he reached out for it, yawning as they settled into their seats.
His
grin was tenderly playful as he said, "If you're tired, sleep. I'll find
us places to explore while you nap. It's very possible you might not get much
sleep later."
With
a laugh, she pulled him to her, kissed him soundly, hand running down his front
to his groin where there was no doubt that he wanted her.
"Call
me old fashioned, Sev, but I don't want our first
time to be in a rented flitter." He laughed at her expression. "I
mean if it were here or nowhere, yes. But it's not, so close your eyes and I'll
wake you when I'm sick of flying around in the dark."
She
closed her eyes and heard him giving the flitters instructions, then arguing
with it over nocturnal no fly zones. She cuddled into him as he and the
computer found a compromise he could live with and the flitter would actually
do.
Moments
later, she woke and was freezing. Everything was blurry and she felt like she
was lying on metal.
"Seven,
thank God." Kathryn's voice, worried. Very, very worried.
"She's
stabilizing." Ohk's voice, and then her touch as
she put drops into Seven's eyes. "We thought we'd lost you."
"Where's
Liam?"
Ohk exchanged a look with Janeway, then Raffi
came out of the shadows. "Baby, he's dead. He died months ago, during the
Frontier Day attack. I was with you, remember?"
"No,
we were at Hood Canal. We were just having dinner. Did our flitter crash?"
"No,
you've been here since the test. I'm so sorry I urged you to take it."
Raffi took her hand. "You got stuck. We just got you out."
Ohk put a hand on her shoulder. "I'm
sorry too."
She
looked past them all because she heard Liam's voice. "Where is he?" At
the helplessness in their expressions, she tried to get up and said,
"Where is he, where is he, where is he, where is—"
"Seven!"
Liam's voice. Panicked.
And
the flitter's system saying, "Do you need medical or security
assistance?"
She
woke up fully, breathing so fast it hurt, touching his face to make sure he was
really there.
"It's
okay." Liam pulled her close. "It's just a dream, sweetheart. Just a
dream."
"Is
this real? Are you here?"
"I
am."
"But
if I'm stuck in my head, anything you say would be right. Or I could ask you
for something I don't know and check with your family but if nothing is real
then neither are they, and the system can tell me anything, and I wouldn't know
if you're really here. They said you were dead."
"I
was. But you put me in cryo, which was smart."
"How
do I know I'm not saying that so I feel better about myself? So
I don't have to live with the fact that I got you murdered along with my son
and T'Veen. So I don't have
to think that if I'd done a better job warning Agnes about the Queen, she might
not have been assimilated. And Elnor wouldn't have
been killed by my husband. How do I know this didn't all cascade from the fact
I should never have been assimilated and if I'd been a smarter child, better
able to hide or disable the drones..."
"Easy,
Hansen. Also...what husband?"
"I
hate that name."
"I
know. Why would a Shaw you made up call you that? Or if he did, why would he
also call you Seven?"
"Good
point."
"Also what's this about a husband?"
"Alternate
universe."
He
seemed to be waiting for more but she didn't want to explore that. "Okay
then."
"Pinch
me."
He
did and it hurt.
"Give
me your padd." When he did, she ran though the formula for Moretti's
paradigm. But she did it wrong on purpose.
"That's
not right." He pointed to where she'd inserted the error.
"Dream
Shaw probably wouldn't say that. But real you would say that even if you're
trying to get into my pants. Real you is...this you.
You're real." She tried to slow her breathing.
"I'm
real. Seven, look at me."
"I'm
broken, Liam. Why would I dream that?"
"On
the bright side, you did not dream about one of your decisions."
That
actually was comforting. This had been a true nightmare. That he'd died. The
idea that the person she trusted would end up abandoning her was actually a
pretty common occurrence in her life. This dream didn't come out of nowhere.
"Don't leave me, Liam."
"Not
going anywhere." He wrapped her up in a very tight, very comforting hug.
"You're safe and you're with me. Okay?"
She
nodded against his chest. "I'm sorry. I used to be brave—you liked me that
way. I don't feel brave right now."
"You're
the bravest person I know. And I like you no matter what." He tipped her
chin up, seemed to be studying her, then kissed her very gently. "We can
wait on the sex if you want to just ride around and clear your head or talk
instead."
"Are
you saying that because you think it's a bad idea to have sex with me? Because
I'm not okay?"
"I
didn't say that."
"But
maybe you meant it." When he started to say something
she shook her head and he stayed quiet but he sat back and pulled her against
him, rubbing her neck as they flew over black water and empty docks and
darkened homes obviously closed up for the season.
3.
Shaw
watched Seven closely as she sat curled into him then something caught his eye
out of the flitter window. "Computer, what beach is that?"
"Twanoh State Park."
"And
is that beach friendly to bare feet?"
"Please
restate question."
"Are
there barnacles and big rocks or is that sand?"
"The
beach at Twanoh is divided into sections. The
dedicated swimming section is maintained with a mixture of pebbles and sand.
Barnacles are discouraged."
"Who's
at the park right now?" He knew he was grinning in a very naughty way.
"The
park is closed for the evening."
"So no campers?" He looked over at her and his grin
became even bigger.
"Affirmative."
"Do
the rangers live offsite?"
"Affirmative."
"Water
temperature?"
"Eighteen
degrees."
"Line
of sight from beach, one hundred and eighty degrees?"
"There
are four houses within line of sight of the beach. Additionally
any boat in that area would have line of sight."
"Are
there any boats in the area?"
"Negative."
"Are
the residents of those four houses local?"
"Please
restate the question."
"Are
those houses occupied year round?"
"Negative."
"Go
to low-wind function and land on the swimming beach."
"The
park is closed."
He
looked over at Seven and realized she was not understanding what he wanted to
do. "You will never do this to a flitter unless you too are helping
someone you love, got it?"
She
nodded.
"Also,
tell anyone this code and I will be run out of the Engineers' secret tree
fort." He winked at her. "Engineering subroutines bypass,
authorization four seven seven seven
delta upsilon eta."
"Subroutines
at your command."
"Ignore
landing restriction for park."
"Justification."
"Because
I said so." He laughed as the flitter started to circle and then landed,
barely disturbing the pebbles. He urged her out and took in the area. He saw no
indication that any houses were occupied with late renters like them. There
were lights across the Canal but they'd need a telescope to hone in on them.
It
was safe. It had been warm today so it wasn't crazy to do this. He began to
take off his clothes.
"Uh,
this isn't much better than a rented flitter."
"Just
wait. And take those clothes off." Then he stopped. "Wait, do you
know how to swim?"
She
nodded. "Kathryn insisted I learn on the holodeck."
"I'm
loving the admiral more and more." He took her hand once they were both
naked and they stepped into the water and then stopped. "Do you trust
me?"
"I
do."
"It's
not that cold."
"I'd
probably argue that point."
He
laughed. "Yeah but you'd argue any point if in
the right mood."
"True."
"You
want to walk in or run in?" Then he turned and scooped her up. "Or
shall I carry you?"
"God,
no. I want some control over this idiotic adventure." But she took his
hand again once he put her down. "Walk."
"Okay
then." And they both walked right into the water even though it was pretty
fucking cold.
Until
they got used to it anyway and then it felt lovely. Then it felt refreshing and
salty enough to keep them floating with ease.
She
was smiling broadly and he pulled her close and said, "I thought this
might shock the system. In a good way."
She
reached down. "I think this might too."
He
closed his eyes as she worked him, until he couldn't stand it and floated back
to where he could sit in the water, where she could straddle him and...fucking hell this felt good.
He
lay back, the water all around him, and watched her face, illuminated by the
low lights set around the beach, as she moved just right, as he could feel her
going, crying out, and he followed right after her, which was a good thing
because he was getting really fucking cold.
She
was laughing as she pushed him up even though he wasn't ready to get up.
She
grabbed her clothes and began putting them on and he followed suit. Then they
got into the flitter and he ordered it to turn the heat up, as she snuggled
into him and said, "I would never, in a hundred million years, have
imagined fucking you in cold water on a deserted beach. This is real."
"This
is so real." To the flitter he said, "Return to original position and
resume flight once subroutines are under automatic control." He turned so
she was half lying on top of him and kissed her, lifting her shirt up and
getting to know her body. He loved how open she was, how nothing seemed off
limits to him.
"Can
we come back to swim?"
"We
can do this at the cabin too. Swim, I mean. There are some little rocks where
the lawn changes to beach that you can use to get in and out. But fucking on a
beach where you might float over barnacles sounds too hazardous."
"And
we don't have a regenerator."
"There's
one in the bathroom. It's on a charger in the back of the linen closet."
"Did
you check?"
"Of
course. Safety first. I know where the fire extinguishers are too."
"Of course you do." She nipped him then went still
beside him, her hand in his. "I just want to stay here, Liam."
"Here
in this flitter?"
"No,
here with you, in the cabin. Do you think they'd sell it to us?"
"What
would we do?"
"We'd
consult. Remotely. No need to leave."
He
kissed her on the forehead. "It's a nice dream. But you belong on that
ship."
She
met his eyes and smiled gently. "Yeah. I think I really do."
And
he loved the way she said it, the certainty in herself that had been missing
was finally peeking out.
"But
not yet, okay?" She laughed. "There are so many other places and ways
I want to be with you."
He
loved that. "You tell me when you're ready to go back. I'm on no timetable
but yours."
"You're
mine."
"I
am definitely yours."
She
was wearing a very self-satisfied look. "And I'm yours."
##
Seven
was reclining against Liam, who was leaning against the couch cushions,
enjoying the fire she'd built, a spare blanket wrapped around them as she
sipped a local red and he combed the tangles out of her salty hair. Every now
and then she'd hold the glass for him and he'd drink and then switch to rubbing
her neck or scratching lightly on her back, causing her to shiver at the
amazing feeling.
The
part she most appreciated was that he didn't seem to be trying to get them
anywhere. He was just touching her because she liked it. And he seemed to also.
"Your
fingers should be insured, Liam."
He
laughed softly. "This means as much to me as the sex. Do you know
why?"
She
turned so she could see his face. "Walls are down?"
He
nodded. "And while I can see you taking pleasure however and whenever and
with whomever you feel like, I can't see you letting them take care of you. Or
even letting them know there's a way they could."
She
nodded.
"So this is special. Not that I don't like the more sexual
parts or that I think one time in the water is enough for tonight. I'm just
enjoying this."
"Also the water leeched warmth from us and was a lame ass
idea." She laughed at his expression. "A passionate, of the moment,
and highly enjoyable lame ass idea. But still one."
"For
a quick dip it would have been okay. But yeah, lying in it was a lame ass
move." He pulled her in for a very tender kiss. "On the other hand,
your mood before and after are markedly different so who's to say it was lame,
huh?"
She
put the glass down and turned, pulling him to her, kissing him for a long time,
loving that they had all the time they wanted to explore and touch and cement
this amazing closeness.
When
she eased away, he went back to her hair. Then he started to braid it, laughing
as he asked, "Do you remember Ka'ala? You wore
your hair braided and up? And that dress. Or more accurately ribbons of fabric
held up by I think glue and force of will."
She
laughed. "I loved that dress." Even if she'd had to wear a cloak over
it before they got down to the planet and the dinner where that kind of garb
was the norm. Or a plain black robe. People were allowed to choose and it had
not seemed determined by gender who showed up in the rather risqué outfits and
who looked like a Vulcan in mourning.
Liam
had opted for the robe.
"You
were surprised I chose that dress rather than the staid thing you were in,
weren't you?"
"I
was. I was glad you had it covered on the walk down to the transporter
room."
"Because
you hated it?"
"Hate?
Uh, no. Because anyone who saw you would have fallen in lust with their first
officer and a few crushes are fine, but that many?"
She
let out the laugh that was more cackling goose than human, and it made him grin
like it always did.
"That
was the first time I realized you'd never ogled me. Not even when parts of me
that usually did not see the light of day were in evidence because of that
dress."
"I
was ogling. I just did it stealthily. I'd have never wanted you to feel unsafe
around me—even if you are stronger and could kick my ass if I tried
anything." He chuckled. "They sat us next to each other and every
time you moved, I'd have to force myself not to glance
over. And then that dance."
"You're
a terrible dancer."
"No,
I'm not."
"Then
why were you holding me in the a-frame way guys usually reserve for hugging
each other?"
"I
was aroused as fuck. I wasn't going to pull you close and be all, 'Don't mind
the rock hard erection you caused, Hansen.' So, yeah,
I went for the a-frame maneuver. I knew the robe would billow toward you so you
wouldn't notice how hard I was."
She
started to laugh. "So you can dance?" She
hadn't seen him do it ever on the ship. "Hold on." She handed him the
wine and hurried to the replicator, putting in the the
code for her personal favorite outfits where she had saved that dress and
choosing the option for fast construction over durability. The replicator was
taking it's sweet time replicating, so she grabbed
some firewood she'd laid in to avoid having to go outside for it and stoked
both the stove and the fireplace.
"You
are damned handy at that. If I ever go camping, you're my girl."
"I'm
not already your girl?"
"Oh you are, but say if we were at a dinner party and someone
seated us apart, I wouldn't make a fuss. But they send us out to camp
separately, and I'm putting my foot down."
She
laughed, then the replicator pinged and she pulled the dress out and slipped it
over her head, moving the ribbons of fabric into the right spots.
He
was watching her with an amazingly helpless expression.
She
held out her hand. "Come dance with me. Prove you're not hopeless at
it."
"I'm
naked."
"Put
your bathrobe on. It's close enough to that robe you chose."
He
got up, went into the bathroom and came out with his robe on backwards, which
she had to admit more closely approximated the robe he'd been wearing that
night. "I can't believe you think I can't dance." He grabbed his
padd, chose some music, and an old standard started playing. "My dear, may
I have this dance?"
"You
may."
The
way he was holding her, the way he let his fingers push into the exposed skin
on her back, was completely different than the first time. He pressed against
her and she could feel how much he wanted her.
"Yeah,
this would have been interesting to the me of back then. It might have changed
everything."
"How
so?"
"Well..."
She began to subtly move against him and he moaned. Then she looked up and met
his eyes, trying to channel the her of those first
few months with him. She let her mouth open, tried to make her eyes warm and
wanting.
"Fuck
me, Seven. If you'd looked at me like that, I'd have been gone."
She
moved her hand from his shoulder to the nape of his neck, rubbing gently,
saying, "Sir, it's okay. I know this doesn't mean anything. It's just the
dress."
"That
dress on its own would do nothing for me, Hansen." He smiled gently at
her, as if wanting to make sure she knew he was in the role-play when he used
that name.
"So it's me?"
He
nodded. Then he let go of her. "I'm your superior
officer. I can't—"
She
pulled him back gently, her grip relentless. "We don't want to cause an
incident by leaving. Arousal is inconvenient but not the end of the
world."
"My
arousal, you mean?"
She
eased his hand off her waist and put it down the deep V, a V that came down to just
above her groin. Guiding him under the very brief underwear that came with the
dress, she said, "Find out if it's just you."
They
kept dancing as he did just that, and her legs nearly buckled at the feel of
him pleasuring her, coupled with the idea of it happening then, this way, when
she was lonely and unsure if she'd picked the right captain.
She
threw back her head and he kissed her neck, his fingers relentless on her, and
she came right there, trying not to make a sound as he kissed her to muffle it.
Then he held her up and kept dancing as she caught her breath.
He
pulled his fingers out, running them up the v to her chin. "You get very
flushed when you come."
"I
get very flushed when I come like that. I want you inside me."
He
led her out to the darkened kitchen, hiked her up on the counter, and pushed
pieces of dress out of his way. Then he pulled up his robe, and took her. She
wrapped her legs and arms around him, told him to go fast, to go hard, and he
did, kissing her almost viciously, telling her how beautiful she was, how much
he liked working with her, how incredible her brain was, her snappy banter, her
engineering ability.
"You're
my fucking dream girl," he said as he came, pumping hard, then relaxing
into her as she kept him upright with how tightly she was holding on to him.
"I
still don't really know if you can dance, though."
He
laughed loudly, his whole body shaking. "Fuck you, Seven. If that's the
only kind of dancing I can do—which it isn't—it will keep you happy a good long
time."
She
laughed as they kissed, knowing he was right, knowing this was better than
she'd ever imagined—and she had imagined it. He'd been her favorite fantasy. If
only to get him to stop calling her Hansen.
"I
love you, Liam. I think I may have loved you for a while now."
"I
know. Me too. This is so fucking nice, being here with you, just us. So goddamn
easy."
"I
agree."
"I've
really missed you, Seven."
"I've
really missed you too."
##
Shaw
woke to bright sunshine coming in the windows. Seven was on her side snuggled
into him, her arm snaked over his belly. The fire had died down and it was cold
enough that he pulled the other blanket over them and just watched her sleep.
His
padd beeped. He grabbed it and saw there was a text from Janeway.
Are
you two all right?
We're
fine
Do
you need anything?
You
to leave us alone
Ha
ha. I'm serious
No,
we're good. She's better
You're
not just saying that?
I'm
really not
Carry
on, then. Janeway out
He
could imagine her rushing to hit the disconnect button, not willing to let him
do it and bit back a laugh. But he also really loved how concerned she was for
Seven.
He
was considering whether he could get up to order some coffee without waking
Seven, when his padd chirped again.
Okay,
now she was getting annoying. But it was B'Elanna this
time. He'd know it was her even if the padd didn't identify the sender because
the preamble was the second sentence. Like she was so busy formulating the
business part of her text that she forgot to say good morning.
Are
you interested in process improvement? Oh and good
morning.
Is
that a trick question? Who isn't?
Just
about everyone. After Frontier Day, with so many holes, we need a complete look
at how Starfleet does things. It's an interdisciplinary project but I need to
pony up an engineer at rank O6 or above, preferably with command experience.
Sounds
like me
Yes,
it does. So I can send your name in?
Why
are you asking me first? Not really your style
Because
the team will operate remotely other than for monthly meetings and
presentations to Command. Each member of the team is going to be on one of the
Fleet's primary ships. And I wasn't sure if you were up for that after five
years on a ship.
Do
I get to pick the ship?
Well,
I do know the CINC really well. The Enterprise?
Hold
on, okay? Just one sec He nudged Seven awake. "I'm being assigned to a
special project. It's a work from a ship thing. Do you have a preference which
ship I'm on?"
Her
grin was luminous. "Do you have a preference?" She laughed. "And
you fucking well better, if you ever want sex again."
"Okay,
technically you did not say I should pick your ship. You might mean you want me
out of your hair except for when we're having the sex you are now threatening
to withhold."
She
rolled her eyes.
"Out
loud, Hansen."
"You.
On my ship. As whatever that job is and as my lover who is not in my chain of
command, right?"
"Right."
God, he loved that. No need to break the rules. He hurried to type: Yes, the
Enterprise
I'll
see what I can do. Torres out.
Seven
was pulling the blankets more tightly around her. "Since you woke me up,
you can brave the cold and get the coffee."
"It
wouldn't be cold if you'd get up and get that fire going."
"I
was reading about this area last night after you fell asleep. I want to go
there." She had the page open to a place called Hurricane Ridge. "No
fire until we get back." Then she pulled him down for a kiss. "I'm
not dreaming? You're going to be on the ship?"
"Well,
I put my preference in. And it would seem the CINC is both in charge of and the
main customer for this project so..." Did Janeway make the project just so
they could be together? He would not put it past her to merge organizational
needs with matchmaking for her protege. Especially since B'Elanna's
comm had been right after hers.
Seven
made a noise of happiness he wasn't sure he'd ever heard from her. Almost a
girlish squeal.
He
loved that. "So why this place?" He nudged the padd.
"It
looks like pictures I've seen of Switzerland and it's not that far away by
flitter." Her expression changed. "And I want to talk over something
with you. But only after we're tired from hiking and staring at big, beautiful
mountains."
"Should
we take a picnic? I saw some premade ones on the replicator menu."
"Yes.
And where is my coffee, Shaw?"
"I
still outrank you, snookums." But he got up and
had their mugs out before he got the replicator started on the picnic
assortment.
Carrying
them back, he handed hers over and then put his on the floor before he got
another spare blanket out of the linen closet. Sitting next to her, he pulled
it around them both, then sipped his coffee.
"I'm
not a hundred percent sure this job would exist if Janeway didn't want me with
you. She commed this morning." Wow that felt good. No secrets.
"Wanted to know if we needed anything."
"Did
you answer: yes, tandem assignments?" she asked with a laugh.
"No,
I said we were fine. She asked about you too. I said you were better."
"I
am, aren't I?"
He
nodded.
"Somehow
knowing I was part of the test when it came to the scenario building but unable
to make any impact on it is really comforting. Even if the idea of an endless
loop is terrifying."
"It
really is."
"Did
you have another job you were going to go after? We've been so busy talking
about my trauma that I haven't even asked how you like being on Earth, being a
commodore."
"I
sure don't miss being captain. I miss being your captain though."
He earned a very sweet kiss for that. "But no, there weren't any current
postings that were calling my name. There might be though, down the road. If I
leave you physically it won't mean I'm doing it emotionally."
"I
know." She stared into the now dark fireplace. "When I was with
Raffi, when she got back into Starfleet and got Elnor
into the Academy, I was at loose ends just sitting around. I went back to rangering. I had a ship and a holoprogram
to help run it. I used to do some of the consults from the ship too. Got it out
of Earth orbit and just parked and worked. She took it as a rejection of her.
As me wanting all the freedom of my old life back." She looked down.
"I never told her that Starfleet had rejected me. So
she couldn't figure out why I didn't apply after so many years on Voyager.
I should have been honest with her."
"You
can be honest with me."
"I
do believe that. I was during our tour, except at the end." She exhaled
loudly. "Fuck, let's talk about us now. I was so frustrated with you. The
closer we got to the end of our tour, to Frontier Day, the more you seemed to
call me Hansen instead of your safe default of Commander. And then the way you
treated them—and me by extension—at that dinner..."
"I
played your favorite song."
"And
seated me next to you. Which was a 'fuck you' to all of us because I wasn't as
significant as they were and yet you put me in the guest of honor spot. Me—your
ex-Borg baggage." She sighed.
"I
wanted to ask you out, once we weren't serving together. But it seemed like
every day you were more pissed at me. So I got my
feelings hurt and acted even more like an ass." He swallowed hard. "I
should have just told you I was interested. It wouldn't have been any more
uncomfortable than it was. And I would have called you Seven when I asked you
if you'd go out with me once I was off the ship."
"I'd
have said yes. After I got done giving you a piece of my mind, no doubt. But
for sure yes." She leaned against him. "And then it all went to
hell."
"That
depends on your perspective. Think of all the people who could have lost their
kids to the Borg. They didn't—and that was because of us. We were
instrumental." He sipped his coffee, thinking about the ways they helped.
"Big fucking heroes, Seven. Big fucking dead heroes in my case, but oh
well."
"You
will never be issued a phaser on my ship."
"Fuck
you."
She
just laughed. "I mean it. You stay back. No shooting for you."
"I
would to keep you safe."
"I
have an entire crew for that, Liam." She touched his hand. "I want
you alive."
"Well,
for what it's worth, I do too. I wasn't planning on picking up a phaser if I
could help it."
"Good."
##
They
were sitting in a meadow eating their picnic lunch, staring at snow-capped
mountains so close they looked huge and so high they were periodically covered
with wispy clouds. Deer grazed near them, unbothered by their presence and a
creature that looked like a gopher but the padd said was a marmot periodically
screamed at them from a rock at the top of the trail.
They'd
hiked until Liam had finally told her he'd had enough. She didn't tell him she
was surreptitiously scanning his vitals to make sure he was doing okay with the
elevation. Fortunately, he was in great shape.
He
set out a bowl of berries and they shared them in companionable silence. He
seemed about to throw one to the marmot, so she said, "The information
sheet says not to feed the animals."
"Has
hell frozen over? You're actually reading me a rule?"
She
cackled and saw the marmot dive for cover. "I scared it. Good. Maybe it
will stop that annoying cry."
He
closed up the empty container once she'd polished off the last berry and
stashed it in the basket, then handed her a bag of cookies. "Choose which
one I want."
She
looked through the selection and handed him a peanut butter one. She chose a
snickerdoodle.
"I
want to talk about Icheb," she said, putting the
bag of cookies between them.
"Okay."
"I
want to sort of ramble on. Is that all right?"
"Of
course. Do you want me to hold questions?"
"No.
You can ask me anything." She looked down. "I wasn't entirely honest
about his death when I told you the story."
"I
leave shit out about Wolf all the time. I don't think it'll be a problem that
you did, and maybe it will help me understand you better to know the
truth."
"I
think so." She took another bite of cookie. "Icheb
was one of four children we rescued from the collective. I was a role model,
Kathryn used to say. Sort of a mother, but an unlikely one at first. I was
awkward at it. So..." She smiled. "I was nearly Vulcan at times.
Unemotional."
"You?
For real?"
"I
know." She lifted an eyebrow. "We found the people of two of the
children and the third chose to go with them. They wanted Icheb
to come but he elected to stay."
"For
you?"
"And
the ship. He was brilliant at so many things. Science, engineering, and I could
see him someday in command."
"So he took after you." He was smiling gently when she
glanced at him in surprise.
"I
guess so. He would have been very proud of me. He was slightly obsessed with
Kirk. For me to be a captain of the Enterprise would have delighted
him." She took another bite of cookie and chewed it thoughtfully. "We
actually found his parents."
"Wow.
Before or after the others kids left?"
"Before.
I protested in every way I could because I didn't want to give him back. But
once it was clear he wanted to return home, I adapted to the idea he would be
gone." She turned so she could see his eyes. "The Borg ship we
rescued him and the other children from had been corrupted with a virus of
unknown origin. It turned out he was that virus. His parents had genetically
engineered him to be deadly to the Borg and then put him in a ship that
simulated tech the Borg would want so he would be assimilated."
She
could see the horror in his eyes.
"And
when they got him back—when we gave him back to them—they tried it again."
She sighed. "They had a second ship even though Icheb
had been assimilated and the first ship destroyed. Maybe there were more ships
and more bioengineered kids? How many children of theirs were they going to
serve up to the Borg?" She could feel the rage overcoming her—but also the
feeling of regret she got whenever she thought of this. "We should have
turned around and checked all their children. Taken them—rescued them.
The pathogen only worked on the ship they were assimilated by, not the network
for all the collective. It was an inefficient mode of attack. A waste of such
bright minds."
He
reached over and touched her hand. "You did what you could."
"Do
you know how many times I said that as a ranger?" She finished the cookie
and pushed the bag toward him.
He
put the bag into the basket. "So which parents were worse? Yours or
his?"
"Such
a good question. I did over-identify with him on this. I actually think mine
were worse. At least his were fighting for their society. Mine put me in danger
because they loved science more than their own child."
"It's
a hard call. And sort of irrelevant. Who sucks less? Who wants to win that
prize?"
She
nodded and moved so she was lying on her back with her head in his lap. He
immediately began to stroke her hair and she felt herself relaxing under his
touch.
"Once
we left his parents behind, he became mine. In my heart I'd known he didn't
belong with them. That his first, best destiny was on the ship. I wasn't
demonstrative, but he knew I loved him. And I knew he loved me. But I never
knew how much until my cortical node failed. A replacement had to come from a
living drone. But that wasn't possible. I was dying, Liam. So
he disabled his because he believed he could survive without it. He risked his
life for mine."
His
smile was gentle. "You have a part of him with you always."
She
nodded. "His recovery from that was not without incident. When he was
finally stabilized, I shed my first tears. My first tears after assimilation
were happy ones. My last ones before were of terror."
She
stopped and turned for a moment, burying her face in his abdomen, and he was
quiet and stroked her arm. "I wanted to go home, Liam. I told my papa
that. But we didn't have a home. That fucking ship was our home. I never played
with anyone. I never saw my relatives. My sixth birthday was bookended by Borgs
being beamed over for examination. I hate my parents, but I also love them and
don't want to make them the bad guy. So I turn all
that anger..."
"On
yourself?"
She
nodded. "It's such an odd feeling to have such compassion for the child I
was and also resent her for being so passive."
"You
were six."
"I
didn't say it was logical. But it is true." She turned back so she was
looking up at him. "You know I was involved with Chakotay, right?"
"Mister
Janeway?"
She
laughed. "He hates that. But yeah—he was hers, even though he'd finally
given up and luckily for him, I had a crush on him. Our relationship at first
was good. We lived on Earth and I was close to Icheb
who was at the Academy. We felt like a family. Only the two of them were
welcomed by Starfleet and I wasn't."
"That's
bullshit. He was Maquis. The ex part
was only a technicality because he ended up in the Delta Quadrant and had to
join forces with Janeway."
"How
do you know so much about him?"
"The
Constance Ten know a lot about any ship or people who had lots of contact with
the Borg. Voyager had the most, right?"
"Yes."
"And
he was in some kind of mini collective if I remember right."
"Before
my time. And I try not to think of him." But it was all coming back. His
disappointment in her for letting Kathryn get to the stage of threatening to
resign—for her. She'd finally told Kathryn not to, but something was
irrevocably broken between her and Chakotay. And Icheb
was so busy with Starfleet.
She'd
been bitter and mad and joined the Rangers when she probably should have sought
out one of the companies who would have loved to have a Borg on the payroll, a
Borg mind as part of their strategic advantage. She hadn't needed to go to the
back of beyond and frankly if she hadn't, Icheb might
still be alive.
"You okay?" His voice was sweet, loving, caring.
Everything she'd thought Zenmaster Chakotay would be
and wasn't, this wounded man who proudly touted his asshole setting really was.
"No,
but I haven't been for a long time. Once he was on a ship, Icheb
was so good at checking in with me. He'd come out to help me—that was his idea
of leave. He'd met someone. Right before he died. He told me about her the last
time we spent time together. He was in love. He never told me her name though.
I had to find her via Ranger means and tell her he hadn't deserted her. I
couldn't have her thinking he did that. Because that wasn't who he was. Once he
loved you, you were his and he was yours.
"So
now we're up to the part you know. Bjayzl didn't just
come out of nowhere and kidnap him. I met her first while she was pretending to
be there to help. I fell in love with her not realizing she was playing me. She
wanted my joys and my treasures—shared her own, all made up to fit the role she
was playing. I couldn't see why she'd want to fool me—I was still so innocent
back then. Still had a heart that was open and easy even though I'd been dealt
a pretty rancid hand most of my life. I told her all about Icheb.
My pride and joy. The one good thing I still had in my life."
"And
she kidnapped him for parts." He sounded disgusted at the idea.
She
nodded. "But...he wasn't dead when I found him. He was dying—nothing was
going to stop that—but it would be long and painful. And he wanted me to end
his suffering. So I pulled out my weapon, and I did. I
killed my son."
She
could feel the tears starting to fall, but she didn't wipe them off, and he
didn't reach for her.
"I
searched for her for three months. A lot of people died in that search. I left
a trail of bodies for her to find later. But I never found her. And so I got enough sedatives to end my life and I went to a
seedy motel where this would not be the first time they found a dead body in a
room, and I took them all."
He
closed his eyes but said nothing.
"They
would have killed a human. But not a Borg. I woke up in a puddle of my own
vomit. Seemed a fitting metaphor for my life. I spent the next ten years trying
to find Bjayzl, helping where I could, and mostly
just sleepwalking through my life. Until I found her and killed her and then
walked into a storm of weapons fire, expecting yet again to die. Not one of
those energy streams hit me. Not a fucking one.
"I
joined Picard later in a rather convoluted manner that involved the Artifact
and the Tal Shiar and the boy Raffi considers her
son. And finally I felt like I belonged. Like I could
start over. But no. He used my assistance twice, talked about Borg shit to me,
and then promptly forgot to check that I was even on the Titan—Riker
told me in private after we'd beaten Vadic that he'd
had to tell Picard I was there. I betrayed you for a man who couldn't be
bothered to keep track of me."
"I'm
sorry."
"No,
I'm sorry, Liam. I should have talked to you. One more regret in a life that's
been nothing but." She frowned, got very quiet as she repeated that back
to herself. "Hold on. The test administrators explained it as peeling
something like an apple or an orange to find the good bits underneath once you
get the peel off."
"I
don't think peel is a bad part of an apple."
She
cackled. "I said that to him too." She pulled him down to her and
gave him a quick kiss. "But yeah, so one layer and you're good? What about
those of us who aren't apples or oranges, but onions? Peel down and you just
find more to peel. The only way you know when you've hit usable stuff is by the
density and the water content." She stopped, suddenly hit by the enormity
of what she'd just said. "Liam, it should have been an endless loop. I'm
an onion."
"What
if your Borg bits protected you?"
"And
what happens if you're not Borg? Not made a ghost? And you're an onion—I can't
be the only one, right?"
"Right."
She
sat up, grabbed her padd and commed Kathryn, who answered immediately.
"You have to stop using the test."
"Calm
down, Seven. I've put a moratorium on the use until it can be studied. I take
it you have ideas on why it went so wrong for you?"
She
explained her onion versus easier peeling things theory and saw Kathryn's look
of understanding change to one of pure relief. "There were so many people
booked to take it when I put the project on pause. How many would have..."
She shook her head. "I'd like to share what you've told me with the
programmers. They're doing a post-mortem or whatever you call one that happens
in the middle of the project."
"You
can share."
Behind
her the marmot screamed and she jumped.
"Good
Lord, where are you?"
"Hurricane
Ridge, Admiral," Liam said. "Do you want to see it?"
Seven
held the padd up and put it into camera mode.
"Wow,
those mountains. I may have to get up there. Looks nicer than Earth's biggest
ditch."
Seven
laughed.
"So Shaw, rumor is you want to be on my Seven's ship?"
"Source
of rumor is B'Elanna, and she's right."
"I
hate what a shrinking violet he is, Seven. Really should have picked a guy who
isn't so afraid to speak his mind."
She
chortled and Liam grinned.
"Fine.
You're on her ship. Did you need anything else, Seven? I have a meeting coming
up."
"No.
I just wanted to stop the test from being used."
"And
you're planning on coming back to Starfleet some day in the hopefully not too
distant future?"
"I
am."
"Excellent.
Janeway out." And the connection dropped.
"You okay?" Liam asked softly.
"Being
Borg saved me."
"Sure seems like."
"Life
is so weird."
"Yes,
it fucking well is. But sometimes it's a good weird." He pulled her to him
and kissed her slowly and gently and just what she needed at the moment.
"Thank you for sharing all that with me."
"Thank
you for listening and not trying to convince me it wasn't that bad."
"Oh,
fuck no. It was that bad or worse. From one survivor to another: nothing but
respect."